Crashing and the "Poop" event

Thankfully the Wed. crash was just an afternoon thing.

Friday (yesterday) I even made it through all four hours of class.
Now it's Sat. and I'm having another crash day, although it's worse than the Wed. one.

I spent the morning working on my research journal for the PhD course.
Then I thought I'd take the dogs to the dog park. I loaded them up.
We drove a couple blocks when I realized Merlin (my husky) needed to poop...so I pulled over into the parking lot of a pawn shop, but it was too late. She'd pooped in the car. So she jumped out of the car onto the sidewalk and I walked around the parking lot of the pawnshop and found a plastic bag to pick up the poop.

Which made me realize I was REALLY weak. A wave of illness crashed over me. Then to make matters worse, Merlin had a breathing attack right there on the side of the road (her larynx muscles collapsed). It lasted what seemed forever-although it was probably less than 2 min. I realized between Merlin and me, the dog park (as well as my other errands - returning a movie, getting gas) were out of the question so I came home to bed.

Poor Tegan (my one year old Golden Retriever) who has to live with us sickies. But I still think Tegan is pretty happy over all. I don't think she got ANY walks in her old home. And I'm home most of the time which she loves.

On self-pity

I really don't want to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes this is hard because I spend so much time alone and I usually feel sick. I have to endure the daily grind of being chronically ill. I've also had to give up so much of the life I loved.

At the same time, I do see that my life could be a lot worse. Many people who are sick are much more destitute than I am. I was VERY lucky to get on disability so that I don't have to live in absolute poverty.

And I've built a bit of a life despite the illness. I've found things I love. Like doing art, writing, blogging, spending time with my dogs, gardening and cooking - some of these things I would never have considered in my old busy go go life. Also I've built closer relationships with some family members and some friends. Plus, I've learned a lot about empathy. I have a lot more empathy for people who are vulnerable and suffering.

You know it's a pity that I couldn't have developed this empathy without going through some terrible things myself, but for me, that's what it took. It makes me hope that others in this world are of a little higher moral fibre than me. I hope I've learned to be less judgemental and critical when I'm faced with someone or something that I don't understand.

Anyways, my thoughts on self-pity are that for the most part, it's a waste of time.....and yet I sometimes get caught up in it and wish I wouldn't. I mean I think it's OK to say "Yes, this sucks...it sucks to be sick and it's sad what I've lost", but if I let myself dwell on that too much I'm not able to make the most of the life I DO have and CAN have.