Illness and self-confidence

Yesterday I found out I won an award. It's a two year PhD research fellowship from the Canadian government organization SSHRC (which stands for the Social Science and Humanities Research Council of Canada).

Of course I'm very happy. Honoured. Exited. Any way you look at it, it's a good thing.

In some ways it solves some of my issues. It's enough money to both pay tuition and live on. (Live on just, but most of us who have been scrounging and getting by on social assistance know how to live the frugal life).

I'm not sure if I will be removed from social assistance as a result, I have yet to make that call-but either way, I'm going to take the fellowship.

If I loose my social assistance and am still not well enough to make a living in 3 years, I'll just have to apply again. In the mean time, it will feel good not to be living off the government (although this is a government fellowship? hmmm).

And if I don't loose the social assistance, I'll be living above the poverty line!!!!!!

It also means I won't have to do a graduate assistantship this year. Although I've rarely had to work even near the 10 hrs a week required, the few hours I have worked will go towards PhD progress instead.

After getting the letter yesterday, phoning and emailing some people with the news, I realized I felt sick and needed to rest. Funny, getting a SSHRC didn't change the fact that I still have M.E and am sick.

In some ways I feel very undeserving of this award. Spending at least 70% of my day lying down, rarely leaving the house, feeling like I don't contribute much to society...it often makes me feel worthless.

Having spent a long winter mostly in bed, and for the most part house-bound, I find my self-confidence and self-worth is even lower than usual. Which makes it even harder to get my head around the fact that with all the amazing people I've met who are pursuing graduate studies, I'm given a fellowship???!!!! Like I said, it's hard to get my head around.

My plan: For the time being, continue with the PhD (instead of dropping out). However, I will continue to work only enough that I don't induce crashes. I will continue to work mostly at home and in bed.

I love that quotation, "the journey of a 1 000 miles begins with a single step". I will continue to take small, sometimes infinitesimal steps within the boundaries of the illness....and for now that's my plan.


HEALTH UPDATE: I'm tolerating the anti viral VALTREX well. Some minor headaches and digestive issues, but nothing unbearable. I'm up to 1 000 mg a day. I'll stay at this dose for the time being. However, I haven't seen much change in my viral symptoms. Sore throats, painful lymph glands, and low grade fevers continue, along with that feeling of illness and the chest-ache.