"The day after"

I have M.E./CFS. In fact I just celebrated (or didn't celebrate) my seventh year of illness. It blows my mind to think I've been ill for seven years. There have been months where I've felt awful and sick every single moment of every day. But mostly this illness is about cycles - ups and downs, hope and crushed hope.....and ultimately, endurance.

So I have a new dog. My 14 year old husky Merlin, isn't doing too well. She has laryngeal paralysis which means her larynx is misshapen. On a bad day she has attacks where she struggles to breathe. I've had Merlin during this whole illness and she's been my best friend, biggest support, and a constant companion in my life. It will be so hard to lose her. So why did I get another dog? Honestly, I'm not exactly sure. But this one year old golden retriever came up (she needed a home) and I thought I'd go meet her. I brought her home on a trial and now she's been here two weeks. So I have a sick old dog and a young (very well behaved) one.

So on Sunday my friend Jan and I took Teagan and Merlin swimming in Lake Superior. I did a little swimming too - it was AWESOME. The water was so clean and cool. Teagan was hilarious swimming around, chasing sticks. I was probably out of the house at most - 3 hours.

So yesterday was my "crash". Sometimes I crash for days.....sometimes just a day. Yesterday I felt like the flu had hit - I woke up in the a.m. and my body hurt....achy. My throat hurt, the lymph nodes in my arms throbbed and when I breathed there was a deep-seated ache. Then there's the fatigue which is a ridiculous word for the experience of it....it's like calling a nuclear bomb a match. I mean normal people get tired and fatigued, but the fatigue with this illness is in a different category.

So I spent the day - well most of the day - in bed....resting.....feeling sick.....wishing I didn't have to live through this, but knowing in a day or perhaps a few days I'd be back to feeling just somewhat sick rather than "I'm dying" sick.

It's hard not to feel like "crash" days are a punishment for doing anything fun. But with this chronic illness almost nothing is without consequence - I weigh every decision and outing based on whether it's enough to cause a crash, and if so, is it a "crash-worthy" event? In this case it was - just so long as the crash doesn't extend beyond 3 days.