Sad

I find with this illness, the sadness comes and goes.  When I'm functioning low, feeling terribly sick, it's almost like there is no room to be sad.

I've just come through two weeks where every morning I wake up, think I might be a little improved, then an hour into my day realize it's the same heavy flu and fatigue.  It's been so challenging just to mentally get myself through the days.  At the same time, I've had little choice but to lay around all day.

Then the last two days, I finally picked up.  It was such a glorious relief yesterday when at 11am I wasn't feeling deathly ill.  So did I rest, and store up those good hours?  Did I put my energy (money) in the bank?  No, I started working on a print (I do block printing). Then in the evening, my roommate took me on a drive to a beautiful river rapid and we sat there as the sun was setting.  The aspens are brilliant yellow right now, the red osier dogwood and blueberries red, it's the peak of fall here.  The dog swam and we soaked in the view, then we drove home watching an almost full moon the whole way.  It was magical.

Today I woke and had another of these precious days....a day where all my mental energy isn't taken up  coping with the physical.  So I worked on my print again and got my hair cut (two outings in two days).  My hair has been driving me mad for a month, but I haven't had a single day where I felt up to going out for a cut.

So I should be happy.  This is freedom for me right?  But instead I'm feeling really sad.  Sad that my life is so empty.  I want to disappear.  I watch my roommates come and go, seemingly able to do what they please.  I know this isn't completely true....I mean they have to go to work and school.  They have to take care of tasky stuff like shopping and mowing the lawn (which I can't help with).  But they can also go for walks, out to movies, out for meals, shopping, driving, socializing, saunas, etc....

It's rare I can do any of these things and when I can, they are usually miserable experiences, if not during, then for days afterwards.

So there is the small sadness of the little things, but even bigger is the sadness for the larger ones.  I have no partner, haven't dated in years.  I have no children (which I really wanted).  I have no job at present, and I feel useless.  I live off the government.  The most "giving" thing I do is phone my parents weekly, or the dishes, or send an occasional letter or package.  I feel like a useless lump in the universe.

And I look to the future and have trouble hoping for or wanting anything.  I'm just sad.  And my instinct is to be alone right now.  I want to be away from people, away from everyday life and having to witness all the things I'm missing.  I'm tired of this sick body and having to lug it around.  I'm tired of people telling me I don't look sick.

To top it off, I didn't get my results from the MRI which means now I have to wait until Monday to find out if I have cancer....there, I said it.  I know it's probably not cancer, however, I don't know that for sure.  And if it is, I just want to know and get on with things.  I don't want to wait three more days with that hanging over me.

I talked to a friend who's daughter had the same MRI as me two days before and she got her results yesterday, so I'm guessing/hoping by Monday or Tuesday.

I'll post some photos of the river outing soon, there are some really nice ones.