I try not to do too much worrying about the future or the past, it just puts me in a bad place. When you have a chronic illness (or two) and there is no cure and no real treatments, I believe it's best not to get your hopes up too much. What I've learned after 16 years is that, at least for me, it's important to make the absolute most of the abilities I have, the few good moments I have, and try not to think of how much left there is to endure/suffer or put my hopes in some future cure.
That said, I could use a few less people in my life who think it's "not that bad" to be sick everyday or that it's just a matter of will power, "look at all you're doing", or who believe thinking on the bright side on my behalf is equivalent to being supportive. Which doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I do have and can do. I absolutely am.
Here's a list of things I was feeling grateful for today:
1. That I was able to get an education while ill (and fund it without working).
2. That because of this education, I have a part-time flexible job that I have successfully done now (on and off) for almost 3 years!!! Not only does it give me a sense of self worth, but unless you've faced trying to get through life with almost no income, I don't think you can really understand how horrible and crippling it is. I'm still quite low income, but the extra I earn makes an enormous difference to my quality of life and I feel so so so so lucky that despite illness/disability that I have something I can do from home in bed. I realise most don't.
3. This will sound odd, but I'm grateful that no one really close to me died last year. After a couple really hard years of loss and grieving it was so nice to have a break. (I'm still grieving my mom, but at least I didn't incur another big loss).
4. I'm grateful (I think) that I'm getting a new dog, a puppy in 2019! Insane! and maybe unwise? Back to the income thing, I'm trying to figure out how I am going to manage this on my income, but I am so looking forward to having a young life to love and nurture and train.
5. While I'm grateful for friends (I have the best friends). I'm feeling quite distant from most of them lately. With work, my dad, and my health (inability to travel much) it's been too long since I've connected with some of my nearest and dearest.
I hope you have some blessings/good things in your life these days? If not, or if they are hard to see and feel through the veil of illness or other challenges, hang in there. I've come to believe that life in reality is really tough (and sucky) for a lot of us a lot of the time. That said, I want to make the most of, and be grateful for the small things if at all possible when they come around.
We had a big snowstorm right after Christmas and I was snowed in for a few days. Here are a few photos of what looks a bit like Narnia.
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