I find this time of year hard - I lost both my mom and my sister in December. I have two brothers with severe mental illnesses and the holidays often trigger relapses for them. Being far away from them makes it hard to be family support (especially when they won't answer the phone, receive mail etc.). I'm feeling a lot of guilt over being such a poor support. On the other hand, I'm at or over capacity trying to be a support for my dad while coping with my own poor health. It is just a struggle right now, I'm feeling inadequate.
I've been over-doing and pushing a lot lately and right now I'm not surprisingly reaping the consequences - I'm crashed. I have the leeway to take a break from work right now which is excellent. But mostly I'm just spending my time laying in bed or on the sofa a bit bored - but too sick and fluey and weak and awful to do very much. And then I watch TV and the Christmas shows and movies and even commercials all show happy families spending time together making me feel even more alone and inadequate. I realise struggling at Christmas is not exclusive to the chronically ill, but it certainly adds a whole other layer.
In a week it will be over and in a way that will be a relief. That's not to say I won't enjoy some moments with my dad or roommate. For one, there was a full moon last night on the solstice and despite feeling awful I convinced my roommate to take a short walk with me and Teags when she got home from work. It was cold and snowy but clear. The moon was huge and the snow sparkled like glitter. There were long moon shadows cast by trees and houses in the neighbourhood.
I also did a very very short walk with my dad at the harbour last weekend. The sun was beautiful off the harbour ice - I'm posting a photo of the dog so you can see.
If you celebrate Christmas or Boxing Day or New Years, Happy Holidays!!! I hope you find ways to enjoy the season. Be gentle and kind with yourself.
Sorry to hear you have been struggling this Christmas. I guess one of the blessing/curses for me of not really having any close family is that I am used to the loneliness. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have lost love ones during the holiday season. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I can definitely tell my own holidays was in chronically ill style. Santa brought me a few items to try to help with my symptoms in the new year. I got some blue light blocking sunglasses, a Wahoo Tickr so I can start trying to measure my heart rate variability and these strange glasses with mirrors in them that are supposed to allow you to read while you are lying down in a completely supine position. I do have to laugh that my Christmas list for Santa these last few years all seem to be wishing for 'medical-based' equipment.