Just thought I'd share one of my favourite poems

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles
through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting — over and over
announcing your place in the family of things.

It might be alright for the "average" person....

Wow, I overdid it this morning.

At the beginning of the PhD course, I had offered my car up if anyone needed it. Friday morning one woman in my course discussed borrowing it for grocery shopping - no problem.

I can't imagine being stuck on campus, having to grocery shop by bus (which some of them have been doing). Plus, it's not like I use my car much.

In my head I figured I'd go out to breakfast with folks, then loan them my car while I went home and rested.

Unfortunately, it turns out that none of them really drive standard (clutch)...so I just went to market and the grocery store with them. On top of the outing, I ended up doing the driving - which for me, is equal to siphoning the energy out of my body at high-speed. So my little one hour outing turned into THREE!!! when I should have been home resting.

Of course, chicken shit me didn't have the nerve to say something about my limitations. But at the grocery store and the market I found a place to sit down for the whole time, plus I did mention to one woman I have limited energy due to "health issues".

Oh well, at least it's Saturday and not Sunday. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest up.

I know that every person is different and we all have our challenges, but a three hour outing for me is a HUGE challenge and reminds me that I'm just no longer an "average" person (whatever that means).

On the positive side, I did make it through week one of the PhD, missing only 2 hours total. The outing today also gave me the opportunity to get to know a few classmates better.

Emotional

In some ways I'm not really a very emotional person. I try to keep a calm and steady demeanor. I'm very intellectual about most stuff. (Not that I think being emotional or expressing emotion is necessarily a bad thing - it's just as a rule I'm generally not too emotional). This week, though, I've felt very emotional. The two longest days of class (Tues. and today - Thurs.) I came home afterwards and cried.

Its just I'm finding the PhD course very difficult. Around 11am I start to get tremors and some mild waves of the flueyness (my made up word). Then there's still 2 hours to go.

Also, just having the stamina to go for 4 hours is SO difficult having not had to keep a schedule like that for years now....pretty much since 2003.

Maybe disability does make people lazy (more fairly, maybe it's made me lazy). Not HAVING to force myself to push. I was of two minds in June. Either to try to "up" my schedule a bit to prepare, or to rest up and conserve energy for the July push. Although I did all my readings in June, I did tend more towards the "resting up" approach.

I think part of the emotional strain is just the "culture shock" of trying to go from a life of low pressure and lots of isolation to - people, schedule, pressure.

Don't get me wrong....the course, the people and the discussions so far are incredibly interesting, stimulating. My intellectual and social self are enjoying it immensely.

Maybe I'll skip tomorrow.

I thought maybe I could leave early today, but there just didn't seem to be any opening to do so.
During break I REALLY wanted to lay down and looked around. There wasn't anywhere inconspicuous. I thought about going to my car to rest but it was too far to walk there, rest, and walk back.

Oh well, I'll let you know what happens. This is the second day out of four I've come home and wanted to quit.

Looking ahead.....

It's probably not the best idea to try to look too far ahead at this point. Still, after day two of the PhD course I can't help but wonder at the future. In four weeks I'll either have managed it, or not. I'm trying to be positive - using imagery to picture myself having succeeded in completing the four week course.

But after today, I wonder...

It just hit me sitting in class today that this process would be difficult for anyone, let alone someone who's sick and easily fatigued...

I had a kind of epiphany that the amount of time and work involved during this month is a lot and must seem overwhelming, even to a healthy person.

The last hour of class today the waves of illness were washing over me - my chest hurt, lymph nodes in my arms ached, I felt fluey....it was all I could do to not pack up my books and come home....but I stuck it out.

Then I came home.
and collapsed
and thought
What
am
I
doing?
I mean part of me wonders if my lack of stamina is the result of having lived such a low-key life style for the last 5 years - pandering to my illness.

But this is hard
- and despite the fact that I've done almost all the readings,
I still have work to do tonight
but my brain is tired.

River Walk - my need for earth connection

I've always felt a strong connection to the places where I have lived. Sometimes this seems like a good thing, sometimes not. There's something about sitting on a rock, watching a river, listening to the rushing water, the birds, the breeze. I feel part of something bigger. I've always wanted to live in places of natural beauty. When I'm in urban and suburban space for too long, I start to feel claustrophobic. I live in a city now, however there are places of beauty throughout the city as well as surrounding it - rivers, Lake Superior, woods and wildlife.

Today I drove about 5min from my house and took Teagan on a walk along the Current River.
It was beautiful. I should probably spend the whole day resting, preparing for tomorrow but I just felt the need to be in the woods today. I didn't walk far. We went about 5 min. upstream, then forded the river and walked back on the other side. I tried to take photos - including macro images of some of the flowers (the wild roses and bunchberry are in bloom). I felt happy to be out on such a gorgeous day, happy to be alive.

Preparing the Bunker

On Monday I start the PhD course. I feel like I'm preparing a bunker.... I've done most the reading for the course, stocked my fridge and cupboards (in case I'm too tired to get groceries this month - a distinct possibility), paid bills, and done some cleaning and errands. Hopefully, most my focus can go towards the course. It would almost be nice to have someone around to help out with stuff this month; on the other hand, having quiet when I'm home will be an asset.

People take energy - talking, even being on the phone can be draining when I'm having a sick/crash day.

A recent study I read found that for people with M.E./CFS, any activity could cause a crash... it didn't matter if it was perceived as a positive (fun, social, celebration) or a negative one. However, even though some activities drain me physically, sometimes I need to feed my soul - go for a walk in the woods, socialize with friends, whatever. It may cause a crash, but at the same time, enjoyable activities make me happy and help sustain me which I can't help but think is healthy (crash or no crash).