Feelings of Mortality

Sometimes life seems to go by so slowly.  It's like I have all the time in the world: for my health to improve so I can do more, to get ready for my fall course, to spend time with family or important friends, to go on another camping trip, or even for another summer swim.

After I got back from camping, the next weekend was the big dog event in the city.  We went for one morning and had a wonderful time.

That night I heard my aunt Laura (my dad's sister) had taken a turn for the worse. Monday morning, Aug. 21st she died. Just when I thought I had a week or two with nothing big scheduled I was in a quandary.  I had always planned to go the the funeral- she was like my grandma.  She put me up for 6 mo during the first years I was ill and had no where to go.  She never had kids, so was "adopted" by a few families of my cousins.  Growing up she was there every Birthday and holiday I can remember. She lived down the road so I saw her often.  In fact, she used to take me out driving when I was struggling to learn to drive as a young adult.  The memories of times with her are endless....

So I did end up taking my dad down for the funeral. I won't go into details, but one of my brothers lives in the same city and was turning fifty that week so we got to see him, and one of my other brothers drove out from Ottawa. Of course even the two hour flight and all the details to get my dad and I there kicked my butt.

However, it was cathartic to see so many of my cousins and to see 2 of my brothers and to sit and talk about my aunt, sharing memories.  She was ready to go, she had been saying so for quite a few years.  She had a strong faith that death isn't the end and it was time - she would have turned 90 in October.

Being down in the community where I grew up, brought back a lot of memories of my time taking care of my mom.  I feel like in a way I was doing more grieving for my mom than my Aunt. Not only that, but the news about my Aunt came within a day of the anniversary of hearing my mom was in the hospital and flying down to help her and my dad two years ago.

So here I am back home recovering.

Not surprisingly the M.E. seems to have taken a turn for the worse.  I have definitely been pushing things this summer.  My throat is sore pretty much all the time (in fact I thought I had strept the night of the funeral is was so painful and swollen).  My axillary lymph nodes (arm pit ones) are painful enough that my clothing hurts.  Not to mention the fatigue, weakness, and dizzy/lightheaded spells.

I feel like (partly because I've been so busy) that life is flying by too quickly.  That summer's almost over and I didn't get anything accomplished.

In the bigger scheme of things, I feel that here I am in the second half of my forties and I've missed most my adulthood lying in bed.  There's a kind of panic that I need to live as much life as I can despite M.E. On the other hand, my hands are tied to a degree because when I attempt to push it to do more stuff, I get sicker.  I guess there are just no words to explain/describe how sick activity makes me (makes all of us with M.E.).  For me, it's very much like a virus made worse by activity, but a virus that completely depletes my body's ability to produce energy.

To boot, my dad did his driving assessment last week and they gave him a clear fail.  They said he made multiple errors and is no longer safe to drive.  He is definitely angry and grieving this news.  Technically he still has his licence, the report has been sent to the Dr. I told him that this week he could "carefully" drive just around the neighbourhood.

Unfortunately for me this wrench means I will have to drive him even more than I already have been and what sucks is that driving is one of the key activities that causes me to crash.  This is unfortunate.  However, mostly I'm feeling empathy and sadness for my father who now has to give up another piece of his life, his independence.  My mom used to say "getting old is no fun" - clearly this seems to be the case.

I wish life would slow down.  I feel like in the blink of an eye it will be my time to go, to die.

My native plants garden is attracting load of bees this year.