Grieving

I've been home for 3 weeks.  I have done a lot.  I'm not near as frenzied as I was at my parent's, but I have kept the pace busier than my usual, partly just to see if I could maintain it some, partly as there was a lot of catching up on my life to do.

For one, I sent off a copy of my dissertation to my committee.  Which means it is written, edited and approved by my supervisor.  There are still many steps to go: 3 committee members must like it/approve it, then it goes to an internal (to the University) examiner and then an external examiner before we schedule my oral defence….so besides helping my dad pack a house, sell a house and move, I may have a PhD to finish this winter/spring.  For now, though, I don't have to look at that stupid document again for at least a few weeks.

It's easier from here to remember I have built a little bit of a life, despite the fact that I'm mostly homebound.  At my parent's I felt like I was just doing care and running myself ragged, fueled on coffee and adrenaline.  Not that my parents aren't part of my life or important, or worth taking care of, just that I have built a little bit of a life here after more than a decade, I'd almost forgotten after months away.

Emotionally, I am not doing well.  Healthwise I'm not relapsed, although I have crash days and feel like I have M.E. - surprise. Grief wise I've been terribly sad much of the time.  I cry a lot, everyday.  I miss talking with my mom (we used to talk on the phone once a week), I can't believe she's gone.  Sometimes it's still a shock when I remember she's gone, that I'll never talk with or see her again in my life.  It's like a huge empty unfillable hole, sometimes the pain of it is unbearable.