Books I Read in 2012

Here's a list of the books I read this year.  I starred my favourites.  As you can see, I tried to read some of the old children's classics I never read as a kid.  For example: Jungle Book, Watership Down, Wind in the Willows.

I am HOME!!!  Which is (I think) good.  And I survived Christmas in the south. There were challenges based the the situations down there (more to follow in a later blog), but on the positive, it made me realize that things could be a lot worse (they are for certain family members).

So if you are a reader, maybe you can find a good pick for 2013 in this list.

And Happy New Year to my blogging friends.

2012

1. I am number four - Pittacus Lore

2. The Jungle Book – Rudyard Kipling

3. David Copperfield - Charles DIckens

4. The Power of Six - Pittacus Lore

5. Lizard Cage - Karen Connelly

*6. The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern

7. Dance with Dragons - George R. R. Martin

8. Orx and Crake - Margaret Attwood

9. Heart of Lies - M. L. Malcolm

10. I Am Number Four: The Lost Files: Six's Legacy - Pittacus Lore

11. Horten's Miraculous Mechanisms: Magic, Mystery & a Very Strange Adventure - Lissa Evans

12. Inheritance -  Christopher Paolini

13. How to be Sick - Toni Bernard

14. The Tiger's Wife - Tea Obriht

15. Seven Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini

*16. Watership Down - Richard Adams

17. Augusta Locke - Willian Haywood Henderson

18. The Tiger - John Vaillant

19. Sharp North - Patrick Cave

*20. Sweetness in the Belly – Camilla Gibb

21. Churchill on Hudson Bay - Agnes and Bernice MacIver

22. The Chosen – Chaim Potok

23. 100 Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

*24. The Diviners - Margaret Laurence

25. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – J K Rowling

26. The White Bone – Barabara Gowdy

27. Okay for Now – Gary D. Schmidt

28. A Good House – Bonnie Burnard

29. The Flight of Gemma Hardy – Margot Livesey

30. The Casual Vacancy – J K Rowling

31. Magisterium – Jeff Hirsch

32. Cat’s Table ­– Michael Ondaatje

33. The Sisters Brothers – Patrick deWitt

*34. Divergent – Veronica Roth

35. Insurgent – Veronica Roth

36. The Tower, the Zoo, and the Tortoise – Julia Stuart

37. The Virgin Cure – Ami McKay

38. The Prisoner of Azkaban – JK Rowling

39. The Kindness of Strangers – Katrina Kittle

40. The Maelstrom – Henry Neff

41. Summer of the Wolves – Lisa Williams Kline

42. The Hobbit – J R Tolkien

43. The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

44. Plainsong – Kent Haruf

small miracles

First, I would just like to say thank-you to all who wrote and/or called to support me last week.  I was in a very low place.  And when I'm that low I usually feel very very alone.  I don't have a huge support network, but after receiving all the support I did last week, I realize I do have people in my life who care.

We've been facing grey day after grey day here.  I don't mind winter when it's snowy.  But I do not like that brown mucky pre and post winter time.  Well it rained and we lost most of the snow.  What's left is slushy and brown.  I woke up this morning and thought it must be really early because it was so dark out, but it was just the grey socked-in sky.  Isn't Thunder Bay supposed to be one of the sunniest cities in eastern Canada?  I could use some sun beaming through the window.

While I can complain about this dull, gloomy weather, on the positive side, the antibiotic vancomycin that I had to wait weeks for started to do it's thing after about 24 hrs.  It was amazing.  While the intestinal issues aren't completely gone, I'm not spending near the time sitting on the throne and since I started the drug I have not been nauseous at all....even once.  And I've been hungry!....I can't remember the last time I felt hungry like this?  On the other hand, I'm still having some intestinal pain and the drug is causing some pretty significant fatigue.....or is that just the M.E.?

Anyways, I feel like this drug has been like a small miracle.  I'm so glad I got it and a little amazed at how quickly it worked.  I really wonder how long I've been dealing with this c. difficile? Months? Years?

My roommate came down with what we thought might be influenza, but after less than 48hrs he's back on his feet so it must have been some 24hr bug?  I'm hoping with my low immunity that I don't catch it.  Fingers crossed.

It did remind me, though, how tough us sickies are.  Seriously.  He was so miserable (and rightly so); but as he lay there moaning I thought "we do this every day, for years!".   I wondered what would happen if I moaned and groaned every single day?  I think the few people I know would run in the opposite direction as fast as they could.  (To be fair, I do a good bit of moaning here on this blog).  But it did give me a moment of self respect.

Anyways, I thought I'd share that small bit of good news.

Imploding

You know when you can't stand your own life for another second?

Things here are kind of messed up right now (not my issues, but they affect me). But the thing is, I can't get away.

I'm too sick to drive anywhere and I have no money (enough to pay bills and I've already wracked up credit for Christmas).  I considered a motel but I'm just too broke.

I just talked to my parents about my visit south (which will be a kind of get away) and they seem to be completely clued out to how sick I am and what a challenge this will be.

It's no wonder people face such depression around the holidays.

To top it off, I really have no one to talk to as all of my (a whole of 3) local friends are wrapped up in this mess.

Its the closest I've come to wanting to just die for a while.  I mean if I were healthy and had a support network of people in my life, it probably wouldn't seem near as big. And no, I'm not going to kill myself but after 10 years of laying around sick, suffering and useless to the world, I can't imagine being too upset if my upcoming MRCP shows cancer....

It's just too much right now.  I'm depressed.  I almost always get depressed this time of year due to the low light thing, but this just hit like a brick after doing pretty well for a while.  At least I went a few months not hating my life.

You know I realize life wasn't perfect before getting sick, and had I stayed healthy, I still  would have had challenges.  But it's just too much.  I miss having power over my own life.  I think this is the main thing that is bringing me so low at present.  Power to go for a run or exercise, socialize, make friends, work, make a lot of choices that just aren't even an option.  I'm just so sad and fed up.

I could really use a kind word at the moment from those who know what it's like to go through life dragging around an ill body.

I'm just ready to be done with my life....I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

As for the c. difficile, the form to get the drug covered is still out there somewhere in paperwork limbo.  I've improved a bit with whacks of probiotics enough that I'm eating OK for the most part so I'm not too worried to be honest.  And I feel as if I have no advocate anymore for my health.  I realize I was lucky to be a patient of the only full time specialist in the province....but now with her gone, I feel as if I'm facing this monster of an illness completely alone.

Positive for Infection

Five or six years ago I had a c. difficile infection.  I was having intestinal distress and pain (more than the usual that seems to come with this illness).  I went to a walk-in clinic and for a change, I had a nice thoughtful Dr.  He had me do some tests and they called me later to tell me I had c. difficile.

The antibiotic for that is usually Flagyl.  It's famous for making people nauseous. The Flagyl made me vomit so much that after 3 1/2 days I had to stop treatment.  I had a great Naturopath at the time who told me to take a potent fermented probiotic called BioK.  My repeat test a few weeks later was negative so I assumed it worked.

Well as those who read this know, I've had serious intestinal woes after 2 infections last winter.  The second infection (in Feb.) felt a lot like the c. difficile, but at that point I was negative.  My NP and specialist gave me more tests to do in the summer, but I didn't bother.  I was frustrated with lack of answers.

In  a moment of intestinal distress and weakness this week, I went ahead and did the tests that were sitting in the cupboard because I didn't see how this problem couldn't be an infection?

Well it turns out I was positive for c. difficile toxin again.  Unfortunately the social welfare disability I'm on won't cover the other drug (non-flagyl one).  So now I wait until Monday to see if there is a way around it, or some program that might cover it for me.

I picked up a pack of BioK in the mean time.

For those who haven't heard of it, c. difficile is famous for its hospital outbreaks.  In its most toxic form, it can kill people.  Milder infection just causes diarrhea and intestinal pain.  It usually hits after someone takes an antibiotic.  The antibiotic wipes out the good bacteria in the gut and the c. difficile then invades.  The toxin created can cause major bowel inflammation, even perforation.  In my case (I've only taken antibiotics once in over 20 years and that was for the c. diff) I figure it's just the fact that I'm immune compromised.

I was so frustrated today because I tried to go pick up the BioK myself (I often can't manage errands).  It's only 2 blocks away (I drove) and only one person was in front of me in line; but I came out dizzy, shaky, weak, and crying it was so awful.  I'm pretty sure it's the OI as I had a couple sessions of seeing stars this morning when standing up.

How can I be this sick?  It's so frustrating - my useless body.  I hate that I have already lost 10 years of my life to this sickness and it doesn't seem to be improving.  I'm so frustrated with living my whole life mostly laying down, trapped in this stupid house.  I want to do a simple errand.  It's ridiculous, I'm 41 not 101!

To top it off, there is some drama going on here and I can't even escape and clear my head because I'm trapped here by my body, in this house.  More than anything I could use a run like the old days, or even a drive.