Crashing....

This month of doing more than I have in 5 or 6 years, is catching up to me....plus staying up too late last night.
But in a week and 1/2 it will be over (the intense course part anyways).

The crash is setting in.
For me "crash" means feeling the effects of doing too much. I can crash anywheres from an afternoon to a week.

My crashes almost always start with a sore throat (or a worsening sore throat) then the deep-seated chest ache - it hurts to breathe too deeply.
Then the fatigue and weakness set in. I have to lay down a lot. Every little activity drains me.
The only way to improve when I'm crashed is to rest....and rest and rest.
If you don't have M.E. it feels very much like the fatigue and ache that come with influenza.

I define relapse differently. I only call it a relapse if it's more than a week long and I loose the gains I've made overtime. It's like starting over. I've never had a severe relapse....mostly month-long ones. I have 2 or 3 relapses a year.

Anyways, I'm off to rest so this remains a short crash and nothing more.

Riding the waves or not?

I guess one of the hardest parts of managing this PhD course is not knowing whether or not to ride the waves?

For example, if I do too much I can crash, or worse yet, relapse. However, sometimes when I start to feel ill and I push through, I'm fine....nothing happens (except that it sucks to push through when I'm feeling ill).

I feel like I'm continually asking questions and making assessments. I'm sick of it. For example, at break today I wasn't feeling too badly so I thought I'd keep going. However, the last 45min of class I was feeling awful, and yet I chose to push through rather than deal with the awkwardness of getting up and walking out. But then I came home and surprisingly wasn't feeling too bad. Which makes me think, wow, maybe I really can do more and push through? But I just don't know because sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

It's going to be a very tough week so this may be my only blog entry all week. We have a 10 page paper to complete by Friday. It just happens that my friend is coming through town with her family (all 7 of them) and staying Tues. and Wed. night.

Problem is, when I go to class, I come home and need to lay down and rest, sometimes for the remainder of the day. So when am I going to write a paper? Luckily, I did manage 4 pages over the weekend.

But this is when I start to think - "I just don't want to do this to myself". Then I start feeling apathetic - "I just don't care". I think it's a combination of feeling sick and overwhelmed.
Anyways, I'm fading.........................................

Dr. Appointment

For the first time this week I made it through the four hours of class. My reward was a sore throat, some minor dizziness, and a good amount of leg tremors (which are still with me).

Instead of going home to rest I then had a Dr. Appointment. As per usual I had to wait 1/2hr, and then my appointment lasted what seemed like an hour. (I don't blame her for the wait, it's the overloaded system - many people in this city don't even have a Dr.).

Mostly we discussed my relapse warning signs and ways for me to continue to manage the course for the next two weeks while avoiding a major relapse. She did a very minor physical then drew lots of blood (same old stuff I think). I like her so far (it's only my second appointment with her). Mostly she's impressed at how much I'm trying to do despite being ill. She also thinks that overall, I have a good handle on my body as well as managing the illness.

We discussed some of my circulation issues of late and she does think I have rayaud's syndrome. She also gave me a prescription for some medical deodorant for the ridiculous sweating issue I've been dealing with since the winter. I'm not sure if I'll fill it out....I don't like the idea of all that aluminum.

I'll let you know if anything interesting comes out of the blood work.
My guess: Low WBC (as per usual when I'm feeling ill) and low ferritin, although with my recent work in that area, I bet I've brought my levels up a little.

I'm going to take tomorrow as it comes. I would be highly surprised if I don't have some sort of crash from today either tomorrow or Saturday. Funny, usually my crash comes about 36 hours after having overdone it. But these tremors are a sign that I'm headed that way. My Dr.'s suggestion was to perhaps take a three day weekend.

Just thought I'd share one of my favourite poems

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles
through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting — over and over
announcing your place in the family of things.

It might be alright for the "average" person....

Wow, I overdid it this morning.

At the beginning of the PhD course, I had offered my car up if anyone needed it. Friday morning one woman in my course discussed borrowing it for grocery shopping - no problem.

I can't imagine being stuck on campus, having to grocery shop by bus (which some of them have been doing). Plus, it's not like I use my car much.

In my head I figured I'd go out to breakfast with folks, then loan them my car while I went home and rested.

Unfortunately, it turns out that none of them really drive standard (clutch)...so I just went to market and the grocery store with them. On top of the outing, I ended up doing the driving - which for me, is equal to siphoning the energy out of my body at high-speed. So my little one hour outing turned into THREE!!! when I should have been home resting.

Of course, chicken shit me didn't have the nerve to say something about my limitations. But at the grocery store and the market I found a place to sit down for the whole time, plus I did mention to one woman I have limited energy due to "health issues".

Oh well, at least it's Saturday and not Sunday. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest up.

I know that every person is different and we all have our challenges, but a three hour outing for me is a HUGE challenge and reminds me that I'm just no longer an "average" person (whatever that means).

On the positive side, I did make it through week one of the PhD, missing only 2 hours total. The outing today also gave me the opportunity to get to know a few classmates better.

Emotional

In some ways I'm not really a very emotional person. I try to keep a calm and steady demeanor. I'm very intellectual about most stuff. (Not that I think being emotional or expressing emotion is necessarily a bad thing - it's just as a rule I'm generally not too emotional). This week, though, I've felt very emotional. The two longest days of class (Tues. and today - Thurs.) I came home afterwards and cried.

Its just I'm finding the PhD course very difficult. Around 11am I start to get tremors and some mild waves of the flueyness (my made up word). Then there's still 2 hours to go.

Also, just having the stamina to go for 4 hours is SO difficult having not had to keep a schedule like that for years now....pretty much since 2003.

Maybe disability does make people lazy (more fairly, maybe it's made me lazy). Not HAVING to force myself to push. I was of two minds in June. Either to try to "up" my schedule a bit to prepare, or to rest up and conserve energy for the July push. Although I did all my readings in June, I did tend more towards the "resting up" approach.

I think part of the emotional strain is just the "culture shock" of trying to go from a life of low pressure and lots of isolation to - people, schedule, pressure.

Don't get me wrong....the course, the people and the discussions so far are incredibly interesting, stimulating. My intellectual and social self are enjoying it immensely.

Maybe I'll skip tomorrow.

I thought maybe I could leave early today, but there just didn't seem to be any opening to do so.
During break I REALLY wanted to lay down and looked around. There wasn't anywhere inconspicuous. I thought about going to my car to rest but it was too far to walk there, rest, and walk back.

Oh well, I'll let you know what happens. This is the second day out of four I've come home and wanted to quit.