Getting there….

Well I've been crashed/relapsed for over a week now.  Flu symptoms and some serious weakness issues.  For example,  I tried to put a box together (not pack it mind you) and just with that small effort my arms were burning with the M.E. weakness, and I was out of breath…and I did it while sitting on the floor!  Sometimes it surprises me that this illness isn't just chronic mononucleosis, it feels so much like when I first got mono that I don't understand how they really know it's gone.

My father drives me crazy a lot of the time.  He really needs so much attention and help and I am just not well enough to meet his needs while also dealing with all his stuff, selling his house, figuring out the details for his new place etc. etc.  It's just way too much for a sick person.  In fact, in retrospect it almost would have been better to move him somewheres first rather than try to have him here while packing and selling his house.  It's just too much for me and he is not really any help given where he is at (85 with mild dementia/cognitive dysfunction).  More than once I've considered just leaving him here and going home.  I can't believe how alone I feel sometimes trying to cope.

However, a couple huge loads have been lifted off me this week.  First, a good friend is actually flying out here, is going to help me pack and empty the rest of the house, and then will drive my dad's car north (a 16, 17 hour drive).  This is such a huge gift it boggles my mind at how generous it is.  I almost can't get my head around it.  She barely knows my dad, but wants to help take some of the pressure off me…honestly, I just can't get my head around that someone would do this!  And given how ill I've been the last week, and unable to do much, I feel like I'm drowning.  Her offer is like seeing that there is a life raft on it's way.

Also, my parents had wanted to sell their house in their church community, but given there is not really any interest right now, we were going to open the house up to the market.  However, someone knocked on the door a couple weeks ago and had heard through the grapevine my dad was selling.  He ended up making a private no conditions offer than is in range, so we are likely just going to accept it.  Another huge relief.

The last relief has to do with my dissertation which is now edited (again, albeit poorly) based on my committee's concerns.  So next it goes to an internal examiner, but except a few small formatting pieces, I'm done with it again for a while.  I also decided to pull out of talk I was going to give at the end of February as I realized it was just too much to ask of myself right now.  If I were home and it was the only thing on my plate, fine, but given what I've been dealing with, and the crash/relapse it just wasn't going to happen.

Finally, it's my mom's birthday today.  She would have been 79.  I'm thinking about her and missing her lots, I want to do something today to honour her.  I loved her a lot, and miss our friendship daily.  She gave me so much.