Things to do

I have a lot of things to do.  Mainly working on my PhD.  However, as I haven't been home for even a week, I've done almost nothing.  It was over ambitious of me to think I could do observations for my research.  I traveled twice to see programs this summer.

(My research is looking at the experiences of wolf educators in North America - surprisingly, there are a lot of programs and centers dedicated to wolf education and conservation).  The bulk of my study is interviews with educators which I conducted from home over the phone in June and July.

Anyways, my observations were a bust for a lot of reasons I won't go into (some of the reasons relate to the fact that I'm quite ill).  I pretty much told my supervisor there is no way I could attempt any more observations. Instead, I'm going to try to get another one or two interviews.  While it all sounds very engrossing (I'm sure), in reality, what I'm doing these days is mostly laying in bed feeling horrible.  Like really ill.

Which makes me wonder if I'm feeling especially bad as a consequence of the travel and/or being away from home?  Then I argue with myself that  I was feeling poorly almost my whole time away as well, I don't think I'm much worse.

Next I start wondering how much to push myself to do stuff (not big stuff, just little around-the-house tasks)?  While miserable and ill, I still managed quite a bit over the last month.  Should I continue to do stuff despite being home and feeling so ill?

I find all I really want to do is lay around…lay in bed or on the couch.  Sure, I have the excuse that I'm sick and weak enough that I have to rest after making my bed or rest my arms after brushing my hair or teeth, but should I allow myself to revert back to complete sloth? The problem with that is how lonely and unfulfilled I feel. Doing little things keeps my mind busy.  It is a constant battle to find a balance - to do as much as I can without making myself sicker/worse.

I made the mistake after an August of feeling horrible, to waste my energy with a medical appointment this week. I saw my Nurse Practitioner (who is very supportive).  But the reality is there is nothing she can do for me except confirm I still have some swollen nodes and lend an ear while I complain about how sick I am.

For some reason I get annoyed by those people who whine and moan in the waiting rooms at the Dr's office (children excluded).  I think to myself, come on, toughen up a little (I know this is pretty unfair considering).  However, I was so exhausted and sick after the drive to my appointment (15 min) that while waiting for my appointment, I was leaning against the wall with my eyes closed, I even rested my head on the magazine shelf! I  considered either leaving or laying on the floor I felt so awful.

In reality, I wouldn't actually lay on the floor of a waiting room, but do you ever (when you are super unwell) inadvertently look for the nearest place to lay down?  Early on, I even lay in a dog bed at a party once.

My NP was very sweet, asking if I'd heard of any new treatments for M.E.  I enquired of her if she could think of any reason why I am so so much sicker in the afternoons, but she didn't have much (we are testing my cortisol levels).  I know I've posted this poll before (on the right), but I thought I would again just to see what people's (with M.E.) sickest time of day is.

And the medication my cardiologist gave me to try for the OI (Orthostatic Intolerance) clearly states NOT to use if you have gastritis or ulcers and I wanted her advice (since my ulcers and/or gastritis is flaring).  I'm going to postpone my upcoming cardiologist appointment until I can heal the ulcers and actually try the med.

I've been watching Master Chef this season and when the one contestant was eliminated this week, as he left he said: "you learn from the past, you live for today, and you dream about the future".  I really liked it for some reason so I thought I'd share.  I try to remind myself all the time, that today is the only day I'll ever get.  While I can learn from the past, it's best not to dwell on, or live in the past.  Similarly, the future can be something to dream about, but since it never arrives, it's best to spend most my time living today (sick or not).

I think it's a quote often credited to Einstein with 'hope for the future' (although Einstein has been credited with a lot of things he never actually said).