Christmas Blues

Christmas is hard time for lots of people, myself included.

For me, it's a reminder how alone I am in the world.  I have very very few friends here partly due to my health and having to remain mostly homebound. I have my dad and love him, although most the time I feel like the love is a perpetual one way street.  It's a similar situation with two of my brothers who live across the province - I can love them, but due to their disabilities, they don't really seem to have the ability to 'love' anyone in return.  And as most of you know, I really haven't dated at all since becoming ill in my early 30s, so there is no partner in my life, and no children, and likely there never will be.

Also, in the last two years I lost my mom and my closest Aunt (in August). I realise it's completely selfish, but sometimes I feel like these two women were the only people left in the world who really loved me.  On the one hand, this makes me realise how lucky I was. On the other hand, sometimes since they died I feel adrift in the world, like without their maternal love I've lost my anchor - yes, even at my age.

Back to the holidays, given it's a time when people get together with friends and family, it makes me feel my lack thereof. While my father appreciates some celebrating I would have to make it all happen myself as he is unable (whether that's cooking, decorating, gifts, whatever). Then there's the fact I'm ill/weak/colossally fatigued not to mention there is no one here outside of my dad to celebrate with.  My roommate is not very keen on the festive aspects of holidays, works a lot this time of year, and I don't want to force my dad on her.

My energy is pretty low right now and the POTs is bad (I am having a really hard time tolerating standing) - I just don't have it in me to make much happen on my own. That said, I love some of these things, they are worth the crash - cooking, baking, decorating, lights, etc. but it feels pointless to do them when there's no one to do them for but me.

Can you tell I feel blue?  I was watching Simpson's the other night and they were making fun of people who read a certain series of popular children's books (which I do) and I think the line was "adults whose lives are lonely and pathetic". Sums me up to a T. Hopefully my black mood doesn't ruin the holidays for anyone around me (e.g. the dog) - I guess that's one good thing about being alone a lot.