Wanting to run away

Since that short camping trip in August I've been hoping to get away again. My plan is to have my canoe pack ready so I can just up and go if I have a few days and a window of energy. I'll rent the lightest boat I can, and head off into the woods/bush.

Is this beyond my abilities?

Yes and no.

I think I could manage it if I could just get out of bed (hahaha). I certainly have the knowledge to be out and safe on my own with 8 years as a year-round guide under my belt...although that was a long while ago now.

I've been crashed all week. I've had some OK hours here and there, but mostly I've just been laying in bed. If I have a decent moment, I do something small like: doing the dishes sitting on my stool, have a shower, check the gardens...

It really is a miserable existence not only because the fatigue is all-encompassing and overwhelming but I feel so terribly ill and fluey on top of it. The malaise, chest ache, and sore throat are at times unbearable. I'm always worse from about 1pm through 6pm where I lay in bed thinking - I really can't stand living like this for another single day.

I'm also struggling socially. I don't feel up to being around people (physically or mentally) and yet I'm never alone at home anymore - one of my housemates has been off work for four months now. For some reason on top of feeling physically bad, all of my interactions at home recently, end with me feeling really bad about myself as a person as well. I'm not blaming anyone here. I take complete responsibility for my emotions and behaviours, but I'm desperate for a long retreat AWAY.

I feel so trapped. Trapped in this sick body, trapped in this house, in this room, in this bed.

When it comes down to it, I'm in an awful funk. I think getting out in the woods would help and yet I can't "take a vacation" because I'm just too ill.

I went out (of the house) last Tues to help a classmate with some work and was so crashed that from Wed. - Friday I quite literally felt like I was dying.



I also went out Friday night to a wolf talk at a local park. Some friends drove. It was so nice to escape these four walls. The programme was at night and it ended with a wolf howl (to get the nearby pack to howl back). While the only howls returned were those of local campers, the stars were amazing. I hadn't seen stars like that for almost two years and sitting on the beach looking up was wonderful.

So now I have to pay for that 4 to 5 hour outing for how many days???? Sigh.

I wish I were more of a homebody, content to sit back and enjoy some simple low energy activities. I do love to read, and that really is a saving grace at times.

I believe I'm making myself sicker by pushing myself out of the house every time I can manage it. On the other hand, when I'm not pushing myself to get out, here at home I'm getting cabin fever and increased depression like you wouldn't believe.

So I'm going to continue to pack for my canoe trip and hope that either (a) it comes to fruition even if I pay the price for a year, or (b) keeps me distracted and dreaming in the mean time. For example, once again last night I was in bed looking at maps and canoe routes (smile).