Life Can be Hard

There are debates about happiness.  Some scientists will tell you that a good part of it is genetic, or biological.  Are some of us just programmed to be more happy, to take a rosier view of things?  There are so many ways to look at it.  I read one study recently that looked at a connection between money and happiness.  This study found that wealthy people after a certain number (it was under $100 000) aren't any more happy than those with less money, however, there was a cut off. So those who live in poverty did have less happiness (this is no big surprise, when I was struggling this year to pay my bills, it did add a layer of stress to everything else).

So why am I writing about happiness? Because I'm wondering why I'm sad so much of the time lately.  Why does life feel so hard/difficult and empty? Why, out of all my whole family, am I the only one who seems to be mourning my mom?  Why does this loss have me crying from time to time still 6 months later, why is there a huge hole that I can't seem to fill? It's not like we had the perfect relationship or that we were together a lot (we weren't).  It was two or three visits a year and a phone call a week.

Sometimes, even on my "good days" health wise I struggle to feel happy.  Instead, I feel so alone.  Alone in an empty house I'm mostly too sick to leave, alone with my grief, unattached and unloved by any partner, alone taking care of my dad (not completely true because they help him out at his place, but family-wise very true). And despite the fact I'm working, and that is good, work-wise I feel "alone" because there is no community to bounce things off...no office with a person next door to chat with.  The only reason I'm able to do this job is because I don't have to go to an office, on the other hand, there is a feeling of isolation.

My mom's passing this year, brought into focus the temporary nature of human existence for me.  I feel like this should mean every moment I have is precious and important.  Instead, often I feel like the moments drag, I ponder whether anything matters really.

So basically, I'm having a bit of a "down".  It's not all the time, but it is nice to have a place to write about it.  Do you ever share any of these same thoughts or feelings?

Working Woman

Sorry I have been so inattentive to this blog.  While I've been working since April preparing my course (and the "work" I did on my PhD was also work), I am now officially an instructor and a part-time "working woman", and it is taking a lot out of me.

It is incredibly time consuming, sucking all my energy.  I am having symptoms of brain fog which I haven't had in almost 10 years so I know I am near/over my limit. On the other hand, it is about the most perfect job I could find given my abilities and circumstances (flexible schedule online from bed), so I hope I can manage the next 5 weeks.

It is clear to me just after almost two weeks into the course, that I will never work close to full time again in my life time.  No amount of will power can overcome all the symptoms and limitations of this GD illness.  After 14 years, it's pretty obvious that nothing's going to change much, none of these illness related problems are going to magically disappear.  And as my friend with M.E. said, the only hope for us really is "some miracle cure".  Realistically it would take a miracle. This likely means that on some level, I may have to be on "disability" indefinitely to survive.  This makes me super sad.

On another topic, due to blackouts (which I'm sure are just POTS) and some weird visual symptoms, I agreed to a brain/head MRI.  I've never had one, so I guess I might as well, however, I only agreed to it on the condition that I didn't have to see a neurologist.  The last thing I need in my life is to wait a year to see another dismissive or arrogant specialist (this is my experience with 4 of 5 I've seen).

I've been enjoying summer a lot despite the much worsened POTS.  Sitting outside, tinkering in my gardens, being warm.