Thoughts on loss

It has been almost four months since my mom passed away.  Sometimes I'm hit with grief, like being punched in the gut, it's sudden and out of the blue, I lose my breath with the pain of it.  Other times it feels like a dull constant ache.  Outside the fact that I miss her, it has made me ponder a lot of things.  For one, very little feels meaningful or important anymore.  Yes, after years and years I finally finished my PhD, but in the big scheme of things (life and death) it seems to matter very little.

Watching my mom die made me realise how limited my own remaining time on earth is, and that I (and everyone) are headed towards the same inevitable end.  What lies beyond death is a good question, and one that I can't begin to make conclusions about. I truly hope death isn't final, but nonetheless, it is clearly some kind of end whether or not something lies beyond.

I am not trying to be morbid, but I think when you lose someone close, you can't help but think about these things.  My world is much emptier without my mom in it.  On the other hand, she turns up multiple times a day in other ways -- when I put on her clothes, for example, or see or do something that makes me think of her, or when my dad calls me by her name "Joey" which he does all the time.  While it's not the same as talking with her (which I do, no I'm not crazy), these constant everyday reminders of her, in a way, keep her alive.

So much has happened in 8 months that I have yet to get my head (or heart) around much of it.  Hopefully time will heal some parts of me that feel very broken.  Everyday I try to go through the motions of doing little things.  It serves to distract me.  But I feel sucked dry emotionally, dead inside.

And as for the M.E. part, I cannot understand how I haven't relapsed form this whole experience.  I've had some pretty horrible crash days, but still, I seem to bounce back to my low level of function.  On that note, I found some short term, flexible, part-time, (from home) editing work for later in the spring which makes me really happy.  For one, I really want to work a little, and second, I'm in pretty desperate straights financially and this little bit of income will be huge.

My dad is settling in still, and seems OK considering.  As he says "I'm 85 years old, I'm an old man".  His house sale closes tomorrow and I've started to get my head around managing some of his financial stuff so the stress has definitely diffused in that area.  Small blessings.

I really miss having the emotional stress relief that came with having counselling sessions through hospice.  I hit on a really great counselor with whom I connected.  And because I was a caregiver it was free!  Since moving here 11 years ago I've tried three people and none of them have been a good fit (not to mention the outing, having to drive across town, the inevitable crash etc. etc.).

For fun, here's a photo of my dad checking out the port …that grain elevator is huge!  He's been enamoured by the prospect of the ice breakers coming in to break up the harbour and then this week, the first ocean going ship arriving in port.