Sewer Saga

Stress isn't good for anyone, but it can be damaging when you have a chronic illness.
Over two weeks now and NO closer to having an un-blocked sewer.  I've had so many opinions (contradictory) and people working on this thing that my head's spinning.  All I want is a different house, and/or for someone else to have to deal with it.

Also, I'm suffering insomnia which I'm not sure is related (I think it is hormonal), but I do know that while I'm lying awake (this morning since 4 a.m.) the sewer saga definitely comes into my head and causes me stress.

On a happier note I took some photo's of my garden I'll post.

When it rains, it pours….

Well, the blocked sewer actually broke a mechanical industrial grade snake!!  While there are no trees on my property, the sewer is blocked solidly by roots, and may even be collapsed.

Then, I had someone with a "locator" come in to find where exactly the blockage is, and it's (thankfully) outside the house.  Now the front has to be excavated - worst case scenario, all the way to the road.

Meanwhile, this house often smells like a nasty garbage pile, especially on wet days, I've nick-named it "the outhouse".

Question: Does someone who's disabled by M.E. have the energy/health to even deal with plumbers and workers (leg work), let alone the money while on social assistance to pay for these types of issues?

Answer: Absolutely not.
I guess I am "dealing" with them, but not without consequences.

I'm so shaky right now just having had to chat with a very nice (also good looking) plumber for 10 minutes, as well as walk up and down the stairs 2X!!!

I really wish right now that:

a) I had a house that wasn't an old fixer upper, and was small enough that I felt I could manage it.

b) Someone who understood how ill I was, and could be the go-to person to deal with these repairs and the people who are going to make them.  (Someone without a life I guess, because they'd have to be around).  What I really need is a fairy god mother of sorts.

At least I do have some back-up financial help if I need it, although it always feels like begging.  I'm so sick of being a needy, begging, lay-about.  I SO want my healthy life back, one where I had a sense of independence and ability.  And I want some kind of possibility to create income for myself. Sometimes I find ways to accept my life as is, and make the best of it, other times, it is very hard not to wish for my healthy, disease-free body back.

Oh and to make things even more fun, after having my car back two days, I got into it on Friday to go to the corner store and it wouldn't START!!!! We are up to four times in the shop since spring, and 3 in the last few weeks, jeez!

On the plus side, at least I have the nicest garage in the city.

The other plus, is the plumber that's helping me out, is a friend of my roommate's boss, and super nice, willing to do what he can to make economical fixes/repairs.

I keep telling myself, "One day at a time, cope/manage with just this next hour".

Who's interested in the day to day struggles of one chronically ill woman?  I guess it's just nice to have a place to write them down.

Everything at once...

"When it rains, it pours"

Well I guess it's all a matter of perspective, meaning it could be a whole lot worse, I realise.  But lately, it seems like everything is NOT coming up roses for me:

1. My car is in the shop for the 3rd time in a matter of a couple months.  They were willing to patch the exhaust again, but they said not to bring it back next time, take it to a muffler shop.  My car is 20 years old, and since I only do the occasional errand, I use it very little.  But I have NO resources to replace it, so would like to keep it puttering along.

2.  The plumbing in the house is having issues, which I can't afford.  I have someone who's looked at the situation and will give me an estimate soon.  But the long and short of it, is the house was plumbed in the 40's and there are some problems.  Which lately amounts to a nasty nasty smell when it rains, which brings me to number 3:

3. I've been pretty badly crashed since Sunday, and at least one day of this included laying on the couch smelling skanky nastiness the whole day, with no option for escape (yes, all the windows were open), because I was too ill to go out, and it was raining.  I kept a pot of cinnamon, cloves and allspice simmering all day to try to cover the smell - it didn't work. I keep meaning to set up my tent when I'm feeling a bit better, so if we have another stinky rain-day, I could at least go out and lay there.  Hopefully this guy gives me a reasonable estimate so I can get this resolved soon…..still waiting.

4. I'm feeling sick of being poor and overwhelmed by the costs of living.

5. Did I mentioned I'm crashed? Today this includes a fever, body aches, hurts to breath like influenza, sore throat, and weakness (again).

On the positive, I now have a "rough" draft of my dissertation, however, I need to go back and re-write the first three chapters.

Nonetheless, feeling so poor and helpless had me online looking for job options, but despite my massive amounts of education, this stupid illness makes it so hard.  Starting maybe around January, I'd like a part time job (approx 10 hours a week or less) that I can do mostly from home (and bed), and on a flexible schedule…loose deadlines, because I can't predict when I'll be flared. I didn't see a single job that would fit that, although I do think there is some online teaching or writing out there for me somewhere.  Best, I guess to cross that bridge…..

P.S. since writing this I did set up my tent, which makes me feel better about the next rainy day, as I now have somewhere to escape to (reading a book in my tent will be a lot better than smelling nasty grossness all day), it will be like camping :) .

Breaking the cycle

After a week or more of doing well (except POTS), and despite having travelled, the M.E. flared.  I am back to feeling quite ill and weak, no energy at all.  Zilch.  I got out of bed this morning and had a swooping black-out. The viral symptoms have increased (my sore throat kept me up much of the night), and I feel like every cell in my body has been poisoned, it hurts to breathe….and my mood, which has been so decent (I thought two months on St. John's Wort was making a difference) plummeted.  It plummeted because I can't do much more than lay in bed.  And while laying here, it's hard to distract myself from how sick I feel, how helpless.  To wallow in self-pity.

And it only took a week of feeling decent for the internal dialogue to start: "I'm sure you could work at least part-time if you tried", "You exaggerate how sick you feel most the time.", "Most people would manage to do more despite having M.E.".

And of course, feeling a little better means I almost always  push things and do more….I worked on some art, went to the dog yard, ran a couple errands, even went over to some friends house for a short visit.  Now I wish I'd done none of it, stayed here in my little cocoon instead, avoided the crash.  Now I have to live through this flare that will last how long? I have no idea.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll ever stop making the most of my few decent days, I just wish I could stop telling myself during them that I'm lazy or a lay-about, or somehow not doing the best I can. Or the internal dialogue that if I manage to do something like travel, it means I'm not disabled by illness.  (And a decent day is relative, I don't mean I'm able to sit up all day or go for a walk or grocery shop, just an outing of an hour, or 4 hours sitting up a day, rather than one or two).

I should come here when I'm feeling decent, just to remind myself to use a modicum of caution as I enjoy the "better" moments/days (not as a downer).  The reality is, when I'm feeling a bit better, I avoid anything to do with being sicker and more limited (including thinking about it), I try my best to put it out of my mind.