November and December were terribly difficult months. My dad's health declined significantly over the last couple months to the point where he ended up in the hospital on December 6th. He was eventually moved to a hospice floor in a different hospital on the 12th where he died two days later on December 14th. I sat by his bed for much of it. He was conscious on and off especially the first 5 or 6 days but stopped eating (couldn't swallow) and stopped talking.
Since then I've done a lot of paperwork and caregiver/executor type tasks. Right after he died I was so exhausted I barely moved from the sofa for a couple days. I was so dizzy, lightheaded and exhausted, utterly exhausted. We've already had the funeral at his church in Kitchener, the city where he spent most his life so I've also had to travel.
How am I? Incredibly sad and now depressed. For 4 years this man has been with me for part of almost every day. While it was a struggle sometimes, especially recently when he required more care and was visibly suffering, mostly it's been good. I feel so blessed and grateful to have accumulated years of memories and times together with him. Not only that, but my dad loved me to the moon and back. Everything I did seemed to make him proud. To be loved and appreciated like that is pretty rare and I doubt I will ever experience it again. Importantly, having experienced my mom's passing 4 years ago I very often tried, and remembered, to consciously savour my time with my dad. I told him often that I loved him and hugged him lots.
Everywhere I go, everywhere I look lately I have memories of him. I miss him terribly. And to be completely honest, I feel done. I just don't feel there's anything left to live for. I don't want to keep going without him, all alone. For the last couple weeks I've been living in a daze, getting stuff done, but besides the waves grief and loss, feeling nothing for anyone or anything else - no interest, no enjoyment, no affection....just nothing. I just don't want to move forward. I feel devestatingly lonely without him in my life. I don't know how I'll move on.
I was so very sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. That time by his side in hospice must have been so difficult for you, both physically and emotionally.
ReplyDeleteEverything you said resonated with me, as I lost my own dad (only age 70) four years ago to cancer.
Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve and heal. It will take some time, but joy and happiness will return. Focus on those happy memories (like you, I was SO grateful to have spent lots of extra time with him his last year) and let those reminisces comfort you. Treat yourself kindly and allow yourself plenty of comfort and self-care. I would imagine that some of what you are experiencing is also the crash after all that stress and exertion - it really takes a toll.
You are not alone. Thinking of you.
Sue
Living with ME/CFS
Hi Gail -- I'm so sorry about your dad's passing.
ReplyDeleteI lost my sister-in-law on Dec. 12 and my step-mom (who was in my life longer than my own mom) yesterday. My heart understands your heart -- It's such a difficult process to go through.
You're in my thoughts as you go through this difficult time.