Fighting...

Having a nasty cold with M.E., then barely sleeping for night after night, is no picnic.  I feel today (maybe?) I've turned a corner.  I slept a little at least.  And the cold seems to have eased a bit, although I now have a cough.  I woke last night at 3am and my face was sopping wet from tears, my sinuses were letting loose.

I feel like my body is fighting hard right now, and I'm pretty wiped out.  And the only time I've been out of the house in over a week is a 10 min trip to the bank a few blocks away (I drove).

I'm laying in bed, drinking tea, with the dog beside me on her back, legs splayed and comfortable.  She is great company.  Unfortunately she's been having some eye issues and we have to make another trip to the vet in the next week or so for a test…I may have to beg, borrow and steal (literally) to come up with the funds.

At one point I thought a great charity to start would be a fund for companion pets for the ill.  That way, if you made almost no money due to a disability and/or illness, you wouldn't have to fore go the company of a companion animal.

I don't know how I'd survive so much time alone and ill if it weren't for the company of my dog.  But when my last dog died, I couldn't even afford to have her cremated, and with this dog, it looks like she may have a genetic eye disease meaning more $$$ for her care, money that I don't have.

On to nicer things, I spent a month and a half on a print.  It's a triptych of chickadees in some birch trees with either a snowy hill in the background, or the shoreline of a snowy lake.  After all that work (I'm not done yet either), I got something that's just Okay. I was hoping I'd just love it, and the proofs got me hopeful.  But that's how it goes with art.  And I won't be doing any for at least a few months while I try to tackle my dissertation this winter.

Down for the count….

I know I'm always saying M.E. (for me anyways) is very viral.  Sometimes it takes me a couple days to know if it's just an immune crash or a cold virus.  Well after more than a year and 1/2, I have a full blown cold. It's the same body achy, low energy, sore throat, but the sinus stuff is different with a cold, and the throat was bad enough that it woke me at 2 am the other night and took a long while to get back to sleep (eventually I had to resort to pain killers).

This cold makes me think I have less stamina than I used to.  I used to just get on with things when I had a cold (work, activities, whatever), but I'm feeling like a complete wuss this time round.

On the other hand, were I able to choose between a cold and a crash day, hands down I'd take the cold every time.  The feeling of ick and malaise and weakness is so so so so much worse with a crash than a cold.

On the plus, it seems to be a fast and furious virus and day 3 has already moved into sinuses.  If I can avoid an ear infection and a cough, I'll be happy.  But my productivity has gone way down.

Otherwise, nothing is new.  I've been working on two prints for over a month now, but they are slow going.  I'm also working on PhD almost every day, but haven't managed to do a 10 hour week since October, pathetic.

I'm pretty homebound at present, but not feeling as much cabin fever as I usually do when I'm unable to get out for a long while.

Because I'm not travelling to see family at Christmas this year, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  The process of travelling, then dealing with all the family dynamics while ill, can be so overwhelming and depressing.

I do it almost evey Christmas because it has always been the important holiday for my family, and I know it means so much to my parents for me to come…but I can't tell you the sence of relief I have this year knowing I don't have to force this sick body through the whole ordeal, including the usual recovery which often takes more than a month!!!

This year, very unChristmasy, I'm putting myself and my health first. How about you? How will you accomadate yourself to manage the holidays? Or will you? I know it is a very tough time for most who suffer chronic illnesses.

How I Spend My Days...

I want to write a post, but really have nothing new to tell or report.

So I'll share how I spend my days:

9-10 a.m. Wake up, make coffee and feed the dog, go back to bed with coffee, check emails…chill

10:30-12: This is my best time of day, so I work in bed on my PhD stuff.  Right now, listening to my 16 interviews and starting to draw out themes and ideas. I try to work an hour a day, sometimes 2.

12:00: Bathe or shower if I have energy, get dressed...perhaps do the dishes…eat

12:30-1 or 2: If it's a good day, some art sitting up. Very occasionally, an errand. Maybe go to the back yard and fill the bird feeder.

2- 5 p.m.: Back in bed.  My sickest time of day. Read, rest, surf online. If it's a decent day I'll get up for a few minutes here or there to do a little task.

5 p.m.: Do some dinner prep if I'm up for it.

5:30 - 10 p.m.: Move to the couch for TV watching and eating, maybe Skype chat with a friend.

10:00 - 11:00 p.m.: Back in bed, read, fall asleep.

On a bad day, I spend less than half an hour without my feet elevated.  On a good day, maybe 2 hrs, tops 3 hours not laying down or on couch with feet up.

Wow, seeing it listed like this makes me realise how little I do!

Due to side effects, I'm back to a 1/2 dose of Florinef, which does nothing for me.  I've been very tachycardic this week, with major POTS symptoms.  We'll see if my cardiologist is any help when i see him tomorrow.

Three kinds of dizziness and treating OI

Since contracting M.E., I have suffered from three, yes three, types of dizziness.  The first is vertigo, which is when things seem to be moving or spinning.  This one I don't get very often, usually after a cold virus.

The second type I might not even call 'dizziness' except I can't find another word to describe it. Basically, I feel like I am looking at the world through layers of fuzz.  My eyesight is affected, and it is worse when I move my head.  Noise, bright lights, and anything moving, basically most stimuli aggravate it.

While visiting friends over this past weekend, I had such a bad bout of this, at one point l lost 50% vision in one of my eyes…it was similar to the aura you get before a migraine, without the headache.  I am still suffering some even though I'm now home and doing very little, but with much less stimuli the feeling of 'dizziness' is muted.

The third type is lightheadedness. It is clearly (and has been diagnosed as) orthostatic intolerance. This is a feeling of lightheadedness when upright or standing.  It can lead to blackouts (full loss of vision) and then fainting (passing out).

I mostly notice it if I'm standing for more than a moment or two, or I'm bending over then standing up, or getting up from a laying down position.  I notice a swooping feeling.  I have both types of OI - postural orthostatic tachycardia (POTS) which is a heart rate that increases by more than 30 beats a minute when going from incline to standing.  I also have postural hypotension, meaning that my blood pressure drops when I stand up.

So a while ago I said I had some good news re: new treatment.  The treatment is a drug called Florinef. It is a type of synthetic glucocorticoid (a hormone secreted by the adrenal glands) that is supposed to help with the orthostatic intolerance by regulating heart rate and blood pressure.  Well after two weeks on a 1/2 dose, I noticed no change.  Then, after a week on the full dose I had a very amazing improvement of symptoms.

However, seeing as the severity of OI comes and goes, I didn't want to report improvement, in case it was just a coincidental good spell.  Now I'm wondering if it is helping, as I'm still getting symptoms.  It does not seem to help much with the POTS, or standing tachycardia.  My HR is still over 120 if I stand very long, as well, my hands continue to turn purple from blood pooling even if I'm just sitting.

I DO think it is helping with the the hypotension.  While I've had a few minor swooping blackouts the last few days, I'm crashed, so it's not a huge surprise. I am having way way less blackouts over all.  I can bend over and get a scoop of dog food for the dog, for example, or bend down to get something out of a lower cupboard, without a blackout and that is a definite improvement.

I'm not sure whether it's enough improvement that I'll stay on the drug?  But I want to stay on it for a while, while I sort out what is the normal fluctuation of symptoms, and what is actual improvement.

Thoughts on the concept of P.E.M. or crashing…

Has anyone with M.E. ever had a friend or family member "get" or understand P.E.M. (post exertional malaise) or crashing?  I figure it must have happened to someone, I'd love to hear stories.

Over and over and over again I  have the experience of non-M.E. sickies not getting the concept.  For example, if I say I'm crashed or ill, when they reply, they say "oh you're tired?"

I have had M.E. for over 12 years, and everyone close to me in my life has been told by me innumerous times that an M.E. crash is like having the weakness and symptoms of influenza or a bad cold virus.

It's like being extremely weak and ill (sore throat, swollen glands, dizziness and even fevers sometimes).  It is NOT the same as tired or worn out.  Not that tired isn't an element, but it's more akin to the weakness and exhaustion of a severe virus.  But I could be a broken record, and it seems it doesn't make a difference. Some folks will forever think I'm experiencing "tired", like a healthy gets, rather than "sick".

In a similar vein, it seems there is far more encouragement from people in my life to do more, not less.  Imagine if every time you had an outing out of the house, or tried to do a task, 36 hrs later you endured the equivalent of influenza?  I don't think if someone experienced or really listened and understood this, they would encourage me to push.

Case in point, I went through most of July, all of August all of September, and into early October, before I had a day where I didn't feel absolutely horribly ill.  In part, it was the travel I did in August and early Sept. I did it, I toughed it out, I managed.  Maybe that's all people see from the outside.

It was so bad in September, I was so tired and fed up with being ill, and disappointed in how little I could manage, that I wanted my life to end.  I didn't want to live another single day that ill.  Then around mid October, after being home over a month, I had a better day.

I mean ultimately it's up to me.  If I want to down grade the suffering, I have to avoid pushing.  Live like a monk, never do more than a few small tasks a day.  One short outing a week, otherwise homebound.  This way I can avoid the worst crashes. But it would be nice if, a little more often, I felt supported in this from the outside, felt that someone else thinks it's OK for me, or anyone who's chronically ill for that matter, to avoid crashes even if it means we're not "doing", "producing" etc.

Beleive me, it's hard enough to remind myself that I still have some worth outside of my productivity, my activity.  I'm pretty sensitive about how useless I am, (or feel I am).  And I've always been an active "busy' person, so NOT doing is already torture.

Let me throw in here,  that there are the few odd times certain people do urge me to not push.  And I find, for example, if it's my roommate/friend, that it gives me a feeling of support, as well as a reminder.

My mom, on occasion has also mentioned "Don't overdo, you know how bad it can get." At the same time, if I'm visiting them, and I spend most my time in bed, she says, "You don't like spending time with us."

Also, I have a friend reunion coming up and a couple of those friends, knowing how terrible the fall was for me, have been super understanding about me coming only if I'm well enough.

My old specialist was a huge proponent of pacing and resting.  While she didn't have M.E. she was able to see over and over what happened to those who didn't learn to pace.  She told me once if I didn't take better care, I might end up in a nursing home in my 30s…because she'd seen it happen.

Do your friends or family members ever encourage pacing and resting, avoiding P.E.M.?  It must be hard from the outside to see someone you love just laying around all the time, cautious to ever go out and "do things".  As a friend or family member, one must wonder if the person with M.E. isn't just a little lazy or overly cautious, whether it's really that bad and not in some part a "mental" issue.  I mean they even look well.

Another pet peeve I have is when friends start using the word "crash" when talking to me about how "tired" they are in their own lives, once again demonstrating that they think "crash" means really tired, rather than really ill and weak. So now I try now to use P.E.M., or "I'm having an M.E. crash."  I can still feel empathy for others who get downright exhausted living their lives.  It's just that P.E.M. or crashing is a biological immune reaction to activity and not - really tired.

According to research thus far, M.E. is the only illness that shows biological abnormalities in metabolism, heart function, and the immune, and nervous systems 24 and 48 hours after exercise.  This is not the same as being "tired".  Basically when we, people with M.E. are active, 24 hours later our bodies react, releasing immune cytokines similar to those released when someone has a virus.  So P.E.M. or crashing, really is like being sick.

So on a very positive note, I have some GREAT news about my health to report.  However, at this point I'm going to leave this as a teaser.  The treatment seems to have made a big difference (quite drastic in fact) for a week now, but I don't want to find out that the changes are some kind of fluke.  So next week, if the improvement continues, I'll report on the treatment that is responsible.

Some research news

Hi folks,

Sorry I haven't posted for a while.  I'm trying, with my limited energy, to work on my PhD.  I've also started doing a little bit of art/printmaking again, so I don't have much left for writing.

Remember how I was hopeful about the Standford research group?  Well they published a study last week, and despite it's very small size, it got a lot of press….perhaps because it's Standford?

Here's a link to an article about it. Basically, the researcher/s in the Standford group looking at the brain, found some significant abnormalities in the M.E. group vs healthy controls. Not surprising…I think when all's said and done, this illness will turn out to be similar to M.S. - a neuro immune disease.

They mention that these abnormalities, could be the result of an infection or infections…but what's even cooler, is that the level of fatigue/weakness, seemed to correlate with the abnormalities:
http://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2014/10/study-finds-brain-abnormalities-in-chronic-fatigue-patients.html

Here's another group that is crowd funding in order to do research about M.E.  They have been unable to get money from the government, mostly because M.E. is ridiculously underfunded and still stigmatized.

If you want to give to a good cause, I think this is one.  I gave $25 a while back despite being broke.  Perhaps I should do some kind of fundraiser (with all my vast amounts of energy) haha.
http://www.microbediscovery.org

Here's a proof of the print I've been working on.  It's getting there.  I'm going to run some more, perhaps making the horizon slightly brighter so the sun shows up better.

Today is a really really sick day.  I am achey and fluey, sore throat, headache, weakness, hurts to breathe as if someone scoured my lungs.  I went to the dentist yesterday, so I'm guessing this is a crash.

I'd rather be a healthy person with two cold viruses at the same time and run a 10km than suffer a crash day with M.E.  It's worse, and the sad thing, is I'm not exaggerating. Not even close.