Being Chronically Ill Isn't a Character Flaw.

You know, quite often when I'm feeling ill, I start feeling bad about myself.  Originally, I looked for all the things I may have done 'wrong' to cause the illness.  Now instead it's when I crash, I look for all the things I may have done 'wrong' to crash.  Living in a society that often focuses the lens on individual behavior as the cause of illness vs. the larger environmental causes, it's hard not to tell ourselves that somehow we are to blame.

And it's not that we may or may not have made some poor choices for our health, but in reality, really wonderful people who are doing everything 'right' get chronic illnesses. And people who treat their bodies poorly can live long, healthy lives.

Any time I start feeling bad about myself as a person because I'm ill, I remind myself that I didn't choose this!!! I have no desire to be sick, feel miserable, and spend all but 2 or 3 hours of my day laying down!  No one would choose this.  We all had goals and dreams and want to live a full life.

And for the most part, I'm doing the best I can to be as healthy as I can.  I do indulge in some treats: I still drink an organic coffee or two each morning, and I love my dark chocolate.....but if something as small as this was at the root of my illness, I would have recovered by now (to be honest, over the years I have gone "off" just about every food or drink imaginable in order to regain my health).

Yesterday I over did it, so today I woke up feeling especially ill.  I could feel the self-blame creeping in.  "I am such a bad person for being sick, on disability, living off the government",  "if I was tougher I would do more", "I am unlikable because I am sick, that's why I have so few friends", "someone else who felt this sick and weak would still be tougher, do more, be better at coping".....

I try to squash these thoughts with self talk that is more positive...."you're doing the best you can",  "no one who felt this sick would be able to rally, look at the fact that more than 60% are fully disabled", "the reason you crash is because you DO try and you take on too much", "look at everything you manage despite being sick"

So that's my story today.  I have my folks coming for their annual visit and am getting some things ready. I am really excited to see them as my life has been pretty lonely lately.

My immune system has plummeted even more since the cold virus in April and I'm still dealing with sinusitis (viral), a yeast infection (my first), canker sores in my mouth and throat, and upset stomach.  I went to the clinic again and got some meds.  Hopefully removing at least  one layer of infection can help my poor immune system rally.  That, and the time I'm spending camped out on my chair in the sun.  Yay sun!

I am the Tortoise

Can you believe I still have a cold lingering and it's been a month?  I think the antibiotics I took probably did nothing as the sinus infection was most likely viral.  I'm telling myself it was worth it, though, because I had the start of an ear infection too, and in my book, they are not something to take lightly.

I am quite a bit improved but I still have a thick post-nasal mucus and what feels like sinus headaches.  It has even woken me up a few times.  Also, I am still hoarse.  But I finally had three, yes THREE decent days in a row!  I'm talking about decent days M.E. wise and/or energy wise which just goes to show that M.E. is far more debilitating than a cold virus.  So that was great.  Of course I did too much, but after a month of feeling crap without a break that's not unexpected.  I'm crashed today but still happy about the 3 days which also coincided with some "sit outdoors" time.

On the PhD end, progress is very very slow.  I worked 90 - 120 min every day the last 7 days and feel as if I am no closer to getting things edited.  I'm at the point where I am fine tuning and rewriting some things to go to my committee.  Once they are approved, I will "defend" my portfolio which is basically an oral mid-term exam....If I pass I become what is called a "PhD candidate" instead of a PhD student.

I realize I have many obstacles other students don't have (mainly that I'm quite ill and I just finished a year of medical leave). On the other hand, it's been difficult lately to watch the announcements for all those who started 2 years after me (one even three) and who have just finished defending their portfolios.

I keep telling myself "slow progress is still progress" and "the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step"....I've made these into my mantras so I don't loose momentum.  Perhaps I am the tortoise in the tortoise and the hare?  I like that analogy......partly because I have always loved tortoises and turtles.  In fact once, when I was in grade 2, I disappeared from school for hours and my Mom finally found me at a local pond "looking for turtles"....I was so engrossed, hours had gone by.

As for art, I have done nothing in a while as I've been focusing on the editing.  Still, I have sold a couple pieces which can pay for the ink I just ordered.  I also created a facebook page and a website with all my more favourite prints I've made since 2006. I used a blogging site as I'm more familiar with those and here is a link if you'd like to look: http://gjkuhl.wordpress.com

Will it never end???!!!

I'm sure all of us who are chronically ill think this from time to time.  "Will it ever end?" "Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?" "How much longer do I have to endure this? Days, months, years?"

In one way, I am lucky in that I have up and down days.  I never feel well, but I have days where I can do things: short outings, art, a little gardening, editing, writing or researching for my PhD.  My choices are limited and my work periods short, but at least I have days where I manage things.  Over time, I look back and see experiences I have accumulated by making the most of my good moments.

On the other hand, there are times when I feel so fed up by this limiting illness.  Right now I have a lingering cold along with an M.E. bad period/crash.  It doesn't really matter what is causing me to be so weak, sick, utterly exhausted and useless but I can't help but asking myself, "Is this the antibiotic I'm taking, the lingering cold, an M.E. crash, or all three?"

Yesterday I barely left my bed.  When I put on my PJ's in the evening it was so exhausting doing this minor task I had to take a break part-way through.

I still sound hoarse and stuffed up from this cold.  It's been at least two and 1/2 weeks!  I'm clearly over the bulk of it, but what the heck? Why am I not healing?  Will it never end?  Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

I tell myself each night when I go to bed that tomorrow will very likely be better and I feel hopeful.  Most days lately, however, I wake up only to feel just as wiped out.

Today I was able to spend 20min printing the last layer of a print.  It turned out OK....not my favourite, but not terrible.  I thought I would post photos of each of the three layers so you can see how the process works.  I did the task then headed right back to bed to spend another day.  Wow, it just amazes me the combined power of this illness and cold virus right now.

I hope my readers are having better days then me.  Send me some good healing vibes if you can.

I carved out the trees then inked a pink and blue blend

I carved out the block leaving just clouds/sky and water

The final layer is a separate block with the trees, land and birds inked with a darker grey/blue 

Never Ending Cold

 "I have never exaggerated a single thing in my entire life!"

OK, Sometimes I exaggerate.  Yes it's true.

Case in point, this isn't the never ending cold virus.  On the other hand, it's one of the longest ones I can remember having.  I just can't seem to kick it.  So after two weeks (give or take) of having this nasty virus, I woke up today still completely crashed and wiped out and decided to seek some help.  I thought to myself, even if I could just get some prescription nasal spray or something I should go in to the clinic or a walk in.

The stars were aligned because I called my clinic and my NP was able to squeeze me in the same day due to a cancellation.  It turns out I DO have a sinus infection (which I suspected) as well as the beginnings of an ear infection.  Also some swollen glands which I figured out on my own (and this happens to me with the M.E too).  Mostly I just feel more drained than usual and like I have a never ending cold (head ache, post nasal, stuffed up).

So now I need to fill out my prescription which might wait until tomorrow when I have help from my roommate.  I'm so wiped after getting myself to the appointment and back.

On another note, it is finally ice-out on the big lake  (Lake Superior).  I would think many of the inland lakes will have ice for a few more weeks.  Sadly, I see no way of getting down to the Lake to see the dregs of the ice melt away - one of my favourite spring activities - I'm just feeling too ill.

We had more snow last week and it wasn't just a snowfall followed by melt.  It stayed cold.  I went outside, sat on the patio and built a little snow guy.  I figured if you can't beat um, join um right?  I'm posting a photo to make you laugh.

Today it is spring finally.  And it's supposed to stick around now.

As some mentioned in comments, weather can make things better or worse.  I think this long winter has taken a toll on me, but on the other hand, I don't do well with extreme heat either.  Maybe it will just be a pleasant warm spring and summer, wouldn't that be nice?

There are only a few little piles of snow hanging around in the neighbourhood - goodbye winter!

May 3rd! and winter still hanging out with us

Double Whammy

So my "breathing issues" turned out to be a nasty cold virus.  It hurt more than usual to breathe for three days and I was feeling esp. weak, but I just thought it was an M.E. flare.  I don't remember ever having had a cold start in my chest like this.

It's been a nasty one, but in all fairness, just a cold.  I haven't had a fever....so that's good.  Sometimes when my immune system ramps up to fight a cold I actually feel a little more energetic (probably similar to a healthy person who has a cold).  But this time round it's been like a double whammy.  I've been completely drained from the cold on top of enduring my normal M.E. feelings of being drained.  Yippee, so much fun.

On the positive side, however, at least I don't have a job where I have to call in sick, or a family to care for while double whammy sick.

I've just been flattened, on the couch or in bed.

Yesterday it was quite warm outside finally!!! so I lay in my patio chair watching the snow melt and soaking in the vitamin D....it was really nice.  It finally feels like spring.  But we are supposed to get 10 cm of snow tomorrow!!!!! Can you believe it?