I'm guessing that after I fly back to deal with my parents tomorrow, I will be on hiatus again. In the two months I was down there, I stayed in touch with my life very little. One friend did call and talk for a while, which was huge. I hope I don't slip into a vortex again. I feel as if I wasn't even a person while I was there…give care, rest, give care, rest, answer questions, give care etc.
On the very very positive, I managed to do a lot while I've been home, not to mention, I still haven't relapsed!! That being said, I've felt pretty darn ill the last two days and last night I almost cried thinking about having to fly/travel Wednesday let alone all the issues that await me.
Two days after I left, things fell apart and my mom was moved to a hospice ward (and much of that was organized through me via phone). My mom is still on the hospice ward and I expect she'll have to stay there for at least a couple weeks even though she really wants to come home. While two months of being the main care giver didn't relapse me, I just don't think I can be her full time nurse, deal with my dad, all while ill myself. On the other hand, I want her to die at home if possible, but if that means 90% of the care falls to me, I just don't think I can do it.
Also weighing on my mind, I came home to a sewer that was supposedly fixed, only to find all the same issues. It turns out that the storm sewer, not the actual sewer was repaired!!! So the open pit of backed-up sewage was still full in the basement, the house smelt as foul as ever, and fruit flies and bugs were emerging from the drains. Sigh. So frustrating.
Last night my plumber friend and his assistant came and broke up the cement in the basement (again) and started digging down in an attempt to find the real sewer. He was able to pull a fist size wad of roots out of the sewer in his 4th attempt to auger it, but there is definitely something solid blocking it, as all 3 people who've tried to snake it have discovered.
Anyways, wish me luck whatever the next couple months entail. I hope you are all doing AWAP.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
Home is Beautiful!
As I flew over Lake Superior into Thunder Bay the sun was shining, reflecting off the deep blue water and the small white caps below. We flew over Isle Royale, Sleeping Giant Peninsula, then Pie Island. The leaves were at peak, gold aspens in contrast to the grey rock, dark firs, spruce, and pines. I teared up looking out the window. I felt a surge of happiness and relief. "I'm coming home" I thought. What an amazing place I live, what a beautiful place.
For two months I've been living in a bubble, caring for my mom, and on some level, my dad. Resting, caring, resting, caring. It's like there's been a heavy dark cloud casting a shadow over me. Worry, concern, worry…. frustration, sadness, guilt and more guilt, anger.
It feels like more than two months since I've been home, almost like I lived here in another lifetime. But for two days now I've felt such relief. Relief to be home, relief not to have to constantly check on my mom, do things, organize things, administer drugs, answer questions and explain things. I grew up in my parents house, and there is a familiarity there for sure, but this feels more like home. I've been here a decade and have spent 20 years of my 25 adult years up in this area (northern Minnesota and/or northwestern Ontario).
With all the stress I was under the last two months, I was eating poorly. Drinking more coffee, eating more breads and sweets and junk. Sometimes putting food in my mouth and realizing "I'm not hungry, just stressed". I stepped on the scale yesterday prepared for a 10lb gain. I was shocked. I stepped on and off the scale two more times just to make sure that I really have lost almost 10 pounds!! How is this even possible given my eating habits lately? I guess stress and perhaps the extra activity have done something strange to my body/metabolism, that's all I can figure. I'm still a "healthy" weight so I won't worry too much unless more drops off for no reason.
As for guilt, it is hard to shirk. I feel guilty that I came home for a break especially since I hadn't yet relapsed. I know this is irrational (relapse is very possible and would mean I couldn't care/help my parents at all). I know it is very smart of me to rest for a while, let my body recover, build up some reserves for what inevitably lies ahead (my mom needing more care, passing, my dad needing to find a home with some support, a house that needs to be sold).
In the mean time, I will rest up and try to do a few things here, things that remind me that despite being a single, disabled woman, that I still have a life that's my own, that I can still do things that bring me joy and/or fulfilment.
For two months I've been living in a bubble, caring for my mom, and on some level, my dad. Resting, caring, resting, caring. It's like there's been a heavy dark cloud casting a shadow over me. Worry, concern, worry…. frustration, sadness, guilt and more guilt, anger.
It feels like more than two months since I've been home, almost like I lived here in another lifetime. But for two days now I've felt such relief. Relief to be home, relief not to have to constantly check on my mom, do things, organize things, administer drugs, answer questions and explain things. I grew up in my parents house, and there is a familiarity there for sure, but this feels more like home. I've been here a decade and have spent 20 years of my 25 adult years up in this area (northern Minnesota and/or northwestern Ontario).
With all the stress I was under the last two months, I was eating poorly. Drinking more coffee, eating more breads and sweets and junk. Sometimes putting food in my mouth and realizing "I'm not hungry, just stressed". I stepped on the scale yesterday prepared for a 10lb gain. I was shocked. I stepped on and off the scale two more times just to make sure that I really have lost almost 10 pounds!! How is this even possible given my eating habits lately? I guess stress and perhaps the extra activity have done something strange to my body/metabolism, that's all I can figure. I'm still a "healthy" weight so I won't worry too much unless more drops off for no reason.
As for guilt, it is hard to shirk. I feel guilty that I came home for a break especially since I hadn't yet relapsed. I know this is irrational (relapse is very possible and would mean I couldn't care/help my parents at all). I know it is very smart of me to rest for a while, let my body recover, build up some reserves for what inevitably lies ahead (my mom needing more care, passing, my dad needing to find a home with some support, a house that needs to be sold).
In the mean time, I will rest up and try to do a few things here, things that remind me that despite being a single, disabled woman, that I still have a life that's my own, that I can still do things that bring me joy and/or fulfilment.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Quick update
Hello friends and/or fellow PWMEs
I thought I'd give you a quick update.
I am still at my parent's home almost 2 months after coming down on short notice when my mother went into the hospital. Luckly, my friend/roommate's parents also live in the same community so when she came down for a visit, she brought me a few things. After 6 weeks using the same pajama bottoms, for example, it was nice to have another option.
On the positive, I have had some offers of help, clothes to borrow, food and meals from people around here know my folks, that has been so wonderful. Someone even sent me a box of books to read!
I also set up services from the get go to help with home care. Twice a week someone comes in to help my mom with bathing, and a nurse comes in 3 times a week.
However, the bulk of the care since she has come home has fallen to me. It doesn't matter how sick I am on a given day or hour, it has been a lot. Because she is so ill, and my dad has mild dementia, I don't think they realize the many many little things I do each day to keep this ship afloat.
It's a miricle I haven't relapsed. Still, I had one day where I was in bed with a crash most the day and a fever, weak and shakey. I came upstairs to get water at one point and was hit with 6 or more demands/requests. Or yesterday when the POTS was so bad I was blacking out standing, it made no difference to my mom needing fresh coffee. With all the issues in my family (I have two sibblings with mental illness), that fact that I am sick has always been trumped by someone or something else and the trend continues.
Not to mention the people around here who have told me outright that there is no reason for me not to sell my house and move back here and take care of my parents, because hey, the life of a disabled woman without a husband and kids has no value.
Anyways, the day to day, moment to moment is pretty hard to the point I don't think I can write about it.
This week I have booked a two week break to go home. I set up extra stuff/services for when I'm gone, but I'm almost sure that something will happen and things will fall apart here. At least once a day my mom is addled (by drugs and or illness) enough that she forgets to eat, has no idea what time of day it is, if not monitored, overdoses on medications, etc. etc.
I feel quite guilty leaving, however, on the other hand, I realized after five or six weeks of telling EVERYONE that this was more than I could handle without a break, that I wouldn't get a break unless I actually left. For example, some days my father litterally follows me around. If I come downstairs to rest, he comes down and sits staring into space in the room next to me. If I go outside to sit in a chair, he follows, if I come back into the living room he follows, get the idea???
I thought I'd give you a quick update.
I am still at my parent's home almost 2 months after coming down on short notice when my mother went into the hospital. Luckly, my friend/roommate's parents also live in the same community so when she came down for a visit, she brought me a few things. After 6 weeks using the same pajama bottoms, for example, it was nice to have another option.
On the positive, I have had some offers of help, clothes to borrow, food and meals from people around here know my folks, that has been so wonderful. Someone even sent me a box of books to read!
I also set up services from the get go to help with home care. Twice a week someone comes in to help my mom with bathing, and a nurse comes in 3 times a week.
However, the bulk of the care since she has come home has fallen to me. It doesn't matter how sick I am on a given day or hour, it has been a lot. Because she is so ill, and my dad has mild dementia, I don't think they realize the many many little things I do each day to keep this ship afloat.
It's a miricle I haven't relapsed. Still, I had one day where I was in bed with a crash most the day and a fever, weak and shakey. I came upstairs to get water at one point and was hit with 6 or more demands/requests. Or yesterday when the POTS was so bad I was blacking out standing, it made no difference to my mom needing fresh coffee. With all the issues in my family (I have two sibblings with mental illness), that fact that I am sick has always been trumped by someone or something else and the trend continues.
Not to mention the people around here who have told me outright that there is no reason for me not to sell my house and move back here and take care of my parents, because hey, the life of a disabled woman without a husband and kids has no value.
Anyways, the day to day, moment to moment is pretty hard to the point I don't think I can write about it.
This week I have booked a two week break to go home. I set up extra stuff/services for when I'm gone, but I'm almost sure that something will happen and things will fall apart here. At least once a day my mom is addled (by drugs and or illness) enough that she forgets to eat, has no idea what time of day it is, if not monitored, overdoses on medications, etc. etc.
I feel quite guilty leaving, however, on the other hand, I realized after five or six weeks of telling EVERYONE that this was more than I could handle without a break, that I wouldn't get a break unless I actually left. For example, some days my father litterally follows me around. If I come downstairs to rest, he comes down and sits staring into space in the room next to me. If I go outside to sit in a chair, he follows, if I come back into the living room he follows, get the idea???
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