I've been pondering today what keeps me(us) going? Every day I wake up and feel ill. Some days are better, some worse. I've been stronger since the beginning of Dec. so I can enjoy little outings here and there (although often with consequences).
Today I'm living the consequences of going to an art opening last night. A local printmaker was opening a show called "wilderness". Right up my alley. It did inspire me to do more printmaking (something I already want to do more of this next few months).
Today I woke up worse than usual - fluey, exhausted, weak, and just now eating lunch, hand tremors trying to hold my spoon.
Sometimes I wonder what there is to wake for each day? (how depressing right?). I really really don't want to wake up sick for the rest of my life, but after almost 10 years of being sick I don't feel much hope that things are going to change.
Mostly I try to live in the moment and not think ahead. Just find the most joy in this hour I can. But when I feel shivers of illness with every breath it's hard. I'm so frustrated with trying. I feel like 8 times out of 10 trying just results in punishment. At the same time I don't want to live life in bed, I want to do what I can...make the most of my limited life.
As I start a new year I want to set some realistic goals, something to work towards, something to live for. But I'm struggling. I look at last years' list which I thought was unambitious and I didn't even achieve 1/2 of it. Although from the glass 1/2 full perspective I did achieve a fair amount of stuff - so perhaps I can be happy with that.
So what keeps you going? What do you wake up looking forward to each day.
For me it's:
- My dog - she's fun, good company no matter what my mood or level of illness
- The thought that I might feel a bit better today
- Sometimes trying new recipes if I have the energy, or looking through recipe books if I don't
- Ideas for prints or art I might try
- The chance that I might get to the woods or lake today (the beauty of living where I do - natural splendour, it's all so close)
More importantly, how do you endure the worst days, days where you feel like you can't survive another day of this terrible never ending flu?
I have been pondering this question, upnorth, trying to figure out what keeps me going. I think mostly it is my deep desire to live....to watch my grandkids grow up, be with my family. I am blessed to have Joel in my life and he is number 1 for reasons to wake up! My faith plays a big part for me and the desire to do things I believe are from God in the ways I can and dreams of serving him in the ways I now cannot. Purpose. I need purpose to want to wake up and face each day.
ReplyDeleteHappy new year upnorth!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you feel better, even just a little.
My new year goal, only one - improving my health (I just had a medium scale relapse - which made me think that my assumption of 90% recovery of my health was too optimistic).
What keeps my going? Getting healthier.
I tell you this, when I was young I was a "goal sweeper" - I thought there was nothing that I could not do (you probably had the same thought). After my middle age health battle (also span over 10 years), I learned to give up goals, as I finally realized that without my health, I could not achieve anything. The again and again crash meant one thing: my body needed my full attention. For getting my health better, I sacrificed my academic goal, family/relatives relationships, friendships, etc.. I learned in a very hard way that they (most family/friends) will never understand my situation, and it was up to myself to save my health. So, I ended up alone, from an academic "prodigy" became a full time housewife! but my body gets healthier and healthier (by months and years, not by days of course). So does my mood.
The chronic health issue really taught me how to feel satisfied with "nothing". It was this satisfaction with "nothing", I learned to rest - which was the first giant step that helped me got better.
I am yet to improve my health to full recovery. I hope my experience could be your reference. And I fully understand each of us have different condition, personalities, and it's up to each of us to find our own way out.
Yun Yi, It's so great you were able to recover the amount you did. I take it you're not back to healthy enough that you are working or schooling or anything? The only thing that has helped me over the years has been rest. I delved into lots of naturopathic, homeopathic, and chiropractic techniques for a few years when I first got ill. I thought these would cure me. But only after finding a good specialist did I begin both to accept that this might be a chronic illness and that I needed to learn to pace and rest and not expect my life to be as it was. Since that time I no longer "cure chase", however I do try to listen to be body and rest and pace when needed. One of my main barriers, though is being a good pacer. Especially on my better days I tend to over do it. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with "nothing" as you say, though....it's just my nature to want to be useful in this world if even in a small way. I hope I can learn from your experience, though and be better at resting. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me.
ReplyDeleteRenee,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about living for those you love. I never found that special person and since I've been ill it's been hard to meet anyone, let alone someone to share my life with. I live with some friends which is a mixed bag - great to not be alone and have people to care for, but very complicated and difficult when you add the dynamic of me being so ill - different than a marriage or committed partnership (although I don't doubt that illness complicates any relationship). I think not feeling emotional ties to human beings is part of the reason that it's hard to find purpose sometimes when I have to endure daily this awful illness.
Ah, these are good questions to ponder...and January is always a good time to ponder them!
ReplyDeleteDon't give up hope of improving. After 8-9 years of status quo, I improved quite a bit last year, thanks to several new treatments. Besides that, research is advancing wonderfully - there are so many new leads that could potentially lead to effective treatments in the near future. I believe hope is essential to good health.
As for goals, think small - baby steps. Last year, one of my goals was to try new treatments - I tried 5-6 during the year, and, as you know, 2 of them ended up making a significant difference! Other health-related goals I set for myself include: at least 5 minutes of gentle yoga stretches at least 3 times a week, meditate 10 minutes per day, and even stress-reducing goals like no computer after 7 pm and rest when my symptoms flare up (a challenge for me).
I also think you are on the right track with thinking about what you are looking forward to. I saw a psychologist for years who specialized in chronic illness, and that was her favorite question: "What are you looking forward to?" She said that was the significant difference between depression and other chronic illness - people with depression have trouble finding anything they are looking forward to.
I like your list at the end. I sometimes keep a Joy Journal - just jotting down at the end of the day what brought me joy - it's often little things like sunshine or hearing a favorite song or reading a good book.
I think just the fact that you are thinking about all of this is a good sign!
Here's to a healthy and happy 2012!
Sue