I've been going for short walks, taking the dogs swimming, and taking my dad on short outings. (I've also been on vacation and avoiding working on my next online course.)
Some days, though, I feel just horrible. This is one of those days. I can point to at least three things I've done in the last couple days that might have caused this crash.
It's clear to me I will never learn. I will over-do and over-do til the end. If you don't have M.E., one thing that's really tough for some of us with either mild or moderate severity is that sometimes when we're doing an activity (shopping, taking on the phone, cooking etc.), we don't feel too badly, so it's hard not to keep going. In other words, to avoid crashes I can't always listen to my body in the moment (e.g. this activity is making me feel awful) because crashes are very often delayed.
For instance, the friend I walked with two days ago probably thinks I'm fine because she doesn't see that it's 36 hours later where I'm curled into a ball on the sofa crying due to the flu symptoms, ache, weakness and utter fatigue.
On the other hand, I certainly know at this point around where that threshold is. So ideally, I should be more careful to avoid the over-do, given how horrible crashing is.
I crashed yesterday but still did too much. Today I can barely walk, my legs are so weak and shaky. My body aches, my joints included. I feel viral and icky. To be quite honest, I wish my life were done. I know this feeling won't last once I bounce back, but right now I don't want to even take another breath (which makes the ache worse). Being in this sick, weak, viral body for almost 17 years is just too much, I don't want to do it another minute.
So I'm here to vent. This is when some better emotional coping tools would help. I have a few, but am often left feeling alone, desperate, and depressed when I'm crashed or relapsed. One technique I use is to remind myself that the worst of this doesn't last - I always bounce back. And while not necessarily a coping tool, I also try to use something like reading or a movie to distract myself. These are also the days where I regret puppy. She needs exercise and I just can't.
Speaking of puppy, a few weeks ago she learned to swim. So here is a video of one of her first ever swims.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI hear you about the never learning part. I am exactly the same way and it is so frustrating once the crash happens. I will be feeling fairly well and it feels so great to be doing something that I want to keep going. My husband will say, "you'd better stop because you don't want to over do it" but I keep going only to end up crashed the next day or day after. I've often asked myself, "why haven't you learned? " Then I beat myself up because my husband seems to know more about my limits than I do. :/
ReplyDeleteI think though, it's more the taste of freedom, I'm enjoying. Like a horse that breaks out of the barn and gets to run free for a bit. Just as it loves the taste of freedom, I (we?) love that feeling of being able 'to do' something...anything.
Loved the video of your puppy swimming!