Being a "Gracious Receiver"

When you are sick, it seems there is a greater need to depend on others.

Let me first say that I am a "fiercely" independent person.  I like to do things for myself.  I love the feeling of being self-sufficient and strong.  I have been this way as long as I can remember.  As a young adult I don't remember anything more exciting and satisfying than packing my car and heading out on the road to whatever the new adventure was (new job, new rock climbing or canoeing or backpacking trip, university).

On a similar vein, I also hated when (especially older) men would assume I couldn't help with a physical task.  One of the phrases I detested the most as a young person was "can I get some strong male arms to help with....."  I grew up in a fairly conservative community and this was sometimes a daily expression, one that seriously angered me.

For one, there are plenty of strong women out there as well as plenty of less strong men.  And what could encourage young women not to engage their physical selves more than hearing that over and over?

One thing I did as a wilderness instructor was to avoid these gender stereotypes (as well as discuss them with groups).  The female students on expeditions were taught and expected to do all the same tasks (portaging a canoe, fire building, navigation, cooking, sawing and chopping wood) as the male youth.

In fact, I remember coming across an all-male group one time on a canoe trip where the young men were complaining and carrying on about how hard canoe travel was (paddling and carrying packs and canoes all day, the bugs, the weather etc.).   It just happened when we met them that the 15 and 16 year old female students in my group were carrying the canoes on that portage (in a practiced and skilled manner after a couple weeks out no less) and their mouths dropped wide open as they watched.  It was fun to watch their reactions to seeing that these young women were perfectly capable physically when given the chance.

I saw time after time not only young women understanding how strong and capable they were (and gaining self confidence from it) but also the young men changing how they thought about the physical capabilities of women.

But what's the other side to this story?  While it's great to gain self-confidence and self-esteem by feeling capable, what do you learn when your aren't physically strong or capable?

When you are sick and to some degree disabled, if you want to get things done, you often have to swallow your pride and ask for help.  The longer I've been sick, the better I've been at accepting that there are things I either just can't do, or else can't do without help unless I want to endure an increase in suffering.

One great example is grocery shopping or almost any shopping.  I can force myself to do it on a good day, but it is rare that I do it and don't crash 36 hrs afterwards.  It is rare that I can stand in a line without feeling dizzy and fluey and terribly ill (I don't know how else to put it).  So I have learnt to accept help (probably not always graciously).

After years of encouraging young people to see how capable they are, helping them to build self esteem and self confidence, I often feel my own slowly diminishing away over time as I need help with tasks that seem very small.

This past week I went to the art studio where I print my block prints.  I had two friends along and one of them helped me immensely with the printing process.  I think it is the first time I have printed at the studio without being reduced to tears of exhaustion and frustration at some point.  For one, on the whole, my health held out.  I had two afternoons where I wanted to sink into the bed and die I felt so sick afterwards, but I still managed to get to the studio each day and work on stuff.

The point I'm making in this long post is that with help, I was able to accomplish some prints that I'm quite happy with.  And I never could have done it alone.  First, if I had driven myself to the studio, I would have been too crashed to print (even riding in the car the first day I had tremors/internal buzzing for hours afterwards).  While at the studio, I had someone bringing me food and coffee, inking my blocks, and cleaning the blocks and bayers afterwards.

So while I believe independence can give us a sense of self-worth and self-confidence, learning to accept help can also have rewards.  In this case I had company while printing which in and of itself was  fun.  And while I felt selfish that those days were kind of about me and my art, I'm also happy that I accomplished so much (4 prints in total).

When I first had mono (about 6 months in) and my world was initially crashing down around me, I went for some counselling.  One of the things I was struggling with was that I couldn't do anything (I still struggle with this).

The counsellor I saw said that I was one of these busy people that filled every minute.  I was used to being capable and doing for others.  However, she explained that maybe being sick could be a chance for me to let others do stuff for me.  And more importantly, she pointed out that I could learn to be "a gracious receiver".  She said that when we are gracious in our receiving, we are giving a gift back--because who really wants to help someone who is all ungrateful and cranky?

I think that woman was wise.  Those words have stuck with me for ten years. And not that I do a good job of being a gracious receiver, but I do try.  Because she was right.  Giving and receiving is a two-way street.  And that's something I'd never really thought about as a young adult.  And now, when I get to know someone, or observe interactions in those I do know, I am more aware when I notice someone being a skilled receiver.

The other very wise idea that councelor shared with me was the idea of small gifts.  She observed that I wanted to make a big difference in the world (at the time I was involved in an expedition that would raise scholarship money for youth), but she encouraged me to see how important small gifts were.  For example, I may not be well enough to work, or cross the arctic by ski and dog team, but I could do the dishes, or write someone I loved a letter.

The point of this post isn't to say I AM a gracious receiver, more that I see the importance of it.  Also, that I no longer put independence and physical strength on a pedestal the way I once did. I realize that every individual is tied to all those others in our community no matter how independent or self-sufficient we think we are. (That being said, more than anything, I would like to be more independent and self-sufficient again).

But most of all, at this moment as I lie in bed crashed and ill from my printmaking, I am feeling very grateful to my friends J and S who helped make it happen.  I'm posting two of the prints we worked on.  One will be framed in panorama style with a dark matte, the other is inspired by my camping in August.