Being Chronically Ill Isn't a Character Flaw.

You know, quite often when I'm feeling ill, I start feeling bad about myself.  Originally, I looked for all the things I may have done 'wrong' to cause the illness.  Now instead it's when I crash, I look for all the things I may have done 'wrong' to crash.  Living in a society that often focuses the lens on individual behavior as the cause of illness vs. the larger environmental causes, it's hard not to tell ourselves that somehow we are to blame.

And it's not that we may or may not have made some poor choices for our health, but in reality, really wonderful people who are doing everything 'right' get chronic illnesses. And people who treat their bodies poorly can live long, healthy lives.

Any time I start feeling bad about myself as a person because I'm ill, I remind myself that I didn't choose this!!! I have no desire to be sick, feel miserable, and spend all but 2 or 3 hours of my day laying down!  No one would choose this.  We all had goals and dreams and want to live a full life.

And for the most part, I'm doing the best I can to be as healthy as I can.  I do indulge in some treats: I still drink an organic coffee or two each morning, and I love my dark chocolate.....but if something as small as this was at the root of my illness, I would have recovered by now (to be honest, over the years I have gone "off" just about every food or drink imaginable in order to regain my health).

Yesterday I over did it, so today I woke up feeling especially ill.  I could feel the self-blame creeping in.  "I am such a bad person for being sick, on disability, living off the government",  "if I was tougher I would do more", "I am unlikable because I am sick, that's why I have so few friends", "someone else who felt this sick and weak would still be tougher, do more, be better at coping".....

I try to squash these thoughts with self talk that is more positive...."you're doing the best you can",  "no one who felt this sick would be able to rally, look at the fact that more than 60% are fully disabled", "the reason you crash is because you DO try and you take on too much", "look at everything you manage despite being sick"

So that's my story today.  I have my folks coming for their annual visit and am getting some things ready. I am really excited to see them as my life has been pretty lonely lately.

My immune system has plummeted even more since the cold virus in April and I'm still dealing with sinusitis (viral), a yeast infection (my first), canker sores in my mouth and throat, and upset stomach.  I went to the clinic again and got some meds.  Hopefully removing at least  one layer of infection can help my poor immune system rally.  That, and the time I'm spending camped out on my chair in the sun.  Yay sun!