Depression and Chronic Illness

As you could probably tell from my last post, I'm feeling depressed about my life.  I am feeling disappointment for all the things I've both lost and missed along the way due to having a disabling chronic illness.

I realize it's best to think about what I do have, what I can do.  I know things could be worse. Really, I do. Still, I also don't think it works/help to repress it all.  For me anyways, it's a process of mourning, coming to a good place, then mourning it all over again when something triggers the sadness and feelings of loss again.

I've had a little better week, but still pretty bad.  I'm dealing with some major intestinal illness again and getting medical help around here in this system is almost impossible.  I now have two referrals to gastroenterologists and have yet to receive an appointment slip.  In fact, it may take a year to even get in to see someone again.

I have done a lot of thinking over the last two weeks about my PhD and where that is headed.  I've decided to take the rest of the summer off unless I get super inspired.  Then, I am going to meet both my committee members in person before I start rewriting anything.  I think it will help to just have nice conversations in a comfortable environment and really get a sense for what changes they want/hope for.  Then, I am going to stick it out through the fall, if only for the grant money.  I feel some guilt around this, but before I jump back onto the poverty train, I want a fall to prepare.  And to appease my guilt, I will do some rewriting during the fall at my own pace/ability.

Now as for the rest of the summer, for one, I am taking me and the dog camping.  I think I have a ride worked out and it will be good to lie in a different space for a change.  Fingers crossed for me please that I manage this outing.  I am nervous, but realise I managed it last summer and more positive than negative came from the experience.  All I have to do once I get there is lay/nap/rest/read in a different space.

I do worry about the copious amounts of time I spend alone, and this will just be another week by myself feeling sick somewhere different.  But I think it will be 'healing' in a spiritual sense even if not in a physical one if that makes sense? And it will do me some good to be unplugged for a week if nothing else.

Here's a photo of the dog for fun.