I'm guessing that after I fly back to deal with my parents tomorrow, I will be on hiatus again. In the two months I was down there, I stayed in touch with my life very little. One friend did call and talk for a while, which was huge. I hope I don't slip into a vortex again. I feel as if I wasn't even a person while I was there…give care, rest, give care, rest, answer questions, give care etc.
On the very very positive, I managed to do a lot while I've been home, not to mention, I still haven't relapsed!! That being said, I've felt pretty darn ill the last two days and last night I almost cried thinking about having to fly/travel Wednesday let alone all the issues that await me.
Two days after I left, things fell apart and my mom was moved to a hospice ward (and much of that was organized through me via phone). My mom is still on the hospice ward and I expect she'll have to stay there for at least a couple weeks even though she really wants to come home. While two months of being the main care giver didn't relapse me, I just don't think I can be her full time nurse, deal with my dad, all while ill myself. On the other hand, I want her to die at home if possible, but if that means 90% of the care falls to me, I just don't think I can do it.
Also weighing on my mind, I came home to a sewer that was supposedly fixed, only to find all the same issues. It turns out that the storm sewer, not the actual sewer was repaired!!! So the open pit of backed-up sewage was still full in the basement, the house smelt as foul as ever, and fruit flies and bugs were emerging from the drains. Sigh. So frustrating.
Last night my plumber friend and his assistant came and broke up the cement in the basement (again) and started digging down in an attempt to find the real sewer. He was able to pull a fist size wad of roots out of the sewer in his 4th attempt to auger it, but there is definitely something solid blocking it, as all 3 people who've tried to snake it have discovered.
Anyways, wish me luck whatever the next couple months entail. I hope you are all doing AWAP.
Gail sending you strength!!!! Do not be hard on yourself about hospice. My grandfather lived with my parents for 3 years…they are well, but also had me to help for…they also had my mom's brother and sister and their respective spouses…it was our great hope for the same..my grandfather died of just being tired and elderly…so his decline was slow but then at the end despite all our wishes to do this at home it was not possible. It is the most difficult reality to deal with someone you love so much and not being able to do what in your heart you want to…I'm telling you this b/c with all their support - his needs and our set up at their home just were not being met - he died with family around him..not at our home - and it was heartbreaking for all of us…but please be kind to yourself - you are not alone with that heartbreaking decision. My mom just recently changed the room he lived in b/c it was just too hard to look at all the time. Hugs from a far. Best always, Heather
ReplyDeletegail - sending you strength and love as you re-enter that somewhat alternate universe. - jen
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