The cold virus moved through quickly. I had two days of feeling really ill followed by a two day crash (from the cold?) where I was reminded that I hate the sick feeling of M.E. far worse than the sick feeling caused by a cold. However, both suck.I'm still crazy busy. In fact, last week I worked 22 hours total (more than half of that at home, but still!!!). I'm in shock that I'm managing, but I'm not complaining. In the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder if I'm going to cross a line and incur a relapse, but at the same time, I want to make the most of it for now, rather than be dictated by fear. I have about five more weeks to go at this pace.
I've been in a dark place psychologically, on days where I'm feeling especially sick lately. I'm not sure if it's because I have to push through despite feeling so ill. I've been thinking things like "I just can't take this constant sick anymore." or "I feel so alone." or "How can I manage another day in this body?". Partly it's knowing that no matter how sick I am, no one to date has really been able to help. And while I know I'm quite ill, I also realize I look healthy. If I share with someone how ill I feel, the fact that I look perfectly well makes my complaint seem dramatic....so mostly I just try to suffer in silence....this only adds to my feelings of isolation.
But I don't' know if I'd be happy if I wasn't doing anything. Ultimately, I really love the teaching. I love connecting with people and feeling like I have something to offer. And the editing work too, has been really rewarding. I've learnt so much. The way things have worked out I just have a little too much on my plate right now, but that's temporary. There are only four weeks of teaching left and the editing/writing work is almost over.
I've posted a couple photos from a few weeks ago. I was trying to capture my favourite season at a nearby park.
Next week I'll post a new "poll of the month" and provide an update on my neutropenia. I have an appointment with my NP to find out if it's improved at all.
You have such a good eye for an image! Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteIt really stinks knowing how well you would be doing without the CFS. And I can identify with the feeling over-dramatic with people. They do see more than you think though.
Chin up! Take it a day at a time and try to put some rests in! Hugs from over the sea . . .
Great thoughts, UpNorth, and beautiful pictures! Very happy for you that you can work a bit! May I inquire something? Is my blog appearing in your dashboard? I've been begging for attention lately... :-}
ReplyDeleteJudy
Thanks Jo, I miss doing art. I've just been too busy. And I agree about the rests....I'm trying to do a little more resting and remind myself its worth it to avoid relapse.
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