This is a question for us all. And depending on our priorities and loves, the answer may be different. Of course we all need to find a way to meet our basic needs: food, shelter. But beyond that, do we prioritise spending time with friends, family? Do we travel, have new experiences, meet new people, explore culture? Do we try to contribute in some way to the bettering of the planet? Take on a cause, environmental or social?
Having a chronic illness doesn't change this question, at least for me. It just changes the amount of time and energy I have to put towards life. My precious time is, in a lot of ways, incredibly more limited than most people because I spend so much of my days in bed, too exhausted and ill to do more than rest. But when I am not simply resting, what am I choosing to with this very limited time/energy?
This question is spinning round in my head lately, because I am giving my PhD studies one last ditch effort. I have two semesters of funding left. This is not nearly enough to get me to the end of my program (realistically I need two more years at my pace). Unfortunately, I've used up all my medical leave, so I'm going to use the last of the funding and continue to plug away.
It seems absurd. Why would I put my precious hour or two of usable daily time towards planning research I won't complete, that no one will use or read? I'm fairly uninterested in my topic at this point…I think there have been too many stops and starts, I've lost my motivation. I've also limited the potential study more and more in order to make it something I can do from bed (i.e. interviews) rather than something that is important and/or interesting and/or useful.
Why wouldn't I put this precious precious energy towards attempts to interact with humans more (I live in a virtual cave, a very lonely existence)? Or nature art, something I'm passionate about? Why wouldn't I use my 5-10 more decent hours a week to try to earn some money doing something from home…..maybe writing or editing? Great questions, right?
But it is what it is….two more semesters of funding, funding that is exempt according to disability, is nothing to scoff at.
Still, I know I will miss my precious time….to read, to do art. And if working is sending my health south, I'll have to finally quit outright, drop out. On the other hand, once I get going (starting with 15min a day), I know I'll feel less negative about it. I got a lot accomplished last January - June just with an hour or so of work a day.
I had to go to the university today to do some paper work. I was dizzy and off kilter the whole time, lightheaded, trying to focus and feeling drunk….spinny. I thought "there is no way I have the health to participate in the world at present". Sometimes living in my little world at home where I'm out of the house maybe 1-2 hours a week tops, I imagine myself to be more functional than I am. When I do go out, I'm often shocked/surprised, how sick/disabled I am.
I've had a horrible week recovering from travel. I've been so weak, out of breath, beyond exhausted. But I seem to be pulling out a bit…at least that's my hope.
While recovering, I've been enjoying very much being at home, in my own bed. I took some 'selfies' of me and the dog chilling. Mostly, I just wanted to share both how cute, and what great company my friend Teagan can be.
I've also shared (above) two pieces of art, one from last year, and one that I started in 2013, but finished this year. The one of three chickadees doesn't really look enough like a block print for my liking, but it's fun/wintery.
For all those who read this blog, I wish for you a 2014 filled with meaningful moments. Thanks for all your virtual support just by reading this blog, my shout-out to the universe.
Bless you in 2014 with moving forward. In you health, your studies, your art work, your life.
ReplyDeleteThanks Renee, hope you are doing relatively well.
DeleteHi Upnorth. Well, much as we sometimes don't like admitting it, we are all creatures of our culture. And those letters PhD have meaning which at the least signifies a major scholarly accomplishment. If there's even a slight possibility you can get your PhD I believe it's worth putting your other endeavors aside. You have no idea what you may be writing about in the future or where you'll maybe submit an article and those letters pull a lot of weight. You might regret it if you don't give it a try, but I know the sacrifice is so great. This morning I watched the entire Chris Christie news press for the entire two hours, and that's the end of my day to do some good work. But what's going on in the world is a major part of my journals , yet, clutter surrounds my every move and I really must get to the piles of papers and books and clippings but too much energy is expended to move stuff around.. I was thinking at the beginning of this new year that I have to analyze how I do spend my 'up' time and hopefully do better. Well, as usual I'm rambling, but I hope you can give the PhD a a go at it. It's rotten, how much we have to give up to follow one goal. And if you can't finish, well, you gave it all you had considering the M.E. and that's all you can ask of yourself. Hey, I really like those Chickadees, love all the dotted snow, makes the scene so dynamic. from Leah (oh, look at that, it's on top !)
ReplyDeleteYes Leah, I agree it's worth it if I can do it, both physically (mainly) but also keeping the motivation which actually is really hard for most PhD students at this phase, because you are mostly just on your own. I commit myself to a certain time each day, something I know I can probably do even on a really bad day (say 15 min), but I find once I get going I get more motivated and engrossed so I also set a max limit so I don't overdo. Tracking your upright time and maximizing it seems like a good idea/strategy.
DeleteAll the best to you too, Upnorth.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful prints! Love the combination of blue and white!
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