Questioning my decisions....

Improving finally........

I've been doing a little better the last two days. The weather has been beautiful too, so I've left the house for about two hours both yesterday and the day before. Since the effects of activity usually take about 36 hours to hit me, I'm wondering if I'll be "punished"?

Why do I always do this? As soon as I feel somewhat better, why do I go out and potentially "blow it?" This crash lasted about 10 days and as soon as I got a good day, I went out and was active. (By active I mean leaving the house, not laying in bed or on the couch, I don't mean active as defined by a "well" person). It's so hard to hold back, especially when I've been so isolated, bored, and stir-crazy.

ON THE PhD.......

On another note, I'm considering dropping out of the PhD. It's not so much the work load (as I haven't been working at all the last two weeks). It's more of a motivational thing. I just can't seem to find a topic I'm interested in enough to feel inspired. My area is in humane and environmental education. I'm especially interested in human relationships with other animals and with the natural world. But I just can't hone in on a topic enough to get excited and to fill out these grant applications.

Maybe this crash helped lead to my lack of motivation. I'm sure my busy summer, most specifically the intensive July course, did contribute to the crash....

I've also been feeling guilty about being on disability while being a student. Not that I'm well enough to earn a living - I'm not there yet. However, last year when I worked small contracts I was able to contribute to my living costs and decrease my disability payments (in Ontario they minus 1/2 of what you earn from your monthly check).

But one of the pros I saw in getting a PhD was that with a PhD, even if I wasn't well, I might be able to work enough to get off the disability payments all together. I thought I might be able to find work that I could do mostly at home, but that still paid enough to make me self sufficient. That I would really LOVE.... To earn my own living!