So about a month ago, I had my last tele health appointment with my specialist. I say last, because 10min in she said "I have good and bad news". Well, the good news is for British Columbia where she is going to run the complex illness centre for Lyme, M.E./CFS and Fibromyalgia. The bad news is for all of us in Ontario whom she's treated (myself for 8 years).
Here's an article about it: http://www.vancouversun.com/health/Clinic+specialize+complex+chronic+conditions/6922031/story.html
She is the only full time specialist in Ontario, or should I say "was". She hasn't been taking patients for a few years now.
So, not only am I without a specialist, I'm also without a Dr. I do have a very nice NP, however, she is not up to date on any research or willing to prescribe anything without a consult. She may try to get the clinic's ID Dr. (Infectious Disease) to consult on my case, however, based on my experience here, I'll be lucky if he even believes this disease exists, let alone be willing to treat me.
It's strange, I feel so alone now even though I only saw Dr. B a couple times a year and we never found anything especially effective. She was always up to date with the research and had patients on various "protocols". She was willing to try things and was always very supportive and empathetic. She helped me get provincial disability and later accommodations when I was in the Masters of Education.
It's a strange new world without a medical ally.
My health has also taken a dive again (hopefully temporary). I've spent the last 4 days with major stomach issues as well as an M.E. (fatigue and immune) crash. Hopefully it passes quickly.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
....and holding
I'm still doing better. I feel less sick. I have more energy than I have for a year, maybe two. I am maybe 10% improved overall, although it is so hard to quantify. I would say even more when it comes to immune symptoms. I have periods of the day without a sore throat or lymph pain (they still hurt at night). The POTS and OI are still quite bad (summer, heat, you know) and I've had a few scares with significant blackouts. But throat, fevers, breathing ache, and malaise are much better.
Instead of 1-2 hours of the day not horizontal (where I am able to sit-up or stand), I'm spending maybe 4 upright. This is wonderful. For the first time in a long while, I don't hate my life. All it took was not feeling like hell every minute of the day "go figure".
That being said, I had a friend visit and tried going into a big store (Michael's) and it was a disaster. Not only did I get flu symptoms and dizziness from the standing (and the lights and the sounds), but I crashed the next day from the effort. It's funny, because if I do something similarly active outside I haven't been crashing every time (maybe one out of 3 times). I think it must be in part, the standing still which wrecks havoc with those of us who have fairly severe OI (orthostatic intolerance). Also, perhaps because stores are especially mentally stimulating they are more exhausting.
I know someone might read that and say "you must have a phobia of crowded places", but really, I'm not scared of stores at all (not that I was ever a shopper - I never have been), but for some reason they drain me and cause crashes in the same way driving does (despite the fact I used to love to drive).
Most Dr.'s who research M.E. call it a neuro-immune disease (sometimes a neuro-endocrine-immune illness). There are definite aberrations in both the nervous system and immune system. While I have always been more aware of the immune symptoms, I definitely get some nervous system ones. Like crashing from stores, driving, the severe OI (which is an issue with the autonomic nervous system), as well as periods where I get fairly significant tremors and muscle twitches.
I won't be blogging much this month partly because I'm a little busier what with the better health. I'm also spending way less time on the computer (doing a lot of reading for one).
I hope everyone who reads this is also doing well, having a good summer. If not, I have my fingers crossed for all of you. If you had told me 4 months ago that I would ever feel this good again, I wouldn't have believed it. (Not to get carried away, I'm not well or healthy or anything, I've just had enough of the illness cloud lift to remember I have a personality and things I enjoy in life). Here's hoping it lasts.
Instead of 1-2 hours of the day not horizontal (where I am able to sit-up or stand), I'm spending maybe 4 upright. This is wonderful. For the first time in a long while, I don't hate my life. All it took was not feeling like hell every minute of the day "go figure".
That being said, I had a friend visit and tried going into a big store (Michael's) and it was a disaster. Not only did I get flu symptoms and dizziness from the standing (and the lights and the sounds), but I crashed the next day from the effort. It's funny, because if I do something similarly active outside I haven't been crashing every time (maybe one out of 3 times). I think it must be in part, the standing still which wrecks havoc with those of us who have fairly severe OI (orthostatic intolerance). Also, perhaps because stores are especially mentally stimulating they are more exhausting.
I know someone might read that and say "you must have a phobia of crowded places", but really, I'm not scared of stores at all (not that I was ever a shopper - I never have been), but for some reason they drain me and cause crashes in the same way driving does (despite the fact I used to love to drive).
Most Dr.'s who research M.E. call it a neuro-immune disease (sometimes a neuro-endocrine-immune illness). There are definite aberrations in both the nervous system and immune system. While I have always been more aware of the immune symptoms, I definitely get some nervous system ones. Like crashing from stores, driving, the severe OI (which is an issue with the autonomic nervous system), as well as periods where I get fairly significant tremors and muscle twitches.
I won't be blogging much this month partly because I'm a little busier what with the better health. I'm also spending way less time on the computer (doing a lot of reading for one).
I hope everyone who reads this is also doing well, having a good summer. If not, I have my fingers crossed for all of you. If you had told me 4 months ago that I would ever feel this good again, I wouldn't have believed it. (Not to get carried away, I'm not well or healthy or anything, I've just had enough of the illness cloud lift to remember I have a personality and things I enjoy in life). Here's hoping it lasts.
Friday, July 13, 2012
sustained upturn
I continue to be improved. I would say maybe 5% overall, perhaps a little more. The main improvement is with both energy and sustainability. What I mean by sustainability, is I can do more without crashing, and my crashes are shorter. While in the disability scale 5% is not a lot, it is enough that I'm not complaining...honestly, I'll take it!
I also notice a burden being lifted mentally and emotionally. With a little ease-up in the sick realm, I am also coping better with life in general.
Why am I improved? Honestly, I am hesitant to say it, but I think it must be in part a result of the high dose B12. I have been giving myself B12 shots now for maybe a month or just a little more and the improvement coincided almost exactly with the start of the B12 (beginning a week or so after).
I also speculate, and I may be grasping at straws here, the increased Vitamin D and sunlight. From the start of the spring I have been spending more time outside. Sometimes just in my chair, but also short walks around the gardens or even sitting and weeding.
So while I have cancelled 3 trips to my old stomping grounds in the last 2 years due to health, I finally bit the bullet and came!!! My old stomping grounds is where I lived and worked the 6 years in Minnesota prior to getting the Mono and subsequent M.E./CFS. I was a wilderness guide here, also working a little at the local college teaching physical education (outdoor) classes.
Because I live between three and four hours away, and many of my friends were here, I used to get back a few times a year. Then I started getting worse. I have had trouble making the trip even as a passenger. As well, many of my friends that lived here have moved on.
Last week, my friend N came up to visit. It had been two years since we'd seen each other in person. On a bit of a whim, I took the risk to come home with her. The journey was tough (just a ride in the car, maybe 4 hrs). I was in tears by the end. But after a day and 1/2 resting, I popped back up to my status quo. And now she is out in the woods so I've mostly just been doing what I do at home - resting in bed.
Resting....except instead of traffic, neighbour dogs barking, roommate noise, I hear the wind through the aspen and the birds. It is so peaceful.
I have pushed a little too hard, though....I get here and people want to see me. And they just don't understand chronic illness from inside a "well" body. I think it's just too far from reality. They don't realize that for me, just sitting up for more than a short period comes with consequences (and because it hits a day or so later they don't get the joy of seeing the consequences).
Still, I'm glad I came, and I'm preparing mentally in case I have a crash from the trip...but I'm also crossing my fingers that the crash is non-existent, or at least short. I'm hoping this improvement in resilience continues.
I'm posting a few photos - me and N's dog, a nearby lake (there are lakes everywhere here), a frog I saw, and the road where I'm staying.....
I also notice a burden being lifted mentally and emotionally. With a little ease-up in the sick realm, I am also coping better with life in general.
Why am I improved? Honestly, I am hesitant to say it, but I think it must be in part a result of the high dose B12. I have been giving myself B12 shots now for maybe a month or just a little more and the improvement coincided almost exactly with the start of the B12 (beginning a week or so after).
I also speculate, and I may be grasping at straws here, the increased Vitamin D and sunlight. From the start of the spring I have been spending more time outside. Sometimes just in my chair, but also short walks around the gardens or even sitting and weeding.
So while I have cancelled 3 trips to my old stomping grounds in the last 2 years due to health, I finally bit the bullet and came!!! My old stomping grounds is where I lived and worked the 6 years in Minnesota prior to getting the Mono and subsequent M.E./CFS. I was a wilderness guide here, also working a little at the local college teaching physical education (outdoor) classes.
Because I live between three and four hours away, and many of my friends were here, I used to get back a few times a year. Then I started getting worse. I have had trouble making the trip even as a passenger. As well, many of my friends that lived here have moved on.
Last week, my friend N came up to visit. It had been two years since we'd seen each other in person. On a bit of a whim, I took the risk to come home with her. The journey was tough (just a ride in the car, maybe 4 hrs). I was in tears by the end. But after a day and 1/2 resting, I popped back up to my status quo. And now she is out in the woods so I've mostly just been doing what I do at home - resting in bed.
Resting....except instead of traffic, neighbour dogs barking, roommate noise, I hear the wind through the aspen and the birds. It is so peaceful.
I have pushed a little too hard, though....I get here and people want to see me. And they just don't understand chronic illness from inside a "well" body. I think it's just too far from reality. They don't realize that for me, just sitting up for more than a short period comes with consequences (and because it hits a day or so later they don't get the joy of seeing the consequences).
Still, I'm glad I came, and I'm preparing mentally in case I have a crash from the trip...but I'm also crossing my fingers that the crash is non-existent, or at least short. I'm hoping this improvement in resilience continues.
I'm posting a few photos - me and N's dog, a nearby lake (there are lakes everywhere here), a frog I saw, and the road where I'm staying.....
Monday, July 2, 2012
Better Week
It's nice to have good news once in a while. I had a decent week on the whole. One of my best in a year (which isn't saying a lot really). I have had two major crash days, however, in both cases I can peg why (in other words, classic post exertional malaise - crashing 36 hrs later) . The first was from a swim/dip in Lake Superior = worth it, and yesterday I was horribly crashed from doing some cleaning the day before around the house.
My housemates are away. In some ways it's wonderful. For one, the house is quiet. And secondly, the house is relatively clean with a very small effort on my part. On the other hand, on my good days I get a little lonely. On those days I miss my peeps. Like everything, there are both pros and cons to living alone.
Things sure have changed. When I lived alone, I got lonely sometimes - but usually it took days or weeks of not talking/seeing anyone. Now, I'm alone for a few days and I notice it.
That being said, for the most part I am savouring the solitude....it will be over too soon. I've especially been grateful on my crash days not to have to rally to visit or interact. When I feel that ill my mood just plummets and it's all I can do to deal with the sick, fluy body, let alone the social.
.....I feel like such a cantankerous person sometimes. My self-worth is tested already by feeling sick, unproductive, and useless - I find my moodiness around others makes me feel even worse about myself. I guess the solution would be to become a better, nicer person - gain some moral strength. I'm not holding my breath.
A few health related notes:
My housemates are away. In some ways it's wonderful. For one, the house is quiet. And secondly, the house is relatively clean with a very small effort on my part. On the other hand, on my good days I get a little lonely. On those days I miss my peeps. Like everything, there are both pros and cons to living alone.
Things sure have changed. When I lived alone, I got lonely sometimes - but usually it took days or weeks of not talking/seeing anyone. Now, I'm alone for a few days and I notice it.
That being said, for the most part I am savouring the solitude....it will be over too soon. I've especially been grateful on my crash days not to have to rally to visit or interact. When I feel that ill my mood just plummets and it's all I can do to deal with the sick, fluy body, let alone the social.
.....I feel like such a cantankerous person sometimes. My self-worth is tested already by feeling sick, unproductive, and useless - I find my moodiness around others makes me feel even worse about myself. I guess the solution would be to become a better, nicer person - gain some moral strength. I'm not holding my breath.
A few health related notes:
- The little bit better energy I've had for a couple weeks has coincided with me taking B 12 injections, so I'm hoping to convince my specialist to continue them when I see her tomorrow morning.
- I saw the endocrinologist about the thyroid cysts, it looks like they are nothing to worry about - we will ultrasound them in 9 mo and if they still haven't grown, let them be (they are very small and haven't grown in 5 years).
- My CT scan of my abdomen (with contrast) showed some haziness around my pancreas and some small lesions on my liver (these are fairly common and usually nothing to worry about). However, due to the haziness of my pancreas I'm going for an MRI to rule out "pancreatic cancer and lymphoma". Sounds scary, but I'm not too worried as my gut issues and pain are so much improved I'm almost back to my old diet.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Lets Go Whitewater Paddling?!! &&$%%$**%##
Too funny.
My OI symptoms were horrendous today and I've had multiple close calls (complete black outs without the faint). Still, I managed to go to the local hardware store to buy supplies for the bottlejack printing press I'm building (a work in progress).
While standing in the small, local hardware store looking for stuff, someone shouted "Gail!" across the aisles. It was one of those moments, you know the ones where it is taking every bit of mental and physical stamina you have not to scream with the dizzy, sick, fluy, feeling?
Still, I was happy to see this person.
He asked if I still liked to paddle (he was also a wilderness guide for a sister organization to the one I worked for) and was talking about how him and his wife had been going out with friends to paddle lately at a local rapid (whitewater canoeing).
He asked if I wanted to come out to the rapids Tues. night.
Well, what a strange moment right? I mean I barely leave the house, spend almost all my time in bed or laying down (I figured it out to 1-2 hours a day where I'm not horizontal) - and yet emotionally, I'm happy that I'm being invited somewhere, happy to see an old friend/acquaintance. He obviously doesn't have a clue how sick I am.... how would he... I live in my bedroom.
I said it might be fun to come watch if nothing else, trying to be sociable. We talked a bit about paddling, and the printing press I was building, and then we headed off to our own projects (and me home to bed).
I mean of course I want to go paddling!!...it's not a matter of intention or desire, in fact I'm dying to go whitewater paddling...how cool would that be? I'm even laying here contemplating what might happen if I was well enough to even get to the rapid (maybe a 1/2 hr drive).
If I managed to get there would I get in a boat? My arms are very very weak not to mention the things that happen after I exert myself in any way (severe immune symptoms, muscle tremors and twitches, dizziness - although generally those symptoms bombard me 24-48hrs later). How many days, months might I crash/relapse if I tried whitewater paddling? And would it be worth it????? I haven't even been able to manage a meal out in months...I have trouble lifting heavy pots, standing, existing, really.
It was a pinhole peak into what I might have if I weren't sick....I'm very lucky to have a few friends left, but ultimately I have a very limited life. If I were healthy I'd exercise, have a job/carreer, go out and socialize, join stuff...maybe a book club. I might date, I'd always wanted to foster or adopt, I'd ski in the winter, in the summer I'd paddle, maybe rock climb again. Oh the possibilities (don't go there right?). But I can't dwell on this...I need to not dwell on this!!!
This is the life I have; a sick, limited life.
How do I not hate my life? I feel like such an outcast, such a failure...I want to blame myself. That was what I did early on, for years even...that and push myself....but I'm past that phase. I accept now that I never wanted this, I couldn't have even imagined something this awful if I'd tried.
People look at me: I don't look sick, they probably think I'm exaggerating or somehow weak in character and/or stamina....many have said as much. And yet, despite anything I or anyone else believes, I'm very ill. I wake up ill every day no mater what I tell myself, and unless I am fastidious about pacing, I get worse. If I choose to put a smile on I'm ill with a smile on...If I choose to be angry and bitter, I'm still ill (and angry and bitter).
As Toni Bernard writes, whatever problems we have, this is just our life, right? This is just my life.
(Here's a link to her post from 11 years sick - I found it inspiring: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201205/11-tips-11-years-sick)
In order to survive emotionally, I need to not crash too often as "not" crashed is bad enough. I need to live in my bubble....that is what disability is, I guess...the more disabled, the smaller the bubble.
So instead of paddling I'll continue to build my press, one step forward every day. I'll try to forget what might be or could have been if...if....
....if only - like the fact that I could have been going paddling Tues. night.
And thanks to anyone who made it through this rant (sorry)
Here's a print I did (block print) inspired by reading Watership Down this week...although they are hares, not rabbits.
My OI symptoms were horrendous today and I've had multiple close calls (complete black outs without the faint). Still, I managed to go to the local hardware store to buy supplies for the bottlejack printing press I'm building (a work in progress).
While standing in the small, local hardware store looking for stuff, someone shouted "Gail!" across the aisles. It was one of those moments, you know the ones where it is taking every bit of mental and physical stamina you have not to scream with the dizzy, sick, fluy, feeling?
Still, I was happy to see this person.
He asked if I still liked to paddle (he was also a wilderness guide for a sister organization to the one I worked for) and was talking about how him and his wife had been going out with friends to paddle lately at a local rapid (whitewater canoeing).
He asked if I wanted to come out to the rapids Tues. night.
Well, what a strange moment right? I mean I barely leave the house, spend almost all my time in bed or laying down (I figured it out to 1-2 hours a day where I'm not horizontal) - and yet emotionally, I'm happy that I'm being invited somewhere, happy to see an old friend/acquaintance. He obviously doesn't have a clue how sick I am.... how would he... I live in my bedroom.
I said it might be fun to come watch if nothing else, trying to be sociable. We talked a bit about paddling, and the printing press I was building, and then we headed off to our own projects (and me home to bed).
I mean of course I want to go paddling!!...it's not a matter of intention or desire, in fact I'm dying to go whitewater paddling...how cool would that be? I'm even laying here contemplating what might happen if I was well enough to even get to the rapid (maybe a 1/2 hr drive).
If I managed to get there would I get in a boat? My arms are very very weak not to mention the things that happen after I exert myself in any way (severe immune symptoms, muscle tremors and twitches, dizziness - although generally those symptoms bombard me 24-48hrs later). How many days, months might I crash/relapse if I tried whitewater paddling? And would it be worth it????? I haven't even been able to manage a meal out in months...I have trouble lifting heavy pots, standing, existing, really.
It was a pinhole peak into what I might have if I weren't sick....I'm very lucky to have a few friends left, but ultimately I have a very limited life. If I were healthy I'd exercise, have a job/carreer, go out and socialize, join stuff...maybe a book club. I might date, I'd always wanted to foster or adopt, I'd ski in the winter, in the summer I'd paddle, maybe rock climb again. Oh the possibilities (don't go there right?). But I can't dwell on this...I need to not dwell on this!!!
This is the life I have; a sick, limited life.
How do I not hate my life? I feel like such an outcast, such a failure...I want to blame myself. That was what I did early on, for years even...that and push myself....but I'm past that phase. I accept now that I never wanted this, I couldn't have even imagined something this awful if I'd tried.
People look at me: I don't look sick, they probably think I'm exaggerating or somehow weak in character and/or stamina....many have said as much. And yet, despite anything I or anyone else believes, I'm very ill. I wake up ill every day no mater what I tell myself, and unless I am fastidious about pacing, I get worse. If I choose to put a smile on I'm ill with a smile on...If I choose to be angry and bitter, I'm still ill (and angry and bitter).
As Toni Bernard writes, whatever problems we have, this is just our life, right? This is just my life.
(Here's a link to her post from 11 years sick - I found it inspiring: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201205/11-tips-11-years-sick)
In order to survive emotionally, I need to not crash too often as "not" crashed is bad enough. I need to live in my bubble....that is what disability is, I guess...the more disabled, the smaller the bubble.
So instead of paddling I'll continue to build my press, one step forward every day. I'll try to forget what might be or could have been if...if....
....if only - like the fact that I could have been going paddling Tues. night.
And thanks to anyone who made it through this rant (sorry)
Here's a print I did (block print) inspired by reading Watership Down this week...although they are hares, not rabbits.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
10 years today
Well it's here - my 10 year anniversary of getting ill....of my life completely changing, of never having a day where the heaviness of illness isn't somehow affecting me. I was telling my friend N., that I no longer remember what "well feels like". Intellectually I know I was well for 30 years. But my body memory is gone...it's been that long.
It was 2002 and I was headed to the airport to pick up a group of students for a sea kayak course (I worked year round for a wilderness school). I was the course director (a glorified logistician) for a couple courses.
That morning I woke up and just didn't feel well. I felt like there was an internal tremor or buzz running through me. After driving the van to the airport, I remember standing in the airport organizing students and feeling very dizzy, off kilter. I dropped the students off later that day to their instructors and lay on the floor of an elementary school classroom (one of our field outposts). I had a chest ache, fever, and a dry hoarse throat....at this point I truly felt as if something was really wrong.
Ten years ago today that was. I got sick on the Sunday, and on Tuesday I went to the local clinic. Later that day the NP who I'd seen called to say my mono spot test was positive, I had mono. She said that I should expect to be out of work for four to six weeks.
Well it's been ten years now...so much for four-six weeks eh?
Those who read this blog know the story...many of you having had similar experiences....Dr. to Dr.....still very sick, test after test etc.
I feel as if I want to say something important or insightful today, however, I can't think of anything.
I'm very sorry I got sick 10 years ago. You will never get me to say I'm happy or grateful it happened. I lost almost all my 30's to illness. I've been unable to work, pursue my passions and hobbies, socialize....the list goes on.
It's looking like my 40's may be even worse (I've been going down hill the last two years). I feel sick everyday, the malaise and weakness equivalent to a really bad cold or influenza, or often much worse....and there is still is no blood test, no treatment, little recognition from the medical community at all that this is a serious illness....it's coming, but I suspect it will be years....
I've had a rough week (again), and there are days lately where I've had enough. I go to bed at night and don't want to wake up. (Don't worry, I'm not saying I'd take my life, I won't).
That being said, being sick for 10 years has come with some gifts or insights:
- Increased compassion for others
- an understanding of what true strength is (I see it all the time in my fellow ill sufferers)
- an improved relationship with some friends and family (despite drifting from the vast majority)
- a chance to learn to be alone and be ok with it - really enjoy solitude (although every thing has it's limits)
- a chance to observe little things that people with busy lives miss as I lay and look out my window
- developing my artistic side on my better days
- spending time with my dog
- doing lots of reading I'd never otherwise have done (not that I didn't read before, but I was a very busy person and my joys were more on the active side - canoeing, climbing, dog sledding, running)
What do you do on the anniversary of the most upheaving event of your life? Eat cake? Try to forget altogether? Get drunk? Scream? What do you do if you had a sudden onset illness?
It was 2002 and I was headed to the airport to pick up a group of students for a sea kayak course (I worked year round for a wilderness school). I was the course director (a glorified logistician) for a couple courses.
That morning I woke up and just didn't feel well. I felt like there was an internal tremor or buzz running through me. After driving the van to the airport, I remember standing in the airport organizing students and feeling very dizzy, off kilter. I dropped the students off later that day to their instructors and lay on the floor of an elementary school classroom (one of our field outposts). I had a chest ache, fever, and a dry hoarse throat....at this point I truly felt as if something was really wrong.
Ten years ago today that was. I got sick on the Sunday, and on Tuesday I went to the local clinic. Later that day the NP who I'd seen called to say my mono spot test was positive, I had mono. She said that I should expect to be out of work for four to six weeks.
Well it's been ten years now...so much for four-six weeks eh?
Those who read this blog know the story...many of you having had similar experiences....Dr. to Dr.....still very sick, test after test etc.
I feel as if I want to say something important or insightful today, however, I can't think of anything.
I'm very sorry I got sick 10 years ago. You will never get me to say I'm happy or grateful it happened. I lost almost all my 30's to illness. I've been unable to work, pursue my passions and hobbies, socialize....the list goes on.
It's looking like my 40's may be even worse (I've been going down hill the last two years). I feel sick everyday, the malaise and weakness equivalent to a really bad cold or influenza, or often much worse....and there is still is no blood test, no treatment, little recognition from the medical community at all that this is a serious illness....it's coming, but I suspect it will be years....
I've had a rough week (again), and there are days lately where I've had enough. I go to bed at night and don't want to wake up. (Don't worry, I'm not saying I'd take my life, I won't).
That being said, being sick for 10 years has come with some gifts or insights:
- Increased compassion for others
- an understanding of what true strength is (I see it all the time in my fellow ill sufferers)
- an improved relationship with some friends and family (despite drifting from the vast majority)
- a chance to learn to be alone and be ok with it - really enjoy solitude (although every thing has it's limits)
- a chance to observe little things that people with busy lives miss as I lay and look out my window
- developing my artistic side on my better days
- spending time with my dog
- doing lots of reading I'd never otherwise have done (not that I didn't read before, but I was a very busy person and my joys were more on the active side - canoeing, climbing, dog sledding, running)
What do you do on the anniversary of the most upheaving event of your life? Eat cake? Try to forget altogether? Get drunk? Scream? What do you do if you had a sudden onset illness?
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