Will it never end???!!!

I'm sure all of us who are chronically ill think this from time to time.  "Will it ever end?" "Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?" "How much longer do I have to endure this? Days, months, years?"

In one way, I am lucky in that I have up and down days.  I never feel well, but I have days where I can do things: short outings, art, a little gardening, editing, writing or researching for my PhD.  My choices are limited and my work periods short, but at least I have days where I manage things.  Over time, I look back and see experiences I have accumulated by making the most of my good moments.

On the other hand, there are times when I feel so fed up by this limiting illness.  Right now I have a lingering cold along with an M.E. bad period/crash.  It doesn't really matter what is causing me to be so weak, sick, utterly exhausted and useless but I can't help but asking myself, "Is this the antibiotic I'm taking, the lingering cold, an M.E. crash, or all three?"

Yesterday I barely left my bed.  When I put on my PJ's in the evening it was so exhausting doing this minor task I had to take a break part-way through.

I still sound hoarse and stuffed up from this cold.  It's been at least two and 1/2 weeks!  I'm clearly over the bulk of it, but what the heck? Why am I not healing?  Will it never end?  Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

I tell myself each night when I go to bed that tomorrow will very likely be better and I feel hopeful.  Most days lately, however, I wake up only to feel just as wiped out.

Today I was able to spend 20min printing the last layer of a print.  It turned out OK....not my favourite, but not terrible.  I thought I would post photos of each of the three layers so you can see how the process works.  I did the task then headed right back to bed to spend another day.  Wow, it just amazes me the combined power of this illness and cold virus right now.

I hope my readers are having better days then me.  Send me some good healing vibes if you can.

I carved out the trees then inked a pink and blue blend

I carved out the block leaving just clouds/sky and water

The final layer is a separate block with the trees, land and birds inked with a darker grey/blue 

Never Ending Cold

 "I have never exaggerated a single thing in my entire life!"

OK, Sometimes I exaggerate.  Yes it's true.

Case in point, this isn't the never ending cold virus.  On the other hand, it's one of the longest ones I can remember having.  I just can't seem to kick it.  So after two weeks (give or take) of having this nasty virus, I woke up today still completely crashed and wiped out and decided to seek some help.  I thought to myself, even if I could just get some prescription nasal spray or something I should go in to the clinic or a walk in.

The stars were aligned because I called my clinic and my NP was able to squeeze me in the same day due to a cancellation.  It turns out I DO have a sinus infection (which I suspected) as well as the beginnings of an ear infection.  Also some swollen glands which I figured out on my own (and this happens to me with the M.E too).  Mostly I just feel more drained than usual and like I have a never ending cold (head ache, post nasal, stuffed up).

So now I need to fill out my prescription which might wait until tomorrow when I have help from my roommate.  I'm so wiped after getting myself to the appointment and back.

On another note, it is finally ice-out on the big lake  (Lake Superior).  I would think many of the inland lakes will have ice for a few more weeks.  Sadly, I see no way of getting down to the Lake to see the dregs of the ice melt away - one of my favourite spring activities - I'm just feeling too ill.

We had more snow last week and it wasn't just a snowfall followed by melt.  It stayed cold.  I went outside, sat on the patio and built a little snow guy.  I figured if you can't beat um, join um right?  I'm posting a photo to make you laugh.

Today it is spring finally.  And it's supposed to stick around now.

As some mentioned in comments, weather can make things better or worse.  I think this long winter has taken a toll on me, but on the other hand, I don't do well with extreme heat either.  Maybe it will just be a pleasant warm spring and summer, wouldn't that be nice?

There are only a few little piles of snow hanging around in the neighbourhood - goodbye winter!

May 3rd! and winter still hanging out with us

Double Whammy

So my "breathing issues" turned out to be a nasty cold virus.  It hurt more than usual to breathe for three days and I was feeling esp. weak, but I just thought it was an M.E. flare.  I don't remember ever having had a cold start in my chest like this.

It's been a nasty one, but in all fairness, just a cold.  I haven't had a fever....so that's good.  Sometimes when my immune system ramps up to fight a cold I actually feel a little more energetic (probably similar to a healthy person who has a cold).  But this time round it's been like a double whammy.  I've been completely drained from the cold on top of enduring my normal M.E. feelings of being drained.  Yippee, so much fun.

On the positive side, however, at least I don't have a job where I have to call in sick, or a family to care for while double whammy sick.

I've just been flattened, on the couch or in bed.

Yesterday it was quite warm outside finally!!! so I lay in my patio chair watching the snow melt and soaking in the vitamin D....it was really nice.  It finally feels like spring.  But we are supposed to get 10 cm of snow tomorrow!!!!! Can you believe it?

Breathing Issues and an April Blizzard

It's been a very dull week.

I have had decent mornings followed by terrible afternoons.

I've been mostly house-bound again.

The post-nasal drip has been ridiculous.  I've also been super fatigued - more than usual and I think the two are related.  My chest feels so heavy and sore when I breathe.  I'm not sure what is going on - whether it is related to POTS, whether I have a sinus infection, something in my lungs, or who knows what else?  Allergies?  Asthma?

To be honest, I keep thinking of getting it checked out but I'm just too exhausted to go sit at a walk-in clinic for a couple hours.  Ironic, I know....I guess this is part of being disabled...too sick to access care.  If it gets much worse I'm going to have no choice but to seek some kind of help.

Some mornings I continue to work on relief block printing (art).  I had some inquiries about my work.  People interested in me doing cards and hanging things at galleries.  Also, one woman looking to perhaps buy a piece.  It feels good, like validation that my art isn't completely amateur.  At the same time, I think some people think I just whip this stuff up and it's easy for me.  It takes a lot of work over many sessions and much of what I do isn't fantastic or worth sharing.

That being said, it would be nice to sell a few pieces, just to pay for the paper and ink.

We had a huge blizzard last Friday.  I spent most the day in my lazy 'girl' watching the wind and snow out the front window.  It has been the snowiest coldest April I have ever spent here.  I actually found it kind of fun and exciting that day although I really do want spring.  They say it will reach 15 C this week. I cant wait to at least sit outside.

street view

view from my chair

bedroom window

Music in my Head and the Never ending Winter

OK, lets be clear.  I like winter, yes I do.  Because I was once an active and dare I say (at least physically) adventurous person, I used to love being outdoors in winter.  Dog sledding, cross country skiing, camping.  I loved seeing the imprint of wolf tracks in the snow and the ravens flying overhead. Also the feel of the air, so clean and crisp, and the look of a winter sky, pale blues and purples - or at night the Aurora dancing across the sky.

But this year winter has been long, long, long.  And while I still like the clean look of a fresh coating of snow on my backyard, I'm tired of it.  It's wet and sloppy out there and cold.  It just feels cold.  Every few days it snows again.

Tonight and tomorrow morning we are supposed to get another 10-15 cm. The green and brown patches that are appearing today will be blanketed again.

The backyard on April 15th, and more coming

Health wise I haven't been great.  I had a nine day patch where I was just too sick to leave the house.  Then last weekend I did outings on Sat. and Sun and of course crashed hard Monday and Tuesday.

Maybe this is why I can't wait for spring.  I would love to be able to sit out back and soak in some sun even if I'm too ill for outings.

My PhD is on hold until I get some stuff back from my supervisor.  Basically I've done all the parts I can until something comes back to me.  It means I haven't done any work really for a couple of weeks....which given my health is probably good, although I miss the distraction of having my 'work' to do each morning.

I've been doing lots of art (printmaking) instead (crap art to be honest, but hopefully I'm learning through it).  I'm hoping to get a piece I actually like soon.

The music in my head these days? Les Miserables.  I think I may have actually read the book years ago but I never saw the musical and of course in the last 10 years have been too ill for that kind of outing.

I really wanted to see the movie but wasn't well enough at the time.  That and other stuff got in the way.  But my roommate got the DVD for her birthday and we watched it.  I LOVED the music and cannot get it out of my head! It just keeps going round and round in there - a soundtrack that follows me around constantly lately.  It's funny, I wake up in the morning and right away it's "look down, look down" or "Do you hear the people sing, singing a song of angry men".

 OK, so I'm going out on a limb here because this is a 'safe' and supportive audience on the whole.  Here is a little 3 layer panorama print I've been working on.  Thoughts?  Impressions?  My roommate really likes it, but I'm not sure quite how I feel about it.

It's a virus, no it's M.E., it's a virus, no, it's just M.E. (is M.E. a virus?)

Oh dear me, I do seem to repeat the same questions over and over in my head.
Last night my throat got really sore, worse than usual.  I have a sore throat every night and any time I'm especially crashed or tired....it's just part and parcel to my version of M.E.

In fact, because I am very heavy on the immune side of M.E., sometimes it's two or three days having a cold virus, before I know it's actually not "just M.E.".  The following list is case in point:

Symptoms                   M.E.                 Cold Virus

Sore throat                   yes                    yes
achy/fluey                     yes                    yes
low grade fever             sometimes        sometimes
weak and tired               always             yes
painful lymph nodes      yes                   maybe


Do you see my dilemma?

So I woke up this morning and my throat was a bit better.....I thought, just M.E. but now I'm thinking "maybe it's a cold" again.

Which of course means that in my case at least, M.E. either is a virus, or partly an immune problem.  And even my regular Dr's have said as much with my frequent low white blood count and swollen glands.

Otherwise, I have nothing new to report.  Life itself has been a whirlwind of drama and emotion the last six months.  Not anything I can write about here.  I feel like the worst of that has peaked at least for a while.  My good friend N. came up over Easter weekend and it was my roommate/friend's birthday.  Overall we had a really nice time.  I definitely pushed a little too hard with the visiting and cake baking and fun which I have crashed from (perhaps this explains the viral symptoms).  But it's one of those times where I am quite happy to have overdone it a little.

A couple weeks ago my roommate took me to see "ice out" on the lake.  The funny part is we were too early.  The bay was still frozen solid, someone was even driving on it.  It was a warm day, warm enough for me to relax on an old peer and just soak in the warm sun.


But the ice that had frozen in chunks on the shore was disintegrating, doing what's often called "candling".  It's something you have to see (and feel) to believe.  The ice breaks up in millions of tiny little cylinders.  I'm posting some photos of it.

And also a photo of the dog running wildly on the ice for Je.  You know why :)

my ears help me run faster

Ice out?  I think not!

candling ice, you can see the tiny cylindrical pieces

candling ice

Orange lichen on the old peer and a fish house (for ice fishing)

enjoying the sun