Making choices with an illness that fluctuates....

I find that I'm struggling with my choices lately. Since the move, I really haven't had a crash (until today). I've had some hours of feeling ill and tired, but nothing significant. And over the last eight or nine days I've pushed myself lots. First with the move (which was unavoidable), then prepping class and going out Sunday night to see a short film, then teaching Monday afternoon. Yesterday we sat around here most the day, although we did go get my canoe (which was at my dissertation advisor's house - she's lives on a lake not too far from here).

When I push myself and succeed, it makes me wonder if I'm generally too cautious. For example, how will I know if I'm getting better if I don't ever test my limits? However, crashes and relapses can be terrible. I had a two week one in the late summer/early fall that was pretty bad, for example. And I know of many people with the illness that have made almost a full recovery only to overdo it and end up bed-bound.

So how do I make good choices? How do I subvert my instinct to both get lots done and enjoy life to the fullest on my good days?

These are questions that after seven years I still cannot answer.

When I'm having a fairly good patch, I so easily forget the suffering - even if it was only yesterday.

I woke up today and quickly realized I was crashed. Yesterday my energy was still fairly decent but my throat and throat lymph nodes were sore and swollen. Since there is a nasty cold going around, all day I was wondering if I had the cold or whether it was the M.E.? Perhaps I should have taken it a little easier yesterday when I got the sore throat. Often a worsening of my sore throat is a warning sign or precursor to a crash.

Crash aside, I'm still enjoying the lake...In some ways I'd be happy to stay here long term although I know it's not practical. For example, Sue has been shuttling me to town two days a week (eventually she'll have a job and commitments). So I'm going to soak in life on the lake while I have it. The birch leaves as they go from green, to yellow, to gold; the crisp early morning frosts; the mist on the lake each morning, and the blue sky and grey clouds reflected on it's surface each the day.