Surprise!

Warning, very vent-ful frustrated post.
Surprise, after saying I wouldn't be able to post for a while, here I am.  I definitely need to vent.

I am at my dad's very very slowly going through stuff.  While there were some offers of help, I've maybe had an hour of help with packing in total.  I think the reality is either I hire someone, or it will pretty much fall to me.

Some of it is very sad. On Sunday, for example, I went through the Christmas stuff.  Years of memories (ornaments and keepsakes) and with a lot of it, I wasn't sure what was especially special or sentimental or why.  Plus no-one in my family really wants anything.  My brother who lives out west and wasn't very close with my parents took what he wanted already.  I have two disabled brothers.  One is too badly off to show any interest in anything, the other one came over and together we picked out a few things for him, but they didn't even fill a box.  My dad can't remember and when I ask his opinion on anything he says "I don't know" or "I don't care".  It's strange that I have four living family members but no one else who is able or willing to go through stuff, or seems to care about any of it.  It helps me understand some of my mom's deep sadness.

I've been here a week and my skin crawls sometimes at the situation.  I feel desperate to get the heck out of here.  I think I will continue to work over the month, but if I have to, will just leave this house partially packed and unsold.  I will desert my dad too, if things don't fall into place, as awful as that sounds.  I don't know who it will fall to to deal - the bank? A social worker?

The plan was that we would sell his house and he would move north to a retirement home down the street from me.  But my mom and him were very very much hoping to sell their home in their church (they live in a church community).  However, no-one has shown any serious interest in buying the house and honestly, I just don't think I'm up to figuring it all out on top of executor tasks (that still constitute a pile of to-dos, and packing, and moving my dad).  Not to mention, I need to turn the edits on my dissertation around in the next two weeks and they are significant.

I can't go on like this much longer for my own mental and physical health.  I find I hate myself, hate my life, and hate everyone around me.  Most the time my dad drives me insane the way he follows me around, listens in on any conversation I have, and does almost nothing independently.  I know it's that his brain is not working properly, but I am obviously not the person to be his care giver, I'm close to the edge.  It's not that I don't love him, I just can't cope with him day in, day out.  I feel like I can't deal with him for another day let alone another month plus!*&%$$

I started taking St. John's Wort about a month ago knowing I would need something to cope with the next few months.  The problem with these things, is it's so hard to tell if they are making a difference.  Am I less depressed than I would have been had I not been taking it?  I've barely shed a tear since I've been back here, but I think that is more that I'm just too frustrated and overwhelmed to actually feel any other kind of emotion, let alone grief.  I just know that something is going to give soon.

Finally, as a spoonie, I'm sure my fellow spoonies can "get" what it means to try to do all this while sick.  People around here don't seem to think my health problems are any more than being tired or depressed or needing to put my feet up.  And I've even had comments about the fact that of course I can just tough it out if I need to.