I'm not sure if any of you sickies find the contrast between your life and your (relatively) healthy friends and acquaintances lives, one of the harder things to deal with?
I travelled (again) to do research for my PhD in the town where I used to live and work. This is a much shorter travel day, involving no planes or unnecessary standing. Still, even just sitting up that long in a car is hard. I was holding back tears at the end. I had a nasty gut infection (AGAIN!!!) the two days before I travelled and was still recovering from it the day I came south.
Anyways, the outdoor school where I used to work, was having their 50 year staff reunion over Labour day. Unfortunately, I've been horribly crashed almost since I got here. Still, there were friends (really good friends) attending that I hadn't seen in more than 5 years. So I tried to go to the reunion for a few hours to visit. Well it was wonderful on the one hand, but after only an hour of sitting up, I felt so horrible I had no choice but leave and lay down. It was like trying to syphon gas from an empty tank…impossible.
It was so frustrating I can not put it into words. I tried to not feel overwhelmed by feelings of guilt (why am I so weak? why can't I push through just to sit here and visit?) and embarrassment (I must look like a complete wuss, over-reactor) but mostly deep sadness (I'm not well enough even to sit and visit with some of my best ever friends). I realize that if I'd come here and completely rested for a full week, I may have been able to attend a little more, and my body may have 'stood up' better. I spent a lot of the weekend laying in bed wishing that I could be part of things. Also wondering why I'm still alive? I feel so ill that I am sometimes surprised it hasn't killed me, this disease. And if I can't participate in the world, why exist at all?
Now to address the title of this post: the contrast. Sometimes when I live in my own little bubble, my protected world, I almost feel that I am a functioning human being. But when I try to 'do' something out in the world e.g. grocery shop, travel, attend an event, even sit up to visit with friends, I am faced with the stark contrast between my life and the lives of similarly aged acquaintances and friends. And when I am faced with that contrast, I realize how limited and hollow my life is.
Watching friends and acquaintances, especially those with kids, I realized I probably do perhaps 1% of the activities in a day that these people do. And the scary thing is I'm not exaggerating. Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means saying their lives are easy. It seems from the outside looking in (and from listening) that they are almost like chickens with their heads cut off, racing around after kids, working, doing all sorts.
But at the same time, my life seems so empty in comparison. I have no children to chase, no job to go to, almost no errands/tasks. I live such an muted life. And the worst part, is my lack of choice in it all. I can't do much because my body's ill, not because I don't want to. I can't overcome this illness by wishful thinking, ignoring it, pushing through (I've tried all three). I wanted to spend the weekend at the reunion, but I could barely manage an hour or so (and spent the whole next day in bed, wishing it was my last).
And why are these blog posts always so sad? Believe it or not, I'm not always sad/depressed. But I use this blog as an outlet to vent my feelings of sadness and frustration, usually when I am at my sickest.
Upnorth, those people's lives are easier than yours, or mine. Don't feel bad to think like that. Let me tell you, I came to US with no money, with very poor English skill (I understood almost nothing what people said), entered in an expensive art school, which means I had to make money to support both my life expense and my sky-high tuition. Many people simply did not believe I made it. But I did. However, looking back, the challenge I faced then was not even a margin as I faced the past 10 years, during which I struggled with my health decline, together with mental challenge that came with my physical inadequacy.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that we do not want to "do", we basically just can't. Nowaday people have such "high spirit" that they think everything if we believe we could do. But that's the real wishful thinking by my opinion. I realized that our "superficial mental spirit" - such as we can do anything we want - is highly depend on physical condition. The true mental toughness lies in acceptance of our weakness.
I had such a hard time to accept my inadequacy, since once I believed that I could do anything I want. But now, after accept my weakness, realized importance of my physical being, I found the strength I did not know before.
I hope you don't feel bad about your "lifestyle". I often have that feeling of difference, or contrast, as you put it, and feel a bit sad and alienated, but soon I would tell myself, when my health gets back, I can do the same too. Also, more importantly, even if my health never come back to me, I should not blame myself. (of course, easy to say but hard to do!)
I am glad you have many happy times other than blogging time. I too, use blog as a venting machine. :-)
edit: "But now, after accept my weakness, realized importance of my physical being, I found the strength I did not know before. "
Deleteshould be: but now, after accepting my weakness, realizing the importance of physical health, I found I am actually stronger than before.
Yes Yun Yi, there is an internal type of strength which I think I've gained too. But it doesn't seem to keep me from having feelings of sadness when I try to cope even a little in the world and realize how limited my life is.
DeleteYour life is not empty, nor are you doing nothing. You are not giving yourself credit for the fact that you are working on a PHD! That's huge! That's something many healthy people wouldn't even attempt because of the effort it requires. We all choose different battles in life (and some are chosen for us - like our illnesses), we fight the battles we face. They have their own battles and deal with them the way they choose. I'm willing to bet that there were at least a couple of people there (even your own age) that sat there longer WISHING they could just go home and lay down.
ReplyDeleteJulie, it's true I don't do nothing. I just mean in contrast to the healthy people in my life I do nothing. I spend almost all day in bed due to weakness and flu symptoms and while the PhD sounds huge, I average about three hours of work a week on it. I am well aware that my friends lives are not easy and that they too, are often exhausted, but I think it is really quite different. They are living pretty full lives and are active most the the day every day, where as I couldn't even manage an hour sitting visiting without a major crash. The fact that they can push through fatigue itself is a huge contrast.
Delete