There are debates about happiness. Some scientists will tell you that a good part of it is genetic, or biological. Are some of us just programmed to be more happy, to take a rosier view of things? There are so many ways to look at it. I read one study recently that looked at a connection between money and happiness. This study found that wealthy people after a certain number (it was under $100 000) aren't any more happy than those with less money, however, there was a cut off. So those who live in poverty did have less happiness (this is no big surprise, when I was struggling this year to pay my bills, it did add a layer of stress to everything else).
So why am I writing about happiness? Because I'm wondering why I'm sad so much of the time lately. Why does life feel so hard/difficult and empty? Why, out of all my whole family, am I the only one who seems to be mourning my mom? Why does this loss have me crying from time to time still 6 months later, why is there a huge hole that I can't seem to fill? It's not like we had the perfect relationship or that we were together a lot (we weren't). It was two or three visits a year and a phone call a week.
Sometimes, even on my "good days" health wise I struggle to feel happy. Instead, I feel so alone. Alone in an empty house I'm mostly too sick to leave, alone with my grief, unattached and unloved by any partner, alone taking care of my dad (not completely true because they help him out at his place, but family-wise very true). And despite the fact I'm working, and that is good, work-wise I feel "alone" because there is no community to bounce things off...no office with a person next door to chat with. The only reason I'm able to do this job is because I don't have to go to an office, on the other hand, there is a feeling of isolation.
My mom's passing this year, brought into focus the temporary nature of human existence for me. I feel like this should mean every moment I have is precious and important. Instead, often I feel like the moments drag, I ponder whether anything matters really.
So basically, I'm having a bit of a "down". It's not all the time, but it is nice to have a place to write about it. Do you ever share any of these same thoughts or feelings?
Hi Upnorth, It's really hard to make every moment precious, near impossible especially when our days are so much the same day after day. I do think you hit the nail on the head when you said something about the lack of community, people in the flesh community !! I look back on all the friends I've lost and it's not their fault- I just can't handle social interaction very much or for very long. Then on top of that you've just lost your mother, heart wrenching. Mourning is long and of course entails facing our own mortality as you mentioned. My parents died 10 years a go, very few tears now (unless I put on certain music) but the sadness never goes away, and we can't get out and about to lift ourselves up--this blasted disease !!! Yes, sometimes we just get tired of it all. So I'm afraid I've nothing to say much that can lift your spirits, but just want you to know that I've been thinking about you. from Leah
ReplyDeleteThanks for so often taking the time to respond here Leah, I feel like I have a friend out there in the world who's listening, makes me feel less alone.
ReplyDelete