Update

I don't feel as if I have much to say, but nonetheless, it's time for an update.  Christmas passed quite uneventfully.  We had a dinner here on Boxing Day that was celebratory but fairly low-key (we had my dad over).  Then of course I was crashed the next day.

New Years eve was awesome.  A friend came up from Minnesota and while we didn't do anything too crazy that night (watched a movie, drank some port, ate a light dinner and yummy snacks) it was such a pleasant night. Believe it or not, I was AWAKE at midnight! I can't remember this happening on a New Years since I got ill! Part of the reason why is that I wasn't crashed that day so I didn't feel the constant desperate need to retreat to my bed.

So while I don't think it behooves those who are ill to be too goal oriented (leads to disappointment after disappointment), I will list things I am happy I did in 2017:

• Believe it or not, I worked part-time (10-25 hrs a week) from home 10 months of 2017 (actually probably closer to 8, but I was officially employed during 10 months).
• I went to the Slate Is. and camped with friends for 4 nights. 
• I spent two more nights in October solo (with the dog) in the woods on a beautiful lake.
• I managed my dad's care, finances, health, and issues including loss of his licence.
• With lots of help, we repaired a section of the house's foundation during the summer - it was mostly quite fun.
• I spent a week with friends in Duluth. 
• After 15 years I officially got a diagnosis of POTS including travelling for the tilt table testing.
• I didn't have any significant relapses (although I did have a 6 week bad patch last winter).

So, really that is an amazing amount of stuff done despite the fact that I remain in bed or laying on the couch all but about 3 hours of most days.  (I work from bed online).

On the negative:

• At times, the trying to work while ill (enduring lots of sickness stuff) was beyond anxiety making, I experienced high levels of anxiety and stress in 2017.
• I endured patches of brain fog similar to when I first got ill.
• I mostly had to give up my one 'out of the house' activity because working sucked me dry energy and health-wise.
• Similarly I wasn't able to do much printmaking as work, my dad, and recovery from these two was all I could manage.
• I lost my closest aunt.

So we are two weeks into January and I am laying in bed doing pretty much nothing useful.  I feel divided about not working (probably til July).  Part of me feels a wave of relief every day I wake up (and given I'm pretty flared this week this relief is doubled). 

Unfortunately, this feeling is then often  followed by guilt - that I should be "doing something useful" with my limited energy.  Oh course I try to tell myself that rest and recovery is useful.

It's funny because when I'm in a crash or relapse I think/feel, "How can I possibly endure another day of this?!! How could I have been so stupid to --- e.g. do that errand, visit my dad, walk a block, etc.?".  But even a day after pulling out of a crash I flip and tell myself, "You really can manage more, don't be so lazy, so negative, it really isn't that bad, you only have a mild case of M.E. etc.".

Just for fun, here's a photo of my dad (and me) beside an old icebreaker (it was hard to get the whole boat into the photo) - he loves to ship watch.