I've had enough!!!

Right now, life is really tough and I'm feeling that I've had enough.

Daily, when I try doing things, I'm faced with my weakness, the many barriers to living, courtesy of this illness.

Examples:

• I try to pull the dead tomato plants out of the planters and don't even have the strength.  So I look at those dead plants every day and it's like they're giving me the finger, that I can't even manage to clean them out (and either must ask to my roommate to do them - feels like grovelling - or sit and look at them indefinitely as they mock me).
• I try to go through some boxes full of old papers, and get shaky just lifting piles of paper!
• I do laundry and carrying the laundry up the stairs has me winded and laying in bed for an hour afterwards.
• Similarly, I change the cover on my duvet and have to stop for breaks from the weakness in my arms, and being winded.
• I manage to move our light aluminum ladder in the yard but my muscles shake and twitch for hours afterwards.
• I run a quick errand to the drug store and get the spins, lightheadedness standing in line. I feel so sick from the ordeal that I sit in the car afterwards in tears.

How do I feel? Angry, frustrated, a failure, useless, helpless, emasculated!!!

I HATE not being able to do things.  And being someone who is fiercely independent, makes it even harder.

This past week I decided to drive myself to a park which is an hour away.  I haven't driven that long since 2010.  I put my tent and sleeping bags in the car so that if I made it to the park, I had a day/night to rest there until I had to drive back.

I've been feeling so trapped and angry and alone lately, that I just wanted to escape, to be able to do something for myself. Daily, there are things I want/need, but just have to let them go, because I'm unable to do them myself.  Or similarly, I try to do them and either manage and pay, or worse, can't manage and end up feeling more useless and indescribably frustrated at how hard seemingly simple tasks are.

To boot, I'm lonely.  I have almost no friends or acquaintances in this town.  I can't remember the last time someone here actually asked me if I'd like to do something with them/spend time together? (early July?).

And have I made any friends in the last five years? No. How do I meet people when I don't work, when every time I attempt something out in the community, the real world, I fail due to my limitations.  (e.g., if I'm at a restaurant I'm lightheaded and so focused on how ill I feel, I'm not very social).  I guess I'm saying I don't blame people for not wanting a friendship (or hell, I'd take a shallow acquaintanceship) when I'm miserable to be around, and rarely make the effort the other way.

But I'm feeling done.  I'm just tired of this life.  I'm beyond frustrated with my inability to do better, and to cope with my limitations.  I'm not managing and I feel alone and useless and incredibly unloved and unlikeable.

After returning from the park, I spent the whole day in bed, weak, achy.  I felt (quite literally) like someone had clubbed me in my sleep.  I had a horrible sore throat and a fever.

You know, the worst of it was the drive, something about driving is super draining.  I did OK sitting out in the park on the most glorious day of the autumn!!!  And since there were critters running around our campsite (mostly skunks and foxes), my dog was up most the night growling and on edge (and keeping me up).

So after maybe 4 hours of sleep, I woke up just before dawn.  The sunrise was amazing and our campsite was on the water, so I took photos and enjoyed the sunrise.  Similarly, the many times I was up in the night enabled me to so see some Aurora (they weren't that great) and the splendour of a sky full of stars.  Since I live in the city, it has been two years since I've really seen a good dark star filled sky.

As well, spending the day just laying around, enjoying the peak of fall colours was a real gift.

But the drive home was awful, and I realized why I haven't attempted a drive this long since 2010.  On the other hand, I wonder how I'll mentally cope much longer knowing I can't drive very far and 'escape'.  It makes me feel even more alone and incapable of having any power over my life.

I just see no use in me being alive.  I live off the government (disability), I make no positive difference (that I can see) to anyone's life.  Obviously I'm depressed.  And while a day in the splendor of fall was a great tonic (I wasn't depressed the whole day), now I'm both sicker and more depressed realizing I have to live through (how long?) of sick hell pay-back alone, with no one who understands, no one to talk to which might 'take the edge off'.

I'm posting some of my photos from my amazing day :)
Do you have a favourite?

Note: The feature you see in some of the sunrise/sunset shots is something known as the 'Sleeping Giant" here.  If you use your imagination you can see someone laying on their back (head, adam's apple, chest and feet).

Long Shadows: Woman and her monster?

I loved the evening light on the rocks

sunset from my campsite

dawn

early morning swamp (drive home)