My housemates are away. In some ways it's wonderful. For one, the house is quiet. And secondly, the house is relatively clean with a very small effort on my part. On the other hand, on my good days I get a little lonely. On those days I miss my peeps. Like everything, there are both pros and cons to living alone.
Things sure have changed. When I lived alone, I got lonely sometimes - but usually it took days or weeks of not talking/seeing anyone. Now, I'm alone for a few days and I notice it.
That being said, for the most part I am savouring the solitude....it will be over too soon. I've especially been grateful on my crash days not to have to rally to visit or interact. When I feel that ill my mood just plummets and it's all I can do to deal with the sick, fluy body, let alone the social.
.....I feel like such a cantankerous person sometimes. My self-worth is tested already by feeling sick, unproductive, and useless - I find my moodiness around others makes me feel even worse about myself. I guess the solution would be to become a better, nicer person - gain some moral strength. I'm not holding my breath.
A few health related notes:
- The little bit better energy I've had for a couple weeks has coincided with me taking B 12 injections, so I'm hoping to convince my specialist to continue them when I see her tomorrow morning.
- I saw the endocrinologist about the thyroid cysts, it looks like they are nothing to worry about - we will ultrasound them in 9 mo and if they still haven't grown, let them be (they are very small and haven't grown in 5 years).
- My CT scan of my abdomen (with contrast) showed some haziness around my pancreas and some small lesions on my liver (these are fairly common and usually nothing to worry about). However, due to the haziness of my pancreas I'm going for an MRI to rule out "pancreatic cancer and lymphoma". Sounds scary, but I'm not too worried as my gut issues and pain are so much improved I'm almost back to my old diet.
Progress! Activity! Both sound great and for sure uplift the spirit! Glad you could swim in the lake some. I am enjoying being out more after last summer's view of life from my recliner and bed. Night and day difference and I am excited about that. Hope and pray your good days start adding up!
ReplyDeleteJust trying to get caught up after almost a month away...so thrilled to hear you have improved some!! Hurray! And even a swim in the lake - awesome. i find the crashes aren't quite so horrible to deal with when you know what caused them and at least had some fun.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't beat yourself up about being a "better" person. The bottom line is that it is REALLY hard to be sick all the time...no one can blame you for being in a bad mood!!
Hope this crash passes quickly and you are back to feeling better soon!
Sue
so glad to hear the improvement in this week! even though it was minor, but still better than nothing.
ReplyDeletedealing with solitude is very tough. i work as a private art teacher at home, so i have students come regularly. it helps tremendously (bad thing to dealing with "normal" people is that they frequently ask: why don't you go out have a vacation. and since i don't look sick, so, you know what's the next. :-)). but there are some understanding people there too. feel grateful for that. family and friends wise, i have literally nothing, because i could not social at all. so, basically i am still like living in solitude.
i hope you can be easy with "non-productive" part. i have learned through the year, the most productive thing is accepting my not being so productive. i found i became real "strong" after i completely embraced my weakness. it was a long journey though.
hope you get even better than "better".