The Loneliness of Chronic Illness Exacerbated by Covid

It's been over a month since things have been locked down due to Covid. In some ways, my life hasn't changed much at all. I finished up my course (it was hard, like pulling teeth every day). However, since finishing a week and 1/2 a go, I've had trouble slowing down, appreciating my chance to rest and recharge. I've been plagued by bouts of anxiety.

If I try to relax, I start to worry about everything I 'should' do before my next course in July. There's also some Dad estate related tasks pending. This week I got together all the tax stuff and reorganized his file box.

The last two days have been our first warmer days. The first one I went out and spent a lot of time in the yard. I got a little sun, and the next day was crashed/flared.  This happens to me whenever I get too much sun, even if I'm mostly sitting. Of course I went down a research hole (again) and it's common in a number of autoimmune conditions to have a flare from sun exposure. And since POTS is likely autoimmune and M.E. has immune components, I guess it isn't surprising I flare after sun exposure.

My house has a lot of issues so since my Dad passed, I've been seriously thinking of moving. But all the 'to dos' involved have me stressed. Alternatively, if I stay here, I'm too sick to do any of the fixing/maintenance/upkeep.  For example, cracked leaky foundation, outdoor drainage issues, floors that need redoing, water damaged ceiling, unfinished walls and ceilings, painting, electrical, cupboards, collapsing patio, rotting molding shed, precarious falling down fence, mold in the walls, lack of insulation etc. It's all just too much.

But figuring out the whole process of moving and finding something smaller, more doable/low maintenance all on my own is also completely overwhelming. I've played with the idea of selling my house and taking that money and my small chunk of inheritance and having someone build a well-insulated small/tiny cabin on some land. But land near town isn't exactly cheap, it would have to have a well/water already. There are just a million details that would have to be figured out in order to sell one house and build another...all on my own, while ill. I'm having trouble coping with just the small tasks on my plate.

Additionally I think, what happens when I'm living out of town and sick? How do I get groceries on a bad day? How do I cope with the isolation, knowing I have no friends and/or family near by? My roommate isn't interested in moving with me if I move (I think she's ready to move on as well), and she's probably the only person I'd consider a close friend in the entire region.

I knew I'd feel a gap and loss and loneliness once my dad was gone when there was no-one left to care for. I had his company/friendship almost daily for over 4 years. While grieving this loss, Covid restrictions have now isolated me further from everyone but my roommate (who isn't here a whole lot).  It's brought to light my lack of social support/community. But where could I move that would be any better? No where. I can't think of anywhere.

While it's a dark thought, it would be a relief to have Covid (or something) take me. I really don't feel like I want to stick around anymore. I lived a decent life despite almost 20 years of chronic illness. I really don't want to face another 20 years sick, poor, and mostly isolated.