(Case in point: I'm just pulling out of a crash caused by a 3 hour outing last Saturday).
In preparation, I thought I'd do all the readings ahead of time. So far I'm on track. The course starts in just over a week, there are 32 required readings and/or chapters, and I've completed all but seven.
It's interesting people's reactions to my attempt of this PhD. Most people seem to think I should be able to manage it, which to me, is pretty funny. It points to two possible points of view:
- Either people don't realize how sick/functionally disabled I am (which in all fairness is possible due to the fact that I live alone and when I'm out of the house and social I'm usually having a good day or some good hours - people don't see the days it takes me to recover or the days where I'm too sick to leave the house or my bed)
- Or people believe managing to attend the PhD course is a motivational issue (rather than a disability/physical illness one).
The reality is, since becoming sick seven years ago I have attempted to go back to work three times. In every single instance, within three weeks I was MUCH worse off and barely able to do more than lay in bed for weeks, months.
So why am I even attempting this? Well, if I can manage the one month push, then during the year, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to manage the schedule. I can do most of my work (reading, writing, etc.) from home and even in bed if necessary. I know I am capable of this because this is how I managed to complete the Masters...mostly from home - much of it in bed.
However, given my illness quotient this past week (very sick, weak), I won't even make it through one day of class.
While on the one hand, I really want to be able to do this PhD, on the other hand, there is a limit to how much I want to sacrifice. For example, if I'm "crashing" really hard, it's possible I could relapse and be in bed for months (years?) and that's just not worth it to me.
I also find that having to endure feeling ill for seven years (imagine having what feels like influenza or Mono for seven years), my illness tolerance has gone down. So if I'm starting to feel really ill during the course, I'm pretty sure I won't "push through" or endure it for long before listening to my body if it's telling me I've taken on too much.
We live in a culture that tells us to be ill is to be weak. We are taught to value toughness, perseverance. When people are poor, disabled, unemployed, whatever, we are socialized to think this is an individual fault or flaw - lack of character, laziness. I mean just look at how people try to stamp an individual, behaviourist cause on chronic illnesses. "I wouldn't get ________ because I - whatever - eat well, exercise, don't get stressed, push though."
One thing I've learnt both through reading about oppression, critical pedagogy and also through having this illness, is that our culture always seems to want to blame the individual for many things that are societal, cultural or environmental. (I know I'm ranting.....but it's true). I think these delusions "I'd never be on welfare", "I'd never get that illness", "that person's lazy" that points a finger at individual behaviour helps us feel less afraid that there are things beyond our personal control. Also, it keeps people from having to look at and act on the true societal or environmental causes or our problems.
To summarize this blog:
- I'm worried I won't manage this course
- I'm worried I'll relapse considerably
- I'm motivated/want to succeed and manage it
- I'm angry about the way our society perceives and treats people with chronic illness.
- I'm going to listen to my body during this upcoming experience and do what I know is right rather than buying into other people's perceptions and/or societal "stories" that will ultimately hurt me.
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