Emotional

In some ways I'm not really a very emotional person. I try to keep a calm and steady demeanor. I'm very intellectual about most stuff. (Not that I think being emotional or expressing emotion is necessarily a bad thing - it's just as a rule I'm generally not too emotional). This week, though, I've felt very emotional. The two longest days of class (Tues. and today - Thurs.) I came home afterwards and cried.

Its just I'm finding the PhD course very difficult. Around 11am I start to get tremors and some mild waves of the flueyness (my made up word). Then there's still 2 hours to go.

Also, just having the stamina to go for 4 hours is SO difficult having not had to keep a schedule like that for years now....pretty much since 2003.

Maybe disability does make people lazy (more fairly, maybe it's made me lazy). Not HAVING to force myself to push. I was of two minds in June. Either to try to "up" my schedule a bit to prepare, or to rest up and conserve energy for the July push. Although I did all my readings in June, I did tend more towards the "resting up" approach.

I think part of the emotional strain is just the "culture shock" of trying to go from a life of low pressure and lots of isolation to - people, schedule, pressure.

Don't get me wrong....the course, the people and the discussions so far are incredibly interesting, stimulating. My intellectual and social self are enjoying it immensely.

Maybe I'll skip tomorrow.

I thought maybe I could leave early today, but there just didn't seem to be any opening to do so.
During break I REALLY wanted to lay down and looked around. There wasn't anywhere inconspicuous. I thought about going to my car to rest but it was too far to walk there, rest, and walk back.

Oh well, I'll let you know what happens. This is the second day out of four I've come home and wanted to quit.