I have stomach ulcers again, I'm sure of it. The exact same pain. A month ago when I went to a walk-in for my UTI (bladder) infection, the Dr. also gave me PPI's for ulcers because I knew back then I had them. My one experience with PPIs wasn't great, so I've been putting off taking them trying to get rid of the ulcers with my Ranitidine but no luck. So I am biting the bullet and trying the PPIs.
Otherwise my life has been very dull. I spend most my time alone (but at least with the dog) and the majority of the day on the couch or to be honest, for the most part in bed. I get up a few times a day and walk around the gardens, pulling a few weeds. Some days I do the dishes, and I did sit up for a few hours over the last week to do some art, but that's pretty much it.
People who aren't sick can't imagine it. They say "oh you've been doing quite a bit". I have no idea what they are talking about??!!! I'm sure if a 'well' person spent 3 days 'doing' what I do, they would start to loose their mind.
If, for example I counted the number of hours my roommate is 'upright' sitting or standing, it would be 12-14 minimum. How can that compare at all to 1-3? And 3 is a really good day for me.
I feel like giving up on people altogether sometimes. I can't keep up with their lives even a bit, and I have nothing to tell them/talk about because all I do is lay around all day.
I really don't find my life fulfilling at all. I'm lonely, but when I'm social I crash. I'm bored, but when I do stuff I crash. I live the life of an 80 year old except worse. My Dad's 82 and does WAY MORE than me.
I'm just really disappointed. Is this it? Is this all there is for me? I have no partner, no kids, almost no friends...in fact there is no one locally besides my roommate who I would consider a friend. I made some 'friends' while I was doing my Masters but they have all since moved. I made a few small efforts this spring to connect with some people, but it's just so hard when I'm so rarely well enough to go out.
Sometimes I want to just push myself for a few weeks and try to 'keep up' in the real world. But I know what will happen. I'll relapse and then I become an emotional puddle because I'm so so sick and exhausted. But I just have so little to live for right now.
How do us sickies find any balance??? How do we create any kind of life when we are sick in bed most the time? And maybe the real question is, one that everyone must contemplate, is how do we find joy and fulfillment with what we do have rather than thinking it is around the corner or will come "if only we could......." fill in the blank "be healthy, be social, get a better job, have more money, live somewhere else, meet someone, travel, go back to school, find a cure, etc."
On that note, I'm going to post a few pictures of 'getting out' from last summer because it was such an amazing experience lying out on wilderness rocks and beaches experiencing beautiful Lake Superior.
Also, a photo of a block print I printed up over the last week or so....one that was already carved.
Some gorgeous photos. Really is lake "Superior"!
ReplyDeleteI really know how you feel. People don't know how we look like inside house. They saw we walk outside, "doing" things so they judge by what they see. It is unfair.
But still, I do hope you stop pushing yourself (completely). Acceptance might be the best or the only way to get out, eventually. We all have nothing to prove ourselves, because what we've been through was already a giant achievement. One day people will understand.
Good luck with your "normal" days.
I just thought a couple of things:
ReplyDeleteDo you drink cold water like most other western people do? Since you have stomach problem, it might be better if you drink warm water; also, probably any cold foods, or raw foods (include vegs) would be harmful.
I wonder what do you put on the top of your mattress? I know most westerner only put one thin sheet on top of mattress. It not good for weak people who are not good at dealing with coldness humidity. Once I had back pain, I didn't know it was my bed. And later I add lots of stuff (like blankets, comforts, etc., made it like up to two inch thick), my back pain and arthritis were immediately alleviated.
Not sure if they fit your situation, but just in case.
Yun Yi, that's interesting about the water. I've heard that but always wondered why. I drink room temp. water except in the summer where I love the cold water, maybe I'll switch and see if it makes any difference.
DeleteSorry to hear you haven't been feeling too good, I hope you are back to 'normal' soon x Hayley-Eszti
ReplyDeletewww.hayleyeszti.blogspot.co.uk
Thanks Hayley, I hope so too. It's misserable living like this.
DeleteHi Upnorth, I read your post many times. And I appreciate your honesty, openness and simply telling it like it is. I really need to hear that I'm not alone. My heart goes out to you, but I have few suggestions. I live with huge regrets that I've never travelled much. Oh, those photos are beautiful, especially that middle one, like a dream. But sometimes something unexpected pops up for example I recently read Sea Trails by Pris Campbell, poetry (and I don't read much poetry) about her sailing trip in 1977 and maps and journal type entries, it's a slim book. Then to my shock at the end she states that she now has had CFS for years, could never do that adventure now---So many of us tucked away in our isolated worlds, it's overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteOh to Yun Yi, hi, I sleep, spend a lot of the day, on an almost 4 inch foam topper over the mattress. It sure helps.
I have discovered Google Maps street view and sometimes go up and down street views of famous cities, sight seeing. It's a strange life we live ! Sad and rotten. Well, I just wanted you to know Upnorth that I read you post and
try not to underestimate the art work you do, it is meaningful and beautiful and I know that you have to drag yourself over to your art table or wherever you work and that is an accomplishment. It's like we have to wear blinders like horses (hmmm I don't really like that comparison, but anyway)and only focus on our little world, because once we start to compare our lives with healthies we're emotionally sunk. from Leah
Hi Leah, thanks for your kind words. It is hard not to compare. And for me it's not just comparing to others but to what I expect or more what I had hoped for myself. It is a journey isn't it, trying to figure out all this stuff. A 4 inch topper sounds nice. I just have two cheap foam pads I add to my mattress. I love the idea of 'traveling via Google Maps'!!!! how cool. I do similar with Google earth. I travel the shoreline of lake Superior looking at the coast - rocks and beaches etc. and dreaming.
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