I feel as if I have very few commitments. I am mostly homebound, and while I can do a short outings here or there without repercussions, I can't choose the day when I'll be up for it. I feel like I've cancelled so many things over the last month. Two meetings and two dog training sessions....I guess that's it.
I'm trying to just let go of guilty feelings and listen to my body, use my experience with this illness. If I know I'm too sick or weak, if I know it will cause a crash, I am not letting myself push. I mean it isn't just outings, it's also choosing to end phone conversations or not answer calls because I know I am not strong enough.
My folks are visiting and I'm having to just close the door to my bedroom and lay in bed a lot. The visit is running me ragged, despite the fact I'm not doing much more physically than I usually do. I try to accept my illness....accept the fact that my 82 year old father, while slowing down, is more able than me.
I did go to market with them and my friend/roommate Saturday a.m. I was so dizzy I could barely walk. I found a chair in a hallway and sat most the time, disoriented....things were spinning.
I came home and took my blood pressure 83/62!!!! No wonder I was so dizzy.
So while it is a terrible thing to feel so fluey and weak and exhausted, I am working hard on not feeling guilty about it. I can close the door and lay in the semi-darkened room. If people think it's because I'm antisocial or "down" they can....because it doesn't change the reality that I am pretty darn sick and doing my best to manage despite this fact.
Hugs coming your way, upnorth. Wish you were able to spend more time with your folks!
ReplyDeleteIt seems to come and go in severity Renee, I am squeezing in little visits here and there.
DeleteThanks for coming by upnorth. Hope you rest more, because you need it! And feel comfortable of being lazy. We deserve it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Yun Yi. Am resting as best I can.
DeleteAh, yes... I know that feeling of someone way older than you being able to do way more :-)
ReplyDeleteEven though you are not out a lot more than usual, I'm sure it is the interacting and talking more that is wrecking you too.
You sound strong mentally. It is an ongoing battle - the guilt thing... In the end you have to be ruthless when it comes to doing what's best for your health.
Keep strong xx
Treya, yes, it is interesting how much energy just visiting sucks from me when I'm crashed like this....trying to ballance lots of rest inbetween. Thanks for stopping by :)
DeleteHi Upnorth, Sorry to hear how rough it's been. I've been out of the loop due to family visiting, same situation. Like you I hate to keep saying I can't do this or that and I must lay down so I agreed to do face timing, it's just like skyping, with relatives and am still paying for it. It's like talking on the phone but even worse. I've lost many friends because I simply can't do frequent or long or expressive (takes way too much energy) phone conversations, not even to mention meeting for lunch, and unless a friend does email, that friendship has ended except for a frustrating holiday card in Dec. with a two sentence note from a friend 'how are you, I'm fine' added or worse yet just a lone signature.
ReplyDelete"Ruthless" is a goodchoice of words, I'm going to apply that, next time for sure if someone wants to do face time, I'm going to write out my limits and then follow them myself because sometimes I get swept up in the moment and go against my own decisions.
Hey, I have a book to recommend--"Wild" by Cheryl Strayed. The print is too small but on Kindle it's great. The audio is also fantastic, audio books are strange experiences, but with 'Wild' it's truly a perfect read.
I'll be in touch more now. Wise choices, wise choices - I have to remember that phrase. Thanks.
Leah