How do I negotiate this working life while so ill? I just don't have an answer to that. I sit here with a low grade fever, painful lymphs, sore throat and flu/sick ache and wonder why I'm doing this to myself? Honestly, I can't see anyone who isn't ill with M.E. grasping the ludicrous nature of what I'm doing. There is no other known illness out there where activity (whether it's one that's positive or enjoyable or not) makes you directly and literally sicker. (And for naysayers this finding is supported by research).
And yet if you asked me to quit I'd say no. I'm willing to suffer some level of consequences in order to participate in this work. In fact, there is almost no job in the world that I could come up with that would be more ideal. I get to work (at least with the 12 week courses) somewhat flexibly from home in bed. That said, if I get much worse I'll have no choice, but for now, I'm sticking with this extremely limited sick working life while I hold on by a thread.
I'm a weird duck. If a (relatively) healthy friend encouraged me to push through and continue to work I'd be hurt. It would feel like they didn't care that I was choosing to jump off a 6 foot diving board into 6 inches of water over and over and over. Or similarly they might as well encourage me to run head first into a brick wall over and over. "But you're getting satisfaction out of it right?" The problem with M.E. is you can't see metabolic disfunction, or immune symptoms, or icky flu breathing ache, or lightheadedness and blackouts from the outside. All of the damage and suffering from pushing is invisible (although my roommate sees it to a degree). I do know how lucky I am to even have friends left, let alone supportive ones.
Luckily, I've still had some short outings here and there over the last month. Not too many weeks ago my dad and I took the dog to a local dock and took photos of her jumping. I love watching her swim (I also love swimming). Then, there is a local overlook with a memorial to Terry Fox (a Canadian hero) nearby. One afternoon my dad and I drove over just to look at the view and have an outing.
