I've been doing too much, especially driving. I did some driving last weekend in order to attend a dog event. Then my dad had two appointments this week. Yesterday I was so sick (M.E. sick) that I was ready for it to end. I just wanted to die. Really, how much more suffering must I go through in this life? It's like everything I do is punished, whether that's stuff I really want to do, or just life errands stuff.
I woke up today not quite as weak but still feeling horrible already (sometimes I get a window in the morning). Since the beginning of M.E., when I'm sick or crashed it feels like there's an infection somewhere deep in my chest, I take a deep breath and it hurts/aches. Every cell in my body is tapped out and poisoned. It's really similar to having influenza (the weakness and icky part) but M.E. (as I experience it) has a flavour all of it's own. I don't know how much more of this I can take?
For the next 6 months I will be teaching again and today that feels like the worst decision in the world. On the other hand, in some ways I am very much looking forward to it (hopefully I can keep my brain healthy enough to manage it).
I work completely from bed for a few hours a day teaching online courses (this time a 6 week summer intensive and a fall 12 week). The summer intensive is all ready to go and will be a whirlwind no doubt. I know in the past it's occasionally meant some 6 hour days and in order to spread out my hours, usually no days off for the whole period (really 8 weeks work with the marking). The fall course is right up my alley (it's in my field of study) but I've only taught it one time and I don't see where/when I will do anything to adapt and update it given I'm working in the summer.
Right now I have a headache and am dizzy/light headed so feeling thankful I have most the week still to recover from this crash/relapse. Illness is really dragging me down lately, I feel so isolated from the rest of the world, I feel so alone trying to manage life while feeling so horrid. Yesterday I almost collapsed twice my legs were so weak. If I had, I would have been alone.
M.E. is such a brutal disease. I totally get what you're saying here. I keep following all the breaking M.E. news, (like the new large funding for research in M.E. that Dr. Ron Davis et al has secured etc.) and hope beyond belief they will soon understand/come up with a cure this horrible illness.
ReplyDeleteAre you part of any online ME support groups (like on fb)? I find they help with the isolation factor and also help with my overall management of M.E.
On a side note -- we drove through your neck of the woods a couple of weeks ago on our way out west -- beautiful scenery!
Oh I wish I'd known, you could have stopped by and said hello. Yes, north shore of Lake Superior is a hidden gem.
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