Things were absolutely crazy the last week at my Dad's. I had two friends planning to come out to help finish clearing the house and pack my dad, however, one had a work emergency and came two days late. However, they were both fantastic and did a ton. One of them even drove my dad's car north (a 16hr drive). There is no way I could have managed it all without them. I have the best friends in the world, no doubt. My dad's house doesn't close until March 31st and there's still a few details to sort, but for now I'm home.
My dad is driving me insane asking 100 questions a day and sticking to me like glue (nothing new). It has been almost 1/2 a year I've been his care giver as I initially flew down mid-August when my mom went in the hospital. It is tough, because in some ways he is still functioning OK, but in other ways he is like a toddler. I am quite ill now that I'm home. The first day back was Okay, the second day I felt pretty ill and crashed, the third day back I felt even worse.
I have no patience for my dad, then feel horrible about the way I treat him. This morning he got up early and banged around making noise and woke me up. Then told me he had a big emergency and it was just that he was three days out from being out of glucosimine. Then he fed the dog but didn't tell me so she had two breakfasts. Then he went out in -20 windchill to clean his car without mitts or a hat.
He wants permission to do anything. When my roommate offered to go buy groceries for the week (I asked her if she would take him along) he instantly said no, he couldn't go (he doesn't want to do anything without me). I made him go and he enjoyed himself.
How can I stick my father in a "home"? On the positive, it is four blocks away and he is social and needs constant attention and validation so maybe he will be happy after a transition period? I've never been a parent so am not used to the huge burden of deciding things for other people. For my mom, I was her POA and decision maker. I had to give the hospital permission not to treat her final infection. With my dad, I'm doing all his financial and personal decision making and it's a huge huge weight. And I am so so so so exhausted.
So sorry for all you have been through, Gail. You mustn't feel guilty about needing to put your dad in a care facility. You are much less functional than I am (and my husband is healthy), and when we moved my FIL out here last year, we moved him into an independent living facility (he can move to assisted living there when he needs to). I also felt guilty for not moving him into the house but realized we'd all be happier with him having his own space and people his own age to interact with. here at our house, he would have been isolated, other than us. Not to mention that he likes to keep his heat turned up to the 80's!! He would have been constantly complaining of being cold here. Where he is, he has his own space, he can watch what he wants on TV, crank up that thermostat as high as he wants!, and we see him several times a week. Since he'll only be a few miles down the road, it sounds like the perfect solution. You'll be no good to him if you get yourself so sick that you can;t even take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful daughter and have done so much for both of your parents - you have no reason to feel guilty.
Take care of yourself now that you are home. Hope you can get some rest.
Thinking of you -
Sue
Thanks Sue, and glad you FIL is doing okay where he is, at least he is near by. So far it's working OK to have my dad so close (I still feel part caregiver, but I also get my own space again after so long).
DeleteYes, I second what Sue has said, Gail. You have been through a lot and when you factor in your health issues, it adds another whole layer to it all. Setting boundaries in order to extend our own health is not just beneficial to us but also to those in our care. If we over extend ourselves and end up totally crashed, we won't even be able to take care of ourselves, let alone them. In the bigger picture, looking down the road, it will be to everyone's well-being to have your dad in place where he's looked after. You can then spend your energy and time enjoying visits etc.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to take care of yourself throughout all of this.