I'm exhausted

I had a fairly relaxing uneventful Christmas, which was nice.
We did a meal with my dad, and Christmas Eve I set up an online church service for him so he could "attend" his old church.

Since Christmas, I've been getting ready for the course I'm teaching online this winter, I'm feeling close to being ready, and I love having something to do that feels productive and will earn me a little money.

However, in general, I'm finding a lot of things exhausting. For one, I've had problems with my right shoulder for quite a few years. It hurts at night in bed and sometimes I wake up and the pain lingers.  A few weeks ago it also became an issue with my left shoulder, leaving me no side comfortable enough to sleep on (and subsequent insomnia).  One day the week before Christmas I woke up in so much pain I was at a loss.  A friend who is a massage therapist saved me and squeezed me in for a session which helped.  She said one muscle was in complete spasm.

Since then, while it isn't as bad as it was for a couple nights there, the pain and sleeping issues remain.
I will eventually (I guess) have to figure out what is going on, as I can't afford another massage.

So I've been sleeping fairly poorly, and also feeling a bit depressed.  It's just that often my world feels empty without my mom in it.  I don't miss her every minute but daily things make me think about her, and the holidays have left me feeling an aching longing.

Also, because I've been sick for so long, I feel as if my life has meant very little these past 14 years.  I'm tired of not being able to do most of what I want to do.  I'm tired, literally tired, of feeling so drained and weak and exhausted.  I'm tired of being so poor.  Yes, I know it could be a lot worse, but sometimes I just wish I had a little more.  As it stands, every cent goes to paying the bills and I'm left wondering how I'll manage it again next month.  And how will I when EVERYTHING goes up year after year (property taxes, hydro, water and sewer, gas, cost of food) except my disability check?

I'm also feeling exhausted by social media.  A constant barrage of people posting about political stuff and/or world crises, or on the other hand, post after post by people I barely know showing them out doing activities with friends and family, honestly I'm jealous.  Alternatively, in my M.E. group, so many people are in such rough shape and struggling right now, I'm just fatigued by it all, it's too much.  I'm considering just taking a break from social media.

So on this depressing note, a new year approaches.  I want to make the most of it, continue to work a little part time if I can swing another contract or two, create some art, and this summer may be my final one to do agility with my dog (she'll be 9!).  I have been sporadic and yet persistent in participating in this activity and it's been extremely challenging (at times ridiculous) to work within the physical limits placed on me by M.E. and POTS, but I refuse to give up something else I love...I will try to eek out ways and moments to do agility one final summer.

Back to the "feeling stuff", sometimes I think I'm too sensitive for this world.  I "feel" things so deeply.  Joy yes, excitement and happiness, yes, but also deep and overwhelming sorrow, sadness.  Empathy can take me down.  Loneliness too.  I try to be tough, but I'm just not.  I think being ill and having a lot of time on my hands where I'm just resting doesn't help.  A month or two ago I saw this YouTube with Mayim Bialik and you might appreciate it if you are one of those people who like me, feels things deeply: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBv6uFB-lOI

Maybe being sensitive is a super power?!