According to Oxford, one definition of identity is:
"the characteristics determining who or what person or thing is."
What is one of the first things you hear when you meet someone new? "What do you do?" People want to know who we are, often by asking about the roles we play. As humans, we have all kinds of identities: mother, father, sister, daughter, friend, but also perhaps athletic, outdoorsy, artistic, musical, spiritual, intellectual, or maybe job related - teacher, computer tech, politician, postal worker, student etc. etc. etc.
My question is, how much are these identities true? Do they actually really say anything about who we really are? Those of us who become disabled early in life (I guess early is realitive), learn that we are not what we do. For example, I wasn't really an outdoor educator, that was just what I did for work, a role I played. I've come to realise over time that the things I do, the roles I play, aren't actually who I am.
When I would lament to my specialist how sad I felt not being able to do anything useful with my life, missing all the things I used to do, and finding little pleasure in what I still could still do because I felt so awful and ill, she would say "we are human beings, not human doings". What exactly does this mean? I've thought about this a lot.
Over the years I've come to realise that while what we do is often influenced by who we really are (our essence, our loves, likes and dislikes, personalities), the two things are not one and the same. We are something more than the things we do, the roles we play.
Making it even more complicated, those of us who have a disabling chronic illness sometimes start to identify with the illness itself. "I am a sick person, I am a person with M.E."
At times, I start to feel like I am nothing more or less than M.E. I wake up in the morning, take a breath, and feel the sickness pulsing through me, there is no escape…M.E. and me have now formed some kind of merged identity. Maybe this is why lots of people use mediation and relaxation, trying to transcend the drudgery of a sick body.
In reality, I am not M.E., just like I am not what I do. But occasionally I have to peel back the layers to find myself, to remember what matters, beneath all the labels, roles, and symptoms.
(Sorry, this wasn't going to be an ontological exploration, but it kind of turned into one, it's just something I've been pondering).
Being outdoors in nature is one way I have found to transcend my identities, myself. I think when I'm out in nature, I realise how connected this whole world is, how interdependent. Being surrounded by other life, I feel part of a large living system, the boundaries of my identity break down, they become blurred.
I've been thinking about summer this week with another spell of temperatures constantly below -20 C and windchills in the -30s and -40s. I love winter but I am realizing some of the barriers to me accessing natural areas in the winter with my level of illness. I miss getting outdoors on occasion.
Not only is it harder to just go and sit in the woods in these temps, but my favourite nearby urban wilderness is inaccessible for me as the parking area is not plowed. It would take everything I have on a good day to walk across the parking lot (it's pretty large), so there is no way I can get to my nearby creek and woods. I've been wracking my brains for a local space where I could go on a good day and get into the woods (including dog off-leash).
One option would be to walk on the lake (it's frozen, flat, and very solid in areas this time of year), but I crash hard every time I drive to these spots. For some reason, I always crash harder from outings if they include me driving more than 10 min total (I crash from the outing anyways sometimes, but adding more than 10 min of driving makes it a sure thing).
Sorry my blog posting is more sporadic these days. Once I'm done my PhD work session each morning, I don't have the mental energy to want to write or be online as much.
So I'm asking myself how do I transcend my 'sick' identity. Tho I'm always working on family photos albums, organizing older photos,. that's what I do, but the question you put is what do we do to transcend these roles such as family historian. Strange as this might sound I watch the news a lot and for me it expands my vision beyond my small life to the entire world. I feel the same when reading certain biographies or histories about an artist or poet or writer, for example May Sarton, Frida Kahlo, Etty Hillesum (whom I just discovered), Madeleine L'Engle. It's the connection to some intangible something larger than myself, as you feel with nature, brings me into the universal human condition, I never really know what book will be transcending and what will be just a great read or escape and there's nothing wrong with that either, but some books really speak to my being, my core. . I can say the same for art but getting to an art museum is kind of like you getting into the woods, just so difficult. Thanks Upnorth for that deep thinking. From Leah
ReplyDeleteCool about you being the family historian….I don't think I was trying to say even that roles or identities are bad, just more thinking about whether they are really us at the core….and what it means when we can play so few roles. I totally agree about books being a great way to transcend, at least to some degree. I love getting lost in the stories of other people. Art too, as you say, but much harder when you can't go out. Have you ever tried just looking up art online? It's one way I learn about printmaking, I just google it on google photos or pinterest and look at artists renditions of things….kindof fun.
Deletei always have identity problem. i was defined as artist but it was my life time goal to change that identity. at the time i was ready, i stumbled into chronic health condition, which once made me felt like my life was a complete waste. now, looking back, i understand that who i am is simply who i think i am, not how people label me. and how much we accomplish is also a relative matter that depend on our "condition".
ReplyDeleteExactly Yun Yi, who we are is much more than identity (whether it's one we take on ourselves, or one that others label us with). I think, espcially for those of us who are ill and limited by lack of health/energy, it's about finding meaning in life through very small things.
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